Thursday, March 8, 2012

getting over a loss...

As mentioned in my previous post, i 'ignorantly' ran over a kitten. it has been a couple of days now and i am still haunted by my action.

i can't stop thinking of how frightened the kitty looked when it ran under my car and the bump when i ran over it. i can't shake off my mind that the only reason it stopped running was because it expected me to alight from my car, pick it up and provide it the security it needed but instead was run over by my ignorance.

the worse part is, i started doubting if i left the kitty at the grove possibly alive. pretty sure it was dead though, the eyes were bulging and i couldn't sense any movement at all...but what if i was wrong? what if the kitten was only unconscious? what if....

yeah..the thought keeps playing in my head like a broken record, and it's all too clear when my hands are on the steering wheel. obviously the guilt hasn't left me, furthermore, it felt like there was something missing...

it was mentioned that the kitty was laid to rest in a grove, but that's just one part of the truth. what i didn't mention was, i left it in the open under a tree. i know it wasn't right, but there wasn't any tools around to dig a grave.

after work today, i was compelled to return to its resting place half hoping that a miracle occurred and find the kitten alive...injured but alive.

reality sucked, all i found was its remains all bloated up but without any foul stench. i stayed there for a few minutes and stared at it while trying to figure out what exactly was missing..nothing, not even a single thought came into mind.

i returned to my car, lit up a ciggy and just stared blankly into space...and it hit me, i knew the reason why i felt something was missing and it was a name! to some, this may sound silly..even dumb.

all living beings are born with a name and names are born with or given to. without a name, anything would remain insubstantial.

you may argue that a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. without a name the rose would only be known as a flower but given a name, the flower now has a specific form that we can associate with. in other words, we remember the flower because it is called the rose.

that's what i did...i gave the kitten a name and called it 'Manangkus' which means 'running' in our Kadazan-Dusun language for the obvious reason. right then, i felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulder. call it strange, weird or whatever you want, i just don't care.

so, RIP Manangkus. the next time if i (ever) adopt another stray that looks somewhat like you, i'll honor it with your name.

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