a fraction of truth

i don't know how i got there, all i can remember were sparkling stars decorating the night sky, few toys strewn on the pavement and me standing on the sidewalk looking at the 2nd floor balcony without much of an expectation.

an alternate observation between the hovering diamonds and the balcony while trying to digest the unfamiliar things around me, a figure exited from the sliding door, walked and stopped at the balcony railing and started looking around as if having lost something.

i hid in the shadows, not quite sure why, but i did anyway. after a while of looking somewhat lost, the figure turned to my direction as if knowing i was there even though cloaked in darkness and made the way down to me. i wanted to run, but i felt stuck..my legs were no longer part of me but an entity with its own mind disobeying the directive passed on through the biological synapses from the brain to the motor sensors.

inch by inch the figure moved towards me until we were confronted with each other. i knew the face, heck, i knew the figure from even when we were facing each other. there were stuff i wanted to say but only one word came to mind, and with regret i said, 'sorry'.

she smiled and started picking up the toys. the next thing i remember was, it was day time and she was standing beside her husband with a baby in his arm. they looked happy, i felt happy because at that moment i remembered what i had told her when i had the guts to confess my feelings,

'i'm not sure if things between us are going to work, but i feel you deserve to be with someone better, and i'm not sure if i'm that person', (okay, just an approximate of what i had meant) and she replied, 'that's for me to decide'.

strange thing about instincts is that, they are most of the time accurate regardless of how unlikely the situation may be.

i stood there for a while, smiled at them and walked away feeling contented because, i was right after all.

few hours after waking up from the dream, i logged into my facebook account and true enough, a greeting was waiting for me by her. i tinge of regret of the what might have been was temporarily experienced, but regret has no place in the present or future because everyone has moved on..as it is supposed to be.

Just an update... :)

The front page of the leisure section in the New Sabah Times today caught my attention, and it has nothing to do with the images, but simply, the heading was quite intriguing to say the least. the headline read 'Are Blogs Dead?' written by (undeniably) one of this city's very talented writer.

so i read line by line and there are truths to what she conveyed and it got me thinking on my own blog. i know it's a bit cliche, repetitive and quite redundant to indicate once more on my reasons for blogging or why i started blogging in the first place.

but you know, aside from having someone to appreciate your opinions and minus those who are only interested on the personal side of it, writing gives off some kind of personal gratification. i once said that, writing is therapeutic and it still is. it's just that, time hasn't really been on my side lately and probably age is catching up with me much quicker than i thought, leaving me less and less inspired to post an entry haha.

i've previously deleted my blogs, a public and another personal blog, and looking back i wish i hadn't done so. every entry is a memory or experience that i had gone through, experiences of being naive, naughty, mischiveous, happy, sad, indifferent and others. unfortunately, my brain was built to store information for a period of time only and after that, it gets lost as new experiences appear. so, hard as i try to remember my thoughts or feelings of yesteryears, only blanks would come to mind.

but i've learned my lesson, and i intend to keep blogging and maintain this blog for as long as i can. if one day, you notice an entry hasn't been made for more than 12months it may only mean that.......

i.....

may....

have....
....
...
.....
......
.......

...forgotten my login details hahahaha :D.

Cheers peeps :)

a dose of reality...

life has both it's ups and downs. when there's a good thing, there's definitely a bad thing waiting to happen. but that's just one of the basic universal laws, something like light and dark; yin and yang; positive and negative; and so on...

but speaking about life, we tend to forget what life is about, or more accurately what living is about. despite how happy we may be, we get lost in the mazes of life's ever changing journey. but one fail safe and fool proof aspect is certain to bring us back to our senses...which i will touch on later in this entry. but first, let's just begin with the happy stuff which makes most of us feel alive.

in the next few weeks, a line up of wedding invitations will be in order. some i might be able to attend, few i will definitely attend regardless of anything and most i won't be attending at all due to my earlier commitments. and weddings such as these would sometimes put me in a confusing situation where i try to assimilate my own happiness with theirs but no matter how i try, my envy to their own happiness overwhelms the fact that i might be in their position sometime in the future :p. heck, 10 years ago i wouldn't give a damn about stuff such as this. but life sometimes plays a funny a game on us. as we grow older, our wants or needs become limited and we start to think about what's going to happen in the next few years, choices seem to become a commodity and uncertainty becomes a lot clearer. but hey, these are just some of the ingredients which makes us wiser to say the least.

