the lost boy...

i feel at loss, not really sure of what. all i can think of is just to crawl into a dark corner and hibernate until it's time for me reappear.

what brought on this nonsense? i have no idea...probably it has something to do with being surrounded by people a lot. this may sound strange coming from someone who is in the public relations field, which suggests strongly that i may be in the wrong profession.

then again, i was never much of a social person. my idea of socializing is being around a small group of 3-5 people. despite being such an anti-social, i have no problem with mingling or interacting with other fellow homo-sapiens but that's only because i have to and not because i want to.

maybe i can crawl into that dark corner and come out only for people i'm comfortable with, and for starters...i'll be catching a movie this Friday with a good pal of mine.

until i'm ready, i'll refrain from logging into my facebook, twitter and group whatsapp. unless it's urgent, i'll refrain from making or replying calls and smses.

describing what exactly i'm feeling right now, it's like there's something missing. just imagine a completed jigsaw puzzle and one piece keeps falling off, overtime you get tired of putting it up every single time and in the end you figured the piece would be much better off left unattended.

or imagine the light and the dark (yeah it's cliche, i know haha). the infighting of trying to reign dominion over an element has gotten to the point where neither elements matter and hazy grey is as good as either one.

ps: before anyone jumps to conclusion, it has nothing to do with relationship issues haha

one obvious sign that shows how lost i am is...i keep asking myself 'who am i' and 'what am i supposed to do'...

losing sight of myself and just need sometime alone...cheers :D

groggy in control hahaha

sometimes i think i am a walking contradiction of myself. i say things that i am not only to prove myself stupid that i am haha...but when i say sometimes, it only means it doesn't happen quite as often i thought :P..

for example, i've always believed (or probably convinced myself) that i am a loner, a guy who prefers his solitude more than anything else, an independent guy who doesn't rely much on anyone to live life. well, most of it are true..and the rest are just my confused psyche interpreting the things i couldn't understand :).

okie i've said in my previous entry that i am a loner by choice and an observer of everyone and everything around me. sometimes it's sad to know that my preference irks some people into baseless assumptions haha. once again, i dont really mind..because when i do make friends, i try to project who i really am so the next time if things doesn't work out, i can always tell myself that 'ive' given them hints on what type of person i am' (most of the time that is hehe) and some do understand it, while others are..simply put..plain sensitive hehehe.

i've been analyzing myself lately and realized that, as much as i appreciate my privacy or reclusiveness, there are moments that i do need someone around to pull me back to reality (a reality which i'd much rather not be apart of haha) because the world i envisioned, or practically saying 'my world', is much more tolerable. hey, i'm not saying that my life in real time sucks (hmm, not entirely though hehe), but it's whole lot better because in my world..i am invincible and void of any vulnerabilities (yeah, a Superman except there aren't any kryptonites that can weaken me haha).

as i was saying, there are moments when i do need people around me..but if i was given any choice, i dont think i could ever be lonely even if i wanted to simply because i live in an overpopulated world of humans and as long as there are humans around i could never be alone :).

the same concept applies to the people whom i'd like to avoid from seeing or meeting. it's like, it doesn't matter how hard you've tried to avoid them, but there will come a time (eventually) when we would have to face them whether we like it or not and all the efforts of trying to stay away from are simply washed down the drain.

now the question here is, after indulging yourself with something you really like doing, something which might guarantee from stumbling on the person/s suddenly took a turn when the person/s are suddenly indulging themselves in the same thing? would you run away and move on to another thing or stick to it because you really like doing what you're doing now? well, the solution is especially hard to get when the person/s, knows full well that you're part of the thing but still decides to join in...

probably selfish and ego plays a part, or probably some dark ulterior motives are at work here haha. then again, that's something about humans aka people. they tend to be pretentious in geting what they want. it's quite difficult to fathom another person's mind because they may act and say one thing but the fact is, there's something they're after. heck, then again..what the hell do i care...if this happens to me, i would just opt to ignore or just move somewhere else.

haha, i bet most of you must be wondering where do i get all the pessimism from. hmm, how do i put this...well, i am human after all, and with that comes years of social experience hehe. but mind you, i am much of a pessimist as i am an optimist :).

ps: selfishness and ulterior motives sucks hehe. some people just doesn't know what it takes to make friends..hehe. man...midnight rambling on a Tuesday? yeah, that's what happens when you let the creativity flow and grogginess take control hahahaha.

goodnite peeps, and have a good dream...