grieving for a loss...

today, i ran over a kitten. the sound of its final yelp when my tyre crushed its skull and its spastic movements leading to its death is going to haunt me for a very long time.

i'd like to say it was an accident and i shouldn't feel too bad about it...but the thing is, it was my ignorance that led to the accident. maybe i wouldn't feel as bad if it happened on a busy highway, unfortunately it happened at a red light.

the kitten went under my car and i should've checked before driving off when the light turned green. i shouldn't have cared about what the drivers behind would think or do if i had just taken a moment to stop and look...in other words, i am to be blamed for what had happened.

i looked into the rear view mirror and there it was the kitten writhing in pain on the road. i immediately stopped my car, something i should've done earlier, got out and ran about 10 meters to where the kitten was. there were no second thoughts, i picked up the kitten disregarding its bowel excrement, ran back to the car and sped off thinking i might be able to reach the vet which was 20km away all the while hoping that its injury wasn't fatal...but deep down i knew it wasn't going to make it or rather, i wasn't going to reach the clinic in time. bragged as Malaysia's administration center with all the hype of being a peaceful, harmonious and green city, it's sad that Putrajaya lacks any veterinary services.

5 minutes later, the kitten stopped moving and it felt like my world came crashing down.

i'm not much of a crier but my tears swelled up in my eyes and dried up before they had a chance to fall. after 15minutes of driving aimlessly, i found a grove and laid its tiny feline body to rest.

i wish i could turn back time and do the right thing.

a lesson learned, at a cost of a life....

in memory of: steve jobs

i wanted to write about psychopathy and sociopathy from my own perspective, but that would have to wait since today is a sad day for most people (techies especially). Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple, an entrepreneur and inventor passed away at the age of 56.

normally, the deaths of prominent people don't affect me much or at all regardless of whether they are religious figures, celebrities or politicians simply because (in my opinion) they have reached a point where they can't do anything much aside from what they've already done (yeah shallow, i know...) so losing them isn't exactly a loss. in other words, they've accomplished their task.

when i read the news on steve job's demise, a feeling of loss crept in and the weird part is that i'm not even a fan of him or do i follow up on his activities...i don't even own any iphones, ipads, ipods or other apple products! what i felt in that instant was, a loss of a great man with a great mind who (if he was alive and well) could bring in new inventions and innovations to a higher level!

but then again, he has done a lot during his lifetime and (probably) left the world without regret. He was also (probably) loved and respected by many.

so ask the question. who are we and what can we do to change the world?


RIP Steve Jobs. you will be missed.

a dose of reality...

life has both it's ups and downs. when there's a good thing, there's definitely a bad thing waiting to happen. but that's just one of the basic universal laws, something like light and dark; yin and yang; positive and negative; and so on...

but speaking about life, we tend to forget what life is about, or more accurately what living is about. despite how happy we may be, we get lost in the mazes of life's ever changing journey. but one fail safe and fool proof aspect is certain to bring us back to our senses...which i will touch on later in this entry. but first, let's just begin with the happy stuff which makes most of us feel alive.

in the next few weeks, a line up of wedding invitations will be in order. some i might be able to attend, few i will definitely attend regardless of anything and most i won't be attending at all due to my earlier commitments. and weddings such as these would sometimes put me in a confusing situation where i try to assimilate my own happiness with theirs but no matter how i try, my envy to their own happiness overwhelms the fact that i might be in their position sometime in the future :p. heck, 10 years ago i wouldn't give a damn about stuff such as this. but life sometimes plays a funny a game on us. as we grow older, our wants or needs become limited and we start to think about what's going to happen in the next few years, choices seem to become a commodity and uncertainty becomes a lot clearer. but hey, these are just some of the ingredients which makes us wiser to say the least.

the more we are engrossed of what life has to offer, or what needs to be attained from it, we forget that life is about making every second we breath meaningful. we don't need wealth to experience life to the fullest, we just need to understand that even the little things are sources which can bring the most depressed man to become the happiest man on earth.

as i was saying earlier, the one fail safe and fool proof aspect to making us realize this is none other than...death. ironic isn't it, to understand what life is, we need to empathise what death entails. then again, life and death is a never ending cycle which interconnects with each other.

a couple of days ago, a friend and ex-colleague of mine was admitted to the hospital for cancer. i'm not really sure at what stage is he in, but from what i've been told, it's not good. i've been meaning to visit him, but, unlike what my other ex-colleague told me 'ko pi jumpa lah bapa, dia selalu suka tu crita sma ko' (go and visit 'bapa', he had always liked chatting with you), i can't ....... yeah, 'bapa' which means father as he is called in the office, a soft spoken middle aged man of around 40+ of age with three children and a loving wife, he was my colleague in the same department and we would chat while doing our work to keep the stress at a safe distance and sometimes, we would just sit quietly the whole day focusing on the task at hand. even after i left, he would sometimes ask me of my situation at my new work place whenever i call up and he would start complaining in his own gentle way as if saying it would be different if i hadn't left.

but this time around, i wouldn't know what to say if i do drop by and visit. i mean, it's easy to be sarcastic and sanguine on normal days, but, knowing what his condition is like...being the person i am might not be such a good idea. or maybe, i should ignore the fact that he's sick and continue doing what i've been doing all these while so maybe, he could get a dose of my twisted world for a temporary respite from reality..nah, how could i even joke about this.

anyway, i am confused...well, was confused to be exact. as i'm writing this down, i've finally found the answer and the approach am gonna take. if laughter is the best medicine, then i'll inject a large dose of insanity into this head. fingers crossed hahaha.

