reflection of the past..

'Every decision you make - every decision - is not a decision about what to do. It's a decision about Who You Are. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do' - Neale Donald Walsch

was dead bored last night so i decided to browse through all my pictures in my photo albums. started with the baby albums and moved up to the current ones and i was hit with the realization...something had gone wrong somewhere along the line of growing up.

i was a picture of a happy child, nearly all of my baby photos shows a boy with a glowing smile. but i couldnt remember any of those events now, everything seems a blur. if i were to recall my younger years now, i can only come up with from 10-15years ago..before that, i can say i've forgotten.

the smiles continued in all my pictures, throughout my adolescent years..until now. but none of those pictures reflect what i really felt then. i smiled and laughed just for the sake of it, but come to think of it..i dont really understand the reasons why. the pictures i had clearly shows i had quite a number of friends and acquaintances, we seem happy..i seem happy, but was i? i dont quite remember..

when i came to the pictures of my exes and see how comfortable we were, i asked myself..we were happy, but was there any love involved or affections? none of the above, well..the feeling was mutual anyway. the relationships were based on the need to be with someone, the physical proximity and we understood that. when we parted, none of us got hurt.

honestly, i still couldnt grasp the meaning of friendship. forming the bond is easy, but maintaining it seems to be the hard part. i keep asking myself, who am i to them? would it make any difference if i wasnt around? so i came to my own conclusion, friends are nothing more than a pebble you pick up on the streets. we collect them during the course of our journey, and when we do get tired of it or have reached our destination, the pebbles will be thrown away because they have cease to serve their purpose. guess what, we're the pebbles. sad isnt it...

i still couldnt figure out what went wrong. back when i was a kid, i imagined myself doing great things when i grow up. i imagined myself being a happy succesful bugger living all alone with a cat and a dog (note that i didnt consider anyone to be in my pathetic life :)), but everything's a total opposite now (but i do have a dog though :)).

you know what, maybe i should stop living in my own world and be out there mingling with other people. it's high time i get to know the people around me for who they really are. yeah, maybe...

ps: i know i look fat, this was taken a few months back! hehe

ciao :)~

Emotional test..

my daily morning routine in the office is to check my email messages, no..not the corporate email but my own personal ones hehe. i would spend at least an hour pretending to be busy all the while surfing the net looking for information or just..you know, surfing hehe.

at times, i would only be doing my works say after lunch (lunchtime is at 11am and i normally take it on time and finish it in 15 mins, a quick lunch hehe). anyway, got this in my email and i thought it would be nice to share this for a glimpse into my pathetic life. and just so you know, i didnt peep at the answers when doing this :)..enjoy..

Copy, Paste, Don’t look at the bottom before you do the thing or it won’t
work! This is scary but pretty accurate.

1. Which color is better? Red, black,
green, blue or yellow?
- blue

2. What’s your middle initial?
- K

3. What month is your birthday?
- july

4. Which color do you like more, black
or white?
- nothing in particular, but i'd say black

5. Name one of your friends.
- jonathan

6. Your favorite number?
- 7

7. Do you like flying or driving more?
- flying as in levitate? i would choose flying if i knew how to, so might as well settle with driving

8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
- damn it, neither..but if i had to choose i would say..the lake? (geez, just thinking about the colored waters gives me the creeps...)

9. Think of a wish, but don’t write it.


–Answers–

1. If you chose:
Red: You are alert and your life is
full of love.

Black: You are conservative and
aggressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are
laid back.

Blue: You are spontaneous and love
kisses and affection from the ones you
love and give good advice to those who
are down.

Yellow - you are a very happy person..

2. If you’re initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and
friendships in your life.

L-R: You try to enjoy your life to the
maximum & your love life is soon to
blossom.

S-Z: You like to help others and your
future love life looks very good.

3. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for
you and you will discover that you fall
in love with someone totally

April-June: You will have a strong love
relationship that will last forever.

July-Sept: You will have a great year
and will experience a major life-
changing experience for the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will be great,
and eventually you will find your soul
mate.