the more we are engrossed of what life has to offer, or what needs to be attained from it, we forget that life is about making every second we breath meaningful. we don't need wealth to experience life to the fullest, we just need to understand that even the little things are sources which can bring the most depressed man to become the happiest man on earth.

as i was saying earlier, the one fail safe and fool proof aspect to making us realize this is none other than...death. ironic isn't it, to understand what life is, we need to empathise what death entails. then again, life and death is a never ending cycle which interconnects with each other.

a couple of days ago, a friend and ex-colleague of mine was admitted to the hospital for cancer. i'm not really sure at what stage is he in, but from what i've been told, it's not good. i've been meaning to visit him, but, unlike what my other ex-colleague told me 'ko pi jumpa lah bapa, dia selalu suka tu crita sma ko' (go and visit 'bapa', he had always liked chatting with you), i can't ....... yeah, 'bapa' which means father as he is called in the office, a soft spoken middle aged man of around 40+ of age with three children and a loving wife, he was my colleague in the same department and we would chat while doing our work to keep the stress at a safe distance and sometimes, we would just sit quietly the whole day focusing on the task at hand. even after i left, he would sometimes ask me of my situation at my new work place whenever i call up and he would start complaining in his own gentle way as if saying it would be different if i hadn't left.

but this time around, i wouldn't know what to say if i do drop by and visit. i mean, it's easy to be sarcastic and sanguine on normal days, but, knowing what his condition is like...being the person i am might not be such a good idea. or maybe, i should ignore the fact that he's sick and continue doing what i've been doing all these while so maybe, he could get a dose of my twisted world for a temporary respite from reality..nah, how could i even joke about this.

anyway, i am confused...well, was confused to be exact. as i'm writing this down, i've finally found the answer and the approach am gonna take. if laughter is the best medicine, then i'll inject a large dose of insanity into this head. fingers crossed hahaha.

a pre-dawn mother's day accident....

it's 4am and the night is blessed with such serenity that staying home on a saturday night instead of out clubbing like any other peers my age would be doing at this this hour feels more gratifying to my existence compared to being intoxicated for a temporary high. having the time to myself allowed me to catch-up on my blog hopping, something which i haven't been doing for quite awhile now.

as i sat in front of my laptop, being fully immersed with my reading, the howling of an unknown hound broke the concentration and i was suddenly pulled back to reality surrounded by the four walls within the confine and comfort of my small room.

for some unexplained reason, the howl sounded different from what i'm used to hearing, instead of the howl of a lonely dog, it sounded as if an impending danger is about to happen and my mind wandered to where i assumed the dog was...which is at the small roundabout few metres from my house.

normally, the howlling of a dog will be accompanied by a series of howlings from other nearby dogs as if signaling to one another that they are not alone. but to some of us, if not most, grew up believing that the howlings are due to the presence of the spirits of the deceased walking in our realm. after approximately two minutes, the howling remained from a dog and as i intently listened to it, my mind pictured an accident at the roundabout. ignoring my overactive imagination, i continued my reading when suddenly the sound of screeching tyres broke the tranquility, followed by a loud bang.

"owh shit, an accident...", i said to myself, but surprisingly the urgency to be a witness to the incident was absent, and even contemplated whether i should give in to my curiosity by being there. five minutes later, i gave in, got dressed and went to the crash site with my mom...curiosity runs in the family i guess.

when we reached the place, the car was standing at 70 degrees by its front bumper supported by the gate it crashed onto and bits and pieces of the unfortunate car was strewn everywhere. from what i was told by the witnesses, the bystanders extracted the victim from the wreckage and had him seated at the side walk pavement, it didn't take me long to notice the blood streaming down his face, presumably from the injury on his head as there weren't any visible cuts on the face or anywhere on his exposed body.

i continued to observe his condition. aside from the blood, his hand and feet seemed to be fine as he was still able to move them with ease, which means the possibility of broken bones may be questioned. one thing i'm sure of is, he has been drinking as my nostrils caught a whiff of alcohol emanating from him.

the first thing i did after the brief assessment was to give the police a call, and it was my first time having done it. apparently they have been informed, but whoever made that call probably forgot to mention that a man was profusely bleeding from his head and in need of medical attention because after mentioning it to the attending policewoman, my line was directed to the general hospital of which i gave the attending hospital person on duty the information based on what have been observed.

