being angry randomly...

call it stress or call me crazy...either one, agitation and annoyance ruled the day and strangely enough for no apparent reason.

ok, i lied. there was a reason, but it was too trivial and random that it couldn't possibly be the source of my restlessness.

simply said, i woke up despising humans for their weaknesses and wished that i was never 'brought' to this world. can't help but feel like i was way better off in the imaginary land where everything was peaceful and the two moons shined.

what triggered the unexpected emotion? not sure, but i'm pretty certain it had something to do with all the reported cases of animal cruelties.

i should stop caring about anything for the time being and keep my empathy in check.

getting over a loss...

As mentioned in my previous post, i 'ignorantly' ran over a kitten. it has been a couple of days now and i am still haunted by my action.

i can't stop thinking of how frightened the kitty looked when it ran under my car and the bump when i ran over it. i can't shake off my mind that the only reason it stopped running was because it expected me to alight from my car, pick it up and provide it the security it needed but instead was run over by my ignorance.

the worse part is, i started doubting if i left the kitty at the grove possibly alive. pretty sure it was dead though, the eyes were bulging and i couldn't sense any movement at all...but what if i was wrong? what if the kitten was only unconscious? what if....

yeah..the thought keeps playing in my head like a broken record, and it's all too clear when my hands are on the steering wheel. obviously the guilt hasn't left me, furthermore, it felt like there was something missing...

it was mentioned that the kitty was laid to rest in a grove, but that's just one part of the truth. what i didn't mention was, i left it in the open under a tree. i know it wasn't right, but there wasn't any tools around to dig a grave.

after work today, i was compelled to return to its resting place half hoping that a miracle occurred and find the kitten alive...injured but alive.

reality sucked, all i found was its remains all bloated up but without any foul stench. i stayed there for a few minutes and stared at it while trying to figure out what exactly was missing..nothing, not even a single thought came into mind.

i returned to my car, lit up a ciggy and just stared blankly into space...and it hit me, i knew the reason why i felt something was missing and it was a name! to some, this may sound silly..even dumb.

all living beings are born with a name and names are born with or given to. without a name, anything would remain insubstantial.

you may argue that a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. without a name the rose would only be known as a flower but given a name, the flower now has a specific form that we can associate with. in other words, we remember the flower because it is called the rose.

that's what i did...i gave the kitten a name and called it 'Manangkus' which means 'running' in our Kadazan-Dusun language for the obvious reason. right then, i felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulder. call it strange, weird or whatever you want, i just don't care.

so, RIP Manangkus. the next time if i (ever) adopt another stray that looks somewhat like you, i'll honor it with your name.

grieving for a loss...

today, i ran over a kitten. the sound of its final yelp when my tyre crushed its skull and its spastic movements leading to its death is going to haunt me for a very long time.

i'd like to say it was an accident and i shouldn't feel too bad about it...but the thing is, it was my ignorance that led to the accident. maybe i wouldn't feel as bad if it happened on a busy highway, unfortunately it happened at a red light.

the kitten went under my car and i should've checked before driving off when the light turned green. i shouldn't have cared about what the drivers behind would think or do if i had just taken a moment to stop and look...in other words, i am to be blamed for what had happened.

i looked into the rear view mirror and there it was the kitten writhing in pain on the road. i immediately stopped my car, something i should've done earlier, got out and ran about 10 meters to where the kitten was. there were no second thoughts, i picked up the kitten disregarding its bowel excrement, ran back to the car and sped off thinking i might be able to reach the vet which was 20km away all the while hoping that its injury wasn't fatal...but deep down i knew it wasn't going to make it or rather, i wasn't going to reach the clinic in time. bragged as Malaysia's administration center with all the hype of being a peaceful, harmonious and green city, it's sad that Putrajaya lacks any veterinary services.

5 minutes later, the kitten stopped moving and it felt like my world came crashing down.

i'm not much of a crier but my tears swelled up in my eyes and dried up before they had a chance to fall. after 15minutes of driving aimlessly, i found a grove and laid its tiny feline body to rest.

i wish i could turn back time and do the right thing.

a lesson learned, at a cost of a life....

in memory of: steve jobs

i wanted to write about psychopathy and sociopathy from my own perspective, but that would have to wait since today is a sad day for most people (techies especially). Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple, an entrepreneur and inventor passed away at the age of 56.

normally, the deaths of prominent people don't affect me much or at all regardless of whether they are religious figures, celebrities or politicians simply because (in my opinion) they have reached a point where they can't do anything much aside from what they've already done (yeah shallow, i know...) so losing them isn't exactly a loss. in other words, they've accomplished their task.

when i read the news on steve job's demise, a feeling of loss crept in and the weird part is that i'm not even a fan of him or do i follow up on his activities...i don't even own any iphones, ipads, ipods or other apple products! what i felt in that instant was, a loss of a great man with a great mind who (if he was alive and well) could bring in new inventions and innovations to a higher level!

but then again, he has done a lot during his lifetime and (probably) left the world without regret. He was also (probably) loved and respected by many.

so ask the question. who are we and what can we do to change the world?