4. If you chose:

Black: Your life will take you on a
different direction, it will seem hard
at times but will be the best thing for
you, and you will be glad for the
change.

White: You will have a friend who
completely confides in you and would do
anything for you, but you may not
realize it.

5. This person is your best friend:

6. If it is:

1-50 you are a very lovable person and
you have a great life.

more than 50 is nothing

7. If you chose:

Flying - You like adventure.

Driving - You are a laid back person.

8. If you chose:

Lake - You are loyal to your friends,
your lover, and yourself. You are very
reserved and not emotional.

Ocean - You are spontaneous and like to
please people sometimes.

9. This wish will come true only if you
repost this with the title:

Emotional Test. Dont Cheat!

hmmm, accuray percentage??....only 50% haha

smile..

a smile is a facade to hide what you really feel inside,
a mask which cloaks the darkness in your soul,
or the intricacies of life's complicated course..

a smile is nothing more than a confusing curve,
throwing off mixed emotions of everything confound,

what is it with smiles which makes people happy,
what is with smiles which makes people melt,
and what is it with smiles that stimulates loath and anger?

remember this,
no matter how tough life may be to us,
the only thing we can afford to make things better is by smiling,
so smile when you're sad,
smile when you're happy,
smile when you're angry and
smile when things doesn't turn out the way you want it to be,
just smile, and let everyone wonder why..for eternity..

geez...

friends and acquaintace...

i've mentioned before that i'm a loner, always have been and would probably always be. i think 1 contributing factor to this is that, i dont trust people that easily. but dont get me wrong, having a trust issue doesnt affect my social capability, i think i can get along well with people (most of the time). in other words, i am superficially friendly hahaha.

i'm not on a quest to gather new friends or acquaintances, i'm fine with how i am right now. besides, i couldn't even tend to the ones i know now, probably my selfishness exceeds the need for human relations hahaha.

well, i've learned the art of self entertainment from an early age..and thanks to that, i dont need anyone to cheer me up when i'm down or be there for me for anything else. i am well equipped for fun...with or without anyone hehe. strange eh...thats me :).

i did a test once to find out how long would a so called friend look me up after ignoring every invitations for a night out or for a gathering. apparently, people would start ignoring after the first month..which is good, at least i've eliminated whom to hang out with. but for those who stayed on, keeping up with the invitations even after knowing what my answer would be..those are the people worth hanging out with (not that i have the time to be hanging out hehe).

sometimes, having to know a lot of people feels like a hindrance. i dunno why, but thats just how i feel. i just dont trust them enough to be closer, to be part of their group. i've seen enough lies and pretense in people to know that they're not to be trusted (that includes me...hey, it takes one to know one right :)).

i never blamed anyone for my lack of friends, if any, i'm the one to be blamed for pushing away any potential good friends. i have long known of my shortcomings, my weaknesses..of how much different i am than anyone else. my perspectives of the things around me differ to those of my peers and it used to be a trouble blending in. but i've learned to ignore them and do my own thing..and has been doing it ever since :). so in a way, no one really knows the real me, just as well cos i dont think anyone can handle the real McCoy (my short term relationships can vouch for that hahaha).

some of the things that you would never see me do:

1. Be flattered (i dont believe in flattery cos i dont flatter other people unless i really mean it)
2. Cry (It took me at least a decade to shed my tears, and i think its gonna take another decade or more to do it again)
3. Be in a fight (i've learned to fight my own battles in reality and metaphorically, so i expect everyone else to be able to as well. would only be in a fight if it involves moi hehe. come to think of it, exchanging blows seems to excite me..the pain itself is a God given stimulant :))

so, my verdict for a potentially good friend who updates you of the happening stuff around(based on my previous blog)is: http://josiekupi.blogspot.com hahaha.

hmmm...i think thats all to it :)

ciao peeps..

dream blab 1

had another weird dream again last night, well...it's more like 3 for the price of 1. i had 3 different dreams continuously in a night.