Ten minutes later, the hospital called again probably for a follow up. but instead of asking me a different set of questions, i had to repeat myself again... yeah, great service peeps , and at the same time, two policemen arrived in a patrol car.

below is an approximate chronology of the accident from my side:

3.08am - screeching tyres followed by a loud bang.
3.15am - arrived at the scene
3.20am - made emergency call (assuming i was the second caller)
3.30am - a call back from the hospital and arrival of policemen
4.00am - left the crime scene (ambulance hasn't arrived yet)

there were several areas which irked me about this accident:
1. it took the police approximately 15-20mins to arrive at scene when (if i'm not mistaken) there were several policemen stationed at another area less than five minutes from the site.
2. they were a bit inconsiderate by asking the victim questions despite his condition.
3. the arrival of the requested medical attention took more than 30minutes to arrive at the scene.

i thought of taking few pictures and probably submit the story to the press at where i'm working at, but i figured they have their own leads within the force and besides, i don't have the authority to question either the victim or policemen hahaa. which also means that, my entry this time will have you exercise your power of imagination...again haha. ciao and HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS! :)

when two loonies interact...

"boleh....*mumble mumble*"..., an incoherent mumbling from a homeless guy and my first impression from his crusted hair and pungent smell was he must be one of those young unfortunate individuals who has gone loony due to reasons only he himself know.

from the mumble, i thought he was asking for money and my first reaction to what he was saying was "huh?" even though it wasn't my intention to listen to him, maybe i was curious to know what he wanted to say to me. as he began to repeat the sentence again, i cut him off abruptly and said "tidak" (no), leaving him behind as i head over to the open air restaurant to have my dinner.

after ordering my meal, i sat there wondering to what he was trying to say to me. something was off, and as i tried to recall the sentences he uttered before i rudely cut him off, i remembered snippets of words like "belanja" (buy) and "mi goreng" (fried noodle). not being sure made me felt restless, so i decided to head back to my car and grab my laptop since wi-fi was available there and i might get my mind off the restlessness.

surprisingly, he was at my car standing as if guarding the vehicle. as i went into my car with my back facing him, i was ready to show off some kung-fu moves should he pounce on me unannounced, but instead, he repeated the same sentence again from a distance and this time i heard him clearly, "boleh belanja mi goreng?" (can you buy me fried noodle?). at that moment i felt bad but reflexively, i said no.

i didn't mean to decline his request, and i certainly wasn't sure of saying yes either. but the thought of declining someone of wanting to have something to eat just felt wrong and it bothered me throughout my dinner.

my siblings and i, or rather all my family and relatives that i know of were raised to never be stingy with food. it's like a taboo for us to not share food, and this is one of the many valuable lessons from my parents i was able to digest, a lesson which i will certainly pass down someday to my own children and them to do the same to their children.

from where i was sitting, i couldn't tell if the homeless guy was still there or not. but right before finishing my meal, i had the captain to prepare a take-away and even threw in a can drink to go along with it just in case the guy was still around.

as i walked back to my car, the guy was still standing there, nearby the restaurant entrance. i didn't want the other patrons to see that i bought this guy a meal, but i realized that no matter where i decide to give him the take away, it'll still be conspicuous to some of the patrons there.

the homeless guy wasn't much help at all, he saw me carrying a bag of something in my hand and to normal people, they would've guessed the content would be none other than food since i just stepped out from an eatery premises, then again, i'm not exactly dealing with a normal guy. this may sound funny, but i had to make eye contact with the guy and raised the bag in my hand to coax him over to my car. i can tell the patrons were looking at me, but at that moment i somehow didn't care. why would i be ashamed of doing a good deed, right? as he took the bag from me, few of the patrons stood up to see what was going on. somehow sensing the awkward situation, the guy took me by surprise when he said "terima kasih bang" (thank you 'bro') and walked away fast paced... well, at least he had the decency to thank me before dissapearing into the darkness.

a wave of relief and warm feeling enveloped me, it has been quite sometime since i last did a good deed to someone and it felt good! :). what can i say, sue me for being nice hahaha.

of hunches, experience and observation...

few weeks before i moved to another company (which was last year), i had a strong urge to enquire about my ex, so i met up with her sister and the first question which came out from my mouth was "how many weeks pregnant is she?", and of course, the sister was confused because as far as she knows, no one's getting pregnant in the family.