RIP Steve Jobs. you will be missed.

if i could...would i?

having blessed with free will, freedom and a mind of our own, it's not surprising that we tend to come up with crazy (or probably radical) ideas of how we want to experience or experiment things first hand just to fulfill our curiosities. heck, this was how inventions and innovations came to be.

but sometimes, these curiosities can take a turn for the worse when the thoughts get a little bit on the dark side. because of this, i sometimes scare myself with the things that i conjure up in my head.

this may sound wrong in many levels, but there have been times when i had thought of seeing someone bleed to death from a single open wound such as a cut to the wrist or to any one major veins. gory accidents doesn't count as there would be blood all around, leaving them unsightly messy and probably unconscious.

some other times, i would imagine what it would be like to give the abusers, torturers and killers of humans and animals (out of greed or fun) a taste of their own medicine. would they appreciate what is being done unto them?

after having these scary thoughts, i asked myself if i have the guts to actually inflict pain on others and my sadistic side gladly responded 'yes'...but do i have the heart to commit murder? my conscience was torn at this question but as much i would like to see these people suffer, i could not take another person's life (and hopefully i would never face a situation where i have to) . i can just imagine the burden and guilt of having blood on my hands. correct me if i'm wrong but once you've taken a person's life, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

sadistically funny isn't it? hahaha :D

next post: psychopath vs sociopath...

tempoRary insaNity...

everyone goes through that phase where things seem to be meaningless and whatever you're doing or have been doing all these while doesn't amount to be anything much. and when you start questioning your own existence, that's where things can turn for the worse...it's like pouring gasoline to a raging fire.

in situations like this, it helps to have like minded friends who are open as a book or a little bit crazy in doing things that you're into...say for example, a midnight dip by the beach after a drink under the drizzling rain with flashes of lightning and roaring thunder...yes, there's a danger in doing that, but life is full of risks and and it has been proven over and over again that despite the safety precautions that we take, we are never free from the dangers lurking around the corner. so if it's our time, there's nothing much we can do to change that.

after hanging out with my pal last night, it dawned on me how much i missed this type of company. open, unreserved and no or very little pretenses. i like the fact that these people who choose to hang out with me are not doing their best to change the situation but in fact go with the flow and see where the situation leads us and i love it when i can just say out my mind without having to worry about what other people might think. i like and miss the openness these people have.

coming back to the topic, everyone has that insanity streak within them and most are very good at covering it up. but why cover the insanity if it defines the person you really are? it's like telling van gogh to paint as to what his eyes see but not at what his heart feel. if your sanity makes you a better person, it's best to not hide it.

it took me quite awhile to get to terms with my own streaks. i thought that moving to a new environment i could at least be a different person, blend in with the crowd and be just like everyone else who are, to say the least, normal in everyday sense.

but my recent crisis communications workshop proved me otherwise when i failed in my situational interview. instead of just being who i am, i decided to try and act like i was one of those people in the room who were fluent with their responses. bad move, i was more afraid of being wrong by imitating others rather than being right for being me. besides, i was never an actor in the first place.

so who am i really? the answer is: i am an observer of actions and situations, i am best when i'm alone and better when surrounded by few trusted friends, i am an angry person who contradicts himself by smiling and laughing as a way to suppress the rage, i am strange in more ways than one, and a lost and confused lad in this new world of modern age. in other words, i am just like everyone out there who are still trying to find themselves...a unique individual and a normal human among the weird ones :Dyeah, i may be crazy...but i'm not stupid. stay tuned, things might get a little bit darker from here onwards hahaha.

ciao peeps :p

we are a primitive race...

One has to wonder what are our purposes in life. aside from the usual stuff that we do such as eating, drinking, shitting (hahaha), work, sleep, etc etc... we must have a significant role to play that only ourselves are capable of doing, i mean why else are we created differently from each other?

On my end, i want to do a lot of stuff. unfortunately, the things that i want to do aren't in my capabilities. for example, i'd (very much) like to pass judgment (most likely the death sentence) to whomever kills other people and animals senselessly (and this includes the leaders who wages war against their fellow humans).

I just wish that the day would come when all humans regardless of their race and skin color work together without taking their beliefs or religions as an excuse to refrain from being together as one and i wish that people will someday have the commonality to agree on things for the better sake of a bright future.

Sadly, being (a primitive) human denies us that privilege. which makes me wonder the societal structure for aliens (assuming that they exist) from other planets.

given their highly evolved brain, would they still squabble among themselves in petty stuff to the point of declaring war against each other in their home-world? or do they focus on advancing their civilization to a higher level?

I remember a watching an episode from the sci-fi series 'SG-1' a decade ago which shows a peaceful civilization that banned all form of violence and warfare as it nearly destroyed their world a long time ago. so instead, they focused on advancing their technology to improve their living condition and to protect their home-world from potential threats by other planetary beings. the point that i'm trying to say is that, why can't we as humans work together for our own benefit? why must there be wars in the name of religion, ego or greed? why can't we advance our mentality for the good of mankind?

i'd like to say that my trust and hope on people and humanity is fading, and i'd like to say that i am ashamed of being one of them. but i can't, because as much as i'd like to think otherwise, the fact remains that i am still human and the best i can do now is hope that we humans would someday come to our senses...hopefully sooner.

peace out and cheers...

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