getting over a loss...

As mentioned in my previous post, i 'ignorantly' ran over a kitten. it has been a couple of days now and i am still haunted by my action.

i can't stop thinking of how frightened the kitty looked when it ran under my car and the bump when i ran over it. i can't shake off my mind that the only reason it stopped running was because it expected me to alight from my car, pick it up and provide it the security it needed but instead was run over by my ignorance.

the worse part is, i started doubting if i left the kitty at the grove possibly alive. pretty sure it was dead though, the eyes were bulging and i couldn't sense any movement at all...but what if i was wrong? what if the kitten was only unconscious? what if....

yeah..the thought keeps playing in my head like a broken record, and it's all too clear when my hands are on the steering wheel. obviously the guilt hasn't left me, furthermore, it felt like there was something missing...

it was mentioned that the kitty was laid to rest in a grove, but that's just one part of the truth. what i didn't mention was, i left it in the open under a tree. i know it wasn't right, but there wasn't any tools around to dig a grave.

after work today, i was compelled to return to its resting place half hoping that a miracle occurred and find the kitten alive...injured but alive.

reality sucked, all i found was its remains all bloated up but without any foul stench. i stayed there for a few minutes and stared at it while trying to figure out what exactly was missing..nothing, not even a single thought came into mind.

i returned to my car, lit up a ciggy and just stared blankly into space...and it hit me, i knew the reason why i felt something was missing and it was a name! to some, this may sound silly..even dumb.

all living beings are born with a name and names are born with or given to. without a name, anything would remain insubstantial.

you may argue that a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. without a name the rose would only be known as a flower but given a name, the flower now has a specific form that we can associate with. in other words, we remember the flower because it is called the rose.

that's what i did...i gave the kitten a name and called it 'Manangkus' which means 'running' in our Kadazan-Dusun language for the obvious reason. right then, i felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulder. call it strange, weird or whatever you want, i just don't care.

so, RIP Manangkus. the next time if i (ever) adopt another stray that looks somewhat like you, i'll honor it with your name.

grieving for a loss...

today, i ran over a kitten. the sound of its final yelp when my tyre crushed its skull and its spastic movements leading to its death is going to haunt me for a very long time.

i'd like to say it was an accident and i shouldn't feel too bad about it...but the thing is, it was my ignorance that led to the accident. maybe i wouldn't feel as bad if it happened on a busy highway, unfortunately it happened at a red light.

the kitten went under my car and i should've checked before driving off when the light turned green. i shouldn't have cared about what the drivers behind would think or do if i had just taken a moment to stop and look...in other words, i am to be blamed for what had happened.

i looked into the rear view mirror and there it was the kitten writhing in pain on the road. i immediately stopped my car, something i should've done earlier, got out and ran about 10 meters to where the kitten was. there were no second thoughts, i picked up the kitten disregarding its bowel excrement, ran back to the car and sped off thinking i might be able to reach the vet which was 20km away all the while hoping that its injury wasn't fatal...but deep down i knew it wasn't going to make it or rather, i wasn't going to reach the clinic in time. bragged as Malaysia's administration center with all the hype of being a peaceful, harmonious and green city, it's sad that Putrajaya lacks any veterinary services.

5 minutes later, the kitten stopped moving and it felt like my world came crashing down.

i'm not much of a crier but my tears swelled up in my eyes and dried up before they had a chance to fall. after 15minutes of driving aimlessly, i found a grove and laid its tiny feline body to rest.

i wish i could turn back time and do the right thing.

a lesson learned, at a cost of a life....

a pre-dawn mother's day accident....

it's 4am and the night is blessed with such serenity that staying home on a saturday night instead of out clubbing like any other peers my age would be doing at this this hour feels more gratifying to my existence compared to being intoxicated for a temporary high. having the time to myself allowed me to catch-up on my blog hopping, something which i haven't been doing for quite awhile now.

as i sat in front of my laptop, being fully immersed with my reading, the howling of an unknown hound broke the concentration and i was suddenly pulled back to reality surrounded by the four walls within the confine and comfort of my small room.

for some unexplained reason, the howl sounded different from what i'm used to hearing, instead of the howl of a lonely dog, it sounded as if an impending danger is about to happen and my mind wandered to where i assumed the dog was...which is at the small roundabout few metres from my house.

normally, the howlling of a dog will be accompanied by a series of howlings from other nearby dogs as if signaling to one another that they are not alone. but to some of us, if not most, grew up believing that the howlings are due to the presence of the spirits of the deceased walking in our realm. after approximately two minutes, the howling remained from a dog and as i intently listened to it, my mind pictured an accident at the roundabout. ignoring my overactive imagination, i continued my reading when suddenly the sound of screeching tyres broke the tranquility, followed by a loud bang.

"owh shit, an accident...", i said to myself, but surprisingly the urgency to be a witness to the incident was absent, and even contemplated whether i should give in to my curiosity by being there. five minutes later, i gave in, got dressed and went to the crash site with my mom...curiosity runs in the family i guess.

when we reached the place, the car was standing at 70 degrees by its front bumper supported by the gate it crashed onto and bits and pieces of the unfortunate car was strewn everywhere. from what i was told by the witnesses, the bystanders extracted the victim from the wreckage and had him seated at the side walk pavement, it didn't take me long to notice the blood streaming down his face, presumably from the injury on his head as there weren't any visible cuts on the face or anywhere on his exposed body.

i continued to observe his condition. aside from the blood, his hand and feet seemed to be fine as he was still able to move them with ease, which means the possibility of broken bones may be questioned. one thing i'm sure of is, he has been drinking as my nostrils caught a whiff of alcohol emanating from him.

the first thing i did after the brief assessment was to give the police a call, and it was my first time having done it. apparently they have been informed, but whoever made that call probably forgot to mention that a man was profusely bleeding from his head and in need of medical attention because after mentioning it to the attending policewoman, my line was directed to the general hospital of which i gave the attending hospital person on duty the information based on what have been observed.

Ten minutes later, the hospital called again probably for a follow up. but instead of asking me a different set of questions, i had to repeat myself again... yeah, great service peeps , and at the same time, two policemen arrived in a patrol car.

below is an approximate chronology of the accident from my side:

3.08am - screeching tyres followed by a loud bang.
3.15am - arrived at the scene
3.20am - made emergency call (assuming i was the second caller)
3.30am - a call back from the hospital and arrival of policemen
4.00am - left the crime scene (ambulance hasn't arrived yet)

there were several areas which irked me about this accident:
1. it took the police approximately 15-20mins to arrive at scene when (if i'm not mistaken) there were several policemen stationed at another area less than five minutes from the site.
2. they were a bit inconsiderate by asking the victim questions despite his condition.
3. the arrival of the requested medical attention took more than 30minutes to arrive at the scene.

i thought of taking few pictures and probably submit the story to the press at where i'm working at, but i figured they have their own leads within the force and besides, i don't have the authority to question either the victim or policemen hahaa. which also means that, my entry this time will have you exercise your power of imagination...again haha. ciao and HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS! :)