unable to shake it off me, i decided to send my ex a message directly. i started with the usual "how are you?", "How's everything?", "how's life in the married lane?" but being the untactful guy, i blurted out "how many weeks pregnant are you?" and just like the sister, she was confused as well hahaha. so i decided to drop the question thinking i may be mistaken. But recently, i checked out her facebook and guess what...she's EXPECTING anytime soon, so i did the basic calculation: i left my old company on 6th July 2009 and now she's in her 9th month hahaha.

this wasn't the first though...few years back while having a chat with a good pal about our family background, the same urge came over and i couldn't help but ask if his sister was pregnant. he wasn't sure, but the next day he came to me and said "yeah, she's 2 weeks pregnant. it was just confirmed yesterday...how'd you know?". hahaha, if i only knew hahaha.

i just got back from a group weekend island escapade for 3 days 2 nights. one of my colleague brought her sister along to the trip and i dare say that i was the least comfortable with her. there was something about her which turned me off completely even when she was being all nice to me hahaha. so yesterday, i was having lunch with my colleague and we talked about the trip. out of nowhere, i asked if her sister was having an affair? yeah, among all things i had to come up with that...my colleague looked at me intently, probably surprised with the question and denied it. i'm fine with the denial, besides it has nothing to do with me but she kept pestering as to why i said so. i told her, it was just a hunch and finally she admitted that her 'married' sister is having an affair with another 'married' man and resorted to calling me a 'creepy' person hahaha.

and now, i suspect that my subordinate is pregnant and i'm not sure whether i should be giving her the usual load or consider her situation. then again, she hasn't told me or my boss yet of her condition (if my gut is right) so i may probably ignore it and continue doing what i've been doing all these while. maybe i'll be doing her a favor financially or career wise if she miscarriaged due to the workload as she's still not married to her boyfriend although they're living together (yeah, i have an evil streak in me muahahaha).

sometimes, it pays to be a loner and an observer of humans or body languages. there are just some stuff we would be able to pick up regardless of its practicality hahaha.

owh, hi people..and it's good to be rambling again after the long break hahaha.

sleepless nights solution...

i'm starting to believe that a well rested sleep is a privilege given to the lucky few (or many, depending on the demographic haha), the privileged few of whom i'm not a part of hahaha.

sleeping have been quite a task for me, ok..not sleeping per se, but sleeping early to get the minimum 6 hours of rest. after a sweeping self diagnosis, i couldn't find anything which could explain the inablility to tap into the REM state like what everyone else are doing. i tried googling the causes for my sleep deprivation but no conclusive reason came up of which may explain the cause of it, besides..some of the symptoms doesn't really tally with what i'm experiencing hahaha.

Put it this way, have you ever been extremely tired/ sleepy and eventually fell asleep..but instead of going into dreamland, you seem to be fully aware of your surrounding. every sound you hear registers in your brain and by the time you wake up, you've been sleeping for 5 hours but it feels like you've been sleeping for less than 1 hour! or when you do close your eyes and about to doze off, a sudden random sound suddenly appears out of nowhere but instead of being woken up by the sound, you wake up due to a bright light your brain conjures to describe the noise. or better yet, you suddenly hear someone calling out to you but only in that instant.

and when i do fall asleep, i seem to get this weird dreams...some scary, some quite worrisome and dreams which feels like i literally took part in, leaving me exhausted the next day as if i've only had an hour of sleep instead of the actual 6-8 hours :).

you may think that i'm stressed, but truthfully i'm far from being bothered with my daily routines, i do have a high tolerance when it comes to stress anyways haha.

Having been a late sleeper for quite a time now, i decided to do something about it...no, i'm not taking any prescription drugs to deal with the problem but instead, i've taken up a part time job which requires me working from 8.30pm-11.30pm (or later)..., yeah news flash..I HAVE A PART TIME JOB! hahahaha.

now, there are pros and cons with taking up this part time job. so i'll start with the cons first.

CONS
a) i won't be having any quality lone time as much as i want to
b) i won't be out drinking quite as often (well, haven't been doing that for quite awhile anyway haha)
c) i won't be able to hang out with my buddies without prior arrangement hahaha
d) etc etc etc hahaha

PROS
a) i will be paid for staying up late doing an easy task
b) savings will be a lot easier
c) now i can use this excuse to 'politely' decline an invitation to hang out with people hahaha
d) it'll take my mind off from my day time job hahaha

so, what exactly does this part time job requires me to do? easy, just proof reading the articles before they are sent out for final printing. as you guessed, i'm now affiliated with one of the local dailies here and frankly, i'm having fun hahaha.

my only consolation....food hahaha