Death in 2009....

Dealing with death at a start of a new year is never a good thing, with all the hyped up cheer of starting a new slate, things could take a 180˚ twist to being sombre with just few simple words of 'i'm sorry...'..

we could condemn death for having the worst time management ever, but that would be just plain stupid wouldn't it? i mean, how can we blame anything which has always been unpredictable from the start of time?

i've said this many times before in this blog and in my other blogs, death is nothing to feared. Despite it's nature to come uninvited, truth to be told, we have been unconciously expecting it whether we like it or not. None of us are able to say 'i don't wanna die yet' and goes on living forever until they're ready to give up on life. No, death itself is a master to everyone's fate.

A lot of us out there still gets frightened just by thinking about our own demise...why? mainly because we haven't achieved half of what we want to do with our life, we haven't seen enough of the world and there are still things that needs fighting for. But even with this in mind, even when we have accomplished what we have intended to do, no one is fully ready to embrace death in all its glory. that's because...we are only humans, the envy of all the fallen angels, the offspring of those banished from Eden, and the victims of greed. yeah, greed...that's all what it comes down to.

humans just can't be satisfied...the need to want more never ceases to stop, instead, we tend to 'want' something as each day passess and as it accumulates, we too are eventually burdened with the unnecessary baggage which in the end, results in the difficulty of letting go of this materialistic world....

geez...i shouldn't be rambling on this topic at all, but it's just hard to ignore it when it happens...

ciao peeps....

Remember

Death, a word and an event which either strikes fear in our hearts of not knowing what it really means or tranquility of anticipating the afterlife with open arms. Should death be feared? should death be condemn for the lost of loved ones?...

it's a cycle of life, a karmic retribution. when one person dies, another is born and death is certainly inevitable. it is neither black, white nor grey..it is neither good or evil yet to some, it strikes fear and hatred instead of looking at it as an end to all the pain and suffering,

hate them not, for they are here to ease the transition to the chosen planes...be happy to know that death is with them throughout their ethereal journey..


Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:Only remember me; you understandIt will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

by Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)

may His Soul Rest in Peace...

midnight rambling...

i was quite sure to be able to fall asleep early tonight, and after bidding my goodnight wish, i lay in bed, closed my eyes and hope the sandman would bring me good dreams to dream about. 5 minutes passed, then 10, then 30 minutes but i still cant seem to doze off. my mind was running wildly with thoughts of irrelevant stuff, must be because i slept 13 hours straight the day before hehehe. but i am damn sleepy, i just cant sleep! even with my eyes closed, i can see vague shapes and figures moving around like what you would see inside a lava lamp.

and then the thought of death appeared in mind, well..it wasnt exactly sudden, been thinking about it for the past whole week for no apparent reason. it wasn't exactly an obsessed thought, but more like the 'what if?' kinda thoughts :). hmmm...i must've telepathically linked my brain waves to someone who has been thinking about this for quite sometime, now i just need to figure out who hehehe, just kidding :).

yeah, i thought of 'what if i died all of a sudden tonight, or what if i had a fatal accident anytime soon? would it affect anyone? would it make any difference if i was suddenly out of the picture? would anyone cry?

i retrospected my own past, and from what i can see and conclude is that...my existence doesn't really matter. i've been too self absorbed all these while that i've ignored everyone else thinking i can survive without anyone's assistance..which in a way i have. even with my selfish disposition, i still have my good sides though..such as, i dont judge people, i take pleasure in observing what other people are doing, i try to help out any friend in need whenever i can (or want to hehehe)....hmm, you know what..apparently i dont have that much of a good side as i thought i would, damn it hahaha.

anyway, that doesn't really matter :), what i wanted to say was, i envisioned my own death. i envisioned that only few people would come to my funeral, not because i have made a difference in their lives but just out of respect for my family. no one would exactly shed a tear cos i havent exactly been a good friend or companion, not to mention a good son and brother hahaha. and then i thought to myself...why do i need to care about all these when i'm already dead?! hahaha.

if i were to die today or anytime soon, i dont think i have much to regret. i've seen and experienced what life has to offer, although there would be a lot of stuff i'll be missing out but it doesnt really matter cos i've seen what i would be missing in the eyes of friends and strangers.

come to think of it, i've never been afraid of dying. i grew up thinking that i would be better off dead than alive hahaha. but if someone did ask me if i was ready to die a couple of months ago, i would definitely say 'no' cos back then, i had a reason to look forward to everyday. but nowadays, life is gradually returning to how it was before and i am gradually moving into the shell where i've spent most of my waking moments in :).

one thing a good friend of mine and i share in common about death is that, we would like our funeral to be a happy occasion, not a sombre one. we would want everyone to laugh about and even make jokes of our death...well, he got his wish alright :).

so, do i really want to depart soon?...hmmm, honestly, i dont know. life does sucks and i dont mind dying, but it is not my place to determine where or how i should die. i may have the means to do so, but not the authority, only the Big Man up there is allowed to do that...besides, i'm not a suicidal idiot who thinks that death is an easy way out of life...

death is actually an interesting topic to talk about..there's nothing gothic or gloomy about it, in fact, the topic itself is as rewarding as life cos for me, to understand what life is truly about means to understand what death is...:)

man...what the hell am i rambling here..this is what you get when coming up with an entry while being groggy with sleepiness. i know i'm gonna regret this tomorrow morning hehehe...

goodnite peeps..