couldnt exactly remember what the other 2 was about, but i know it's a spooky dream. what i can remember is the 3rd dream which came before and after the other two. confusing isnt it? :)

well, it actually went like this...right before dozing off, i remember hearing the sounds of traditional gongs being played from a distance, the sounds of what you may hear at a traditional wedding. i knew i was entering dreamland cos right before getting to bed i looked at my watch, it was 12.30am and i know there weren't any weddings going on. i ignored what i heard, and as i dozed of, the music became louder until it sounded like i was at the reception itself. since everything was beginning to sound real, i decided to wake up. and i did, only to find myself waking up in a dream..cool eh, a dream within a dream hehe.

i woke up in my own room and on my bed, there were lights and music outside my window and i can see a wedding reception going on. i couldnt remember the rest of the details (i should've typed this out in the morning when it was more clearer), but i do remember a girl in her white wedding gown dancing alone on our yard, she danced and danced until she was actually hovering above ground up reaching up to my window level with only few feet apart. she was beckoning for me to follow her but i refused. all this while i was at my window just looking at what she was doing until the beckoning, i knew this was a dream so i decided to ignore her and started walking to my bed.

just as i was about to reach my bed, she reappeared outside my other window which is close to where i placed my bed. she was with another guy in his wedding tux, well..i remember the guy looking tired as if drained and she looked pretty furious. her eyes were popping out and she had her teeth clenched, i was surprised and that surprise took me to another dream.

now picture how this transition of dreams happen, it feels a lot like being yanked from one place and transported to another. this time i was transported to a house, apparently my family had just bought the house. the moment i stepped into the house, it sent chills to my spine but i didnt care cos the place looked nice..a bit dark but nice. i couldn't really remember much what happened after that, but i do remember someone dying and dissapearing and i do remember our caretaker resembling the woman in her wedding gown i talked about earlier.

i think the next dream i had was having wings and flying around looking for something before coming back to where i was before the transport. this time the woman in the wedding gown was drifting further and further away from my window crying, arms outstretched as if begging for help. she did cry out something before dissappearing but all i can recall upon waking up is the word 'Dangai' or 'Danggai'...

strange isnt it :). anyway, i seem to be dreaming alot nowadays..and most of these dreams involve flying. and guess what, i think i'm getting better at it..i mean the flying hehehe.

ciao peeps...

Amazing HUg!

When it comes to animals, my preference has always been cats (not that i have any problems bonding with other animals hehe) and one of my biggest dream is to be hugged by a lion and other large felines (not to the extent of being eaten by them hehe. would be happy enough if i get to at least touch them :P).

Cats are quite unique, they're practically intelligent solitary animals with an EQ (EQ is equivalent to a human's IQ measurement) higher than a dog's. but strangely enough, every cats that i ever had seem to be very arrogant and not at all affectionate. but there's one cat in particular which i think understands me more than the rest.

I had a cat once by the name Gandas, a spayed stray which wandered over to my place not to look for food but just stay there. there's something in his eyes which doesnt call out for attention, sympathy or TLC and i was somewhat attracted by it. Day by day he would come over and at times go through the food left on the table and mom would be screaming her lungs out haha. in time, i was able to get close to him and finally hold him.

being a teenager, i didnt have much of a life..spent most of my time at home cos i wasnt much of an outgoing person and whenever i do get bored, i would take a long walk alone in the middle of the night (that was before i owned a car) or just sit behind my house and stare into the darkness. but i was never really alone during these solitary moments, Gandas would always find my location and sit right beside me staring straight ahead into the darkness as if imitating what i was doing. and the strange thing is that, he wouldnt budge unless i make a move from that place.

he stayed with us for nearly 3 years, nothing special happened except for the reduction of rodent infestation in the house. unfortunately, he passed away when i was in Sandakan during my practical training...

well anyway, enjoy this clip :)..



ciao :p..

sarcasm to lift up the monday blues :)..

For those who are in the service industry, i bet these would make up your day hehe. enjoy :D.

Happy working peeps...may your Monday suck big time! hehe

ciao :)..