getting over a loss...

As mentioned in my previous post, i 'ignorantly' ran over a kitten. it has been a couple of days now and i am still haunted by my action.

i can't stop thinking of how frightened the kitty looked when it ran under my car and the bump when i ran over it. i can't shake off my mind that the only reason it stopped running was because it expected me to alight from my car, pick it up and provide it the security it needed but instead was run over by my ignorance.

the worse part is, i started doubting if i left the kitty at the grove possibly alive. pretty sure it was dead though, the eyes were bulging and i couldn't sense any movement at all...but what if i was wrong? what if the kitten was only unconscious? what if....

yeah..the thought keeps playing in my head like a broken record, and it's all too clear when my hands are on the steering wheel. obviously the guilt hasn't left me, furthermore, it felt like there was something missing...

it was mentioned that the kitty was laid to rest in a grove, but that's just one part of the truth. what i didn't mention was, i left it in the open under a tree. i know it wasn't right, but there wasn't any tools around to dig a grave.

after work today, i was compelled to return to its resting place half hoping that a miracle occurred and find the kitten alive...injured but alive.

reality sucked, all i found was its remains all bloated up but without any foul stench. i stayed there for a few minutes and stared at it while trying to figure out what exactly was missing..nothing, not even a single thought came into mind.

i returned to my car, lit up a ciggy and just stared blankly into space...and it hit me, i knew the reason why i felt something was missing and it was a name! to some, this may sound silly..even dumb.

all living beings are born with a name and names are born with or given to. without a name, anything would remain insubstantial.

you may argue that a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. without a name the rose would only be known as a flower but given a name, the flower now has a specific form that we can associate with. in other words, we remember the flower because it is called the rose.

that's what i did...i gave the kitten a name and called it 'Manangkus' which means 'running' in our Kadazan-Dusun language for the obvious reason. right then, i felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulder. call it strange, weird or whatever you want, i just don't care.

so, RIP Manangkus. the next time if i (ever) adopt another stray that looks somewhat like you, i'll honor it with your name.

what's in the name?

people, especially the Chinese have high regards for a good given name. in some cultures, it is believed that the name would shape a person (yeah, i pity those who were born into these shallow minded cultures haha). while others, although the name doesn't make a person, believes that a good name is able to bring recognition and fame..be it good or bad haha.

anyway, much to everyone's experience, we go along our life with other names aside from the one given by our parents or whatever was written on our birth certificate. these secondary names exists as a nick name or due to special features or characteristics or sometimes just for the sake of it.

take me for example, my given name is Jeremy. but over the years i've accumulated enough secondary names that i think i could name my sons with it hahahaha.

Names that i answer to can be categorised into family, friends, colleagues and others;

Family:

a) Jerry

b) Lo

c) Lops
d) Lopak (only in Kitobu :D)
e) Giruk (only in Ranau :D)

* for b-d, only extremely close family members are allowed to call me by those names. so if you're not family and have a death wish, try calling me that. well okay, i won't slit your throat open or cut out your tongue, but you'll be totally ignored :D

Friends:

a) Jerry

b) Jer

c) Jere

d) Jeer

Colleagues:

a) Jem

b) Jere

c) Jeer

d) Jay

e) JK

f) KC

g) JC

h) Kabin

My Ex-Boss (and i take the nicks as terms of endearment haha):

a) Koguts

b) Gringo

Others:

a) Justin

b) Gary

c) John

d) Pok (only from a handful of my Sarawakian friends)

e) Steve

(don't ask me why how'd this happened. they just said i looked like anyone one of the names hahaha)

if i had only finished my sunday school's confirmation class, i would've chosen Jethro as my second name. in all the biblical names, his was the coolest although one of the most insignificant characters hahaha.