Wednesday, April 30, 2008

star-less stroll and ramblings...

as of my last post, i got extremely bored at home so i decided to go out and entertain myself. i didnt plan on going out alone earlier and i wanted to invite a friend to spend my time with, but after giving it some thought i dont think i'm ready to be out hanging out with anyone just yet.

so there i was driving alone at approximately 10pm down to my usual waterhole only to find it crowded, on a weekday!! i was in the mood to spend sometime having fun by myself so i had to move to another place where i dont think it would be crowded, someplace i can be anonymous. i did find the place and made myself comfortable with a mug of stout, but after a while i didnt feel like spending more time in that place cos i felt like an outsider so i finished my stout and left.

well, i was still in the mood to drink..so i drove around thinking where else can i find cheap booze while maintaining my anonymity until i came to a place which is close by to where i live. the place looked like it had a bar and karaoke cos their headline said 'CAfe & Lounge' but if i knew they meant it literally i wouldnt have stopped by hahaha. so i moved out from that place and came to another place nearby. i was practically at the staircase when i heard a bunch of unruly women speaking out loud. suffice to say i was turned off by such unlady like behaviour hahaha...

probably tonight wasnt meant for me to be drinking, so i decided to head home straight instead hahaha. and by the time i reached my house, i can feel the stout doing it's mojo on me...yeah, i was becoming slightly tipsy (strange isnt it...probably after having been inactive in the drinking arena, my ability to hold my liquor is somewhat diminishing hehe).

anyway, as i propped down on the sofa watching tv, my mind started wandering off by it's own. i began to reminisce of the past and trying to foresee the future. i realized that i'm letting my past into my present which in turn would affect the future and i needed to do something before i fall into the same situation again (being away from everyone..).

but dont get me wrong, letting the past into the present isnt exactly a bad thing at all. sometimes we can learn a lot from it. but to gain from the past, we must have a clear understanding of the present and the only way to do so is to get over previous events in order for clear judgment to take control. thats where my problem lies, i have yet to get over the past :).

anyhow, things has been looking up to me partly because of my ignorance. and being ignorant is the only thing i think i'm good at after years of conditioning myself to loneliness.

oh crap...with these mood swings, one might think i'm manic depressive (maybe i am...shoud get myself checked out sometime) hahaha. i really gotta stop all these nonsense muahahahaha. will post again someday when i do feel like it okie...

buenas noches y grato suenos le tu :)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

ramblings...

guess what, am stuck here in the office trying to finish off my paper works and picture archiving before i'm gone for the holiday for the next few days. i'll still be working tomorrow though but only for half day :).

well, i should've posted about this trip earlier and pretend like i'm all psyched up about this trip, but honestly speaking...i wanted to pull myself out of it. am not really sure whether i should be excited or be realistic about it. okay, i want to go for this trip but i'm not really sure if this is what i needed.

everyone else seems excited about it, well probably because they have something to look forward to doing there. i on the other hand is a bit sceptical at how much fun will i be having. look at it this way, we will be at an island surrounded by water..the best thing i can do there is just swim around or stay in the water (which i dont really mind actually...i can stay for hours in it as long as i dont start shivering hahaha) and other than that, there wont be much of any activity i can do. sun bathing is definitely not an option, i'm tanned (okay okay, i'm dark skinned for a Chinese look alike haha) enough as it is :). somebody suggested i should go snorkelling, but hey..i've tried that before and it's no fun at all, it's a lot more meaningful to dive in closer to the sea bed. scuba-diving? heck no,..i mean not at the time being hahaha. i've mentioned before that i have this fear of colored water/ deep water, just thinking about how deep blue the underwater is gives me the creeps (i'll let it a go for this time being, although i know that someday my curiousity will drive me to give it a try :P).

anyways, i intended to leave home early today and spend sometime with my dog. i promised him that i would play with him last weekend but i was too caught up with the internet i had to break the promise and now everytime he hears my voice he would make that pitiful whimpering doggy sound (geez...). this dog is strange (well, he should be..i think he got that from me hahaha), he doesnt exactly listen to anyone else but me. i dont even have to put him on a leash whenever i take him out for a walk at the beach cos he always stays by my side (and i didnt even have to train him) hahaha..

oh and just you know, i've taught the other old dog (not my dog) to sit, sleep, and stand in just 1 day (surprised? so was i haha). didnt exactly know how it happened, but when i came home from work, i decided to just speak to him and give him that TLC. it didnt work for the first few minutes but he somehow got what i'm trying to get him to do after few attempts hahaha...gosh, maybe i should be a dog whisperer hahaha (i've always known that i'm exceptionally good with animals hehe), who says we cant teach old dogs new tricks hehehe.

anyways, pardon my ramblings..need to let off some steam before heading home :).

hasta luego peeps hehe :).

Saturday, April 26, 2008

meme?

Plagiarized this from somewhere but somehow lost its original link hahaha.

1. First Memory
wtf? couldnt even remember what i did 20 years ago haha
2. First Pet
i think my family's first pet was a dog (or dogs to be more exact). but i was never much of a dog person so my first pet would be a cat which i found during kindy and snuck it back to my house. Mom didnt approve of it but i persisted to having that cat...stayed with us until it ran away (i think, or was run over by a car hahaha) huhuhuhu :)
3. First Embarrassing Moment
i think it would be when i was selected to represent my school for the children's storytelling interschool competition held at the state library. i wasnt the least nervous during the selection round, but when it came to the final round i couldnt get the words out and started crying haha. hey, i was only 8 years old then and there were other better storytellers than i was, besides..they brought their own props and i didnt bring anything to make my presentation more livelier (cos i didnt know we can do that haha). my first and most embarrassing moment became a permanent scar...i can no longer perform on stage alone hahaha (strangely enough, i never had any problem with public speaking hehehe).
4. First “Best Friend”
Jonathan Siambun. Went to primary school together and the friendship lasted until the angel of death  took him away...rest in peace dude...
5. First Night Away from Home
I think my first sleepover was every weekend at my cousin's place in Penampang :)
6. First Love
hahaha, my first love happened quite later in life...but i'll keep that to myself. no point in expressing love when you've been rejected hahaha.
7. First Unrequited Love
hmmm, there was this girl i had a major crush on. she was like a year younger than i was and it took me several months to get to know her and finally had the guts to ask her out. well, suffice to say...i did go out with her once and thats it (that happened with most of my dates then, one date and it's all over hahaha) cos i thought i wasnt good enough. well, i shouldnt have let my insecurities get in the way :p.
8. First Unreturned Love
hmmm...unreturned huh? isnt it the same as question 7?
9. First Kiss
first kiss was when i was 16 i think...but my first great kiss was...only for me to know hahaha
10. First Bike
when i was 8 or 9? couldnt remember well. dad couldnt afford us a bike so what he did was he collected all the parts and assembled it to be a fully functioning bicycle haha. wish i had his hands, i couldnt even fix a leaking pipe! hahaha (not that i've ever tried though hehe)
11. First Car
came with my first official job, which was in 2005
12. First Time on a Motorcycle
With my uncle when i was just 6 i think...it was a groovy bike haha
13. First Plane Trip
when i was 22 yrs old hahaha. dont ask me why i was never on a plane before haha
14. First Trip Abroad
hmmm...havent been anywhere further than malaysia, so i'll skip this one :)
15. First Job
i was a salesman going in and out of coffee shops and other business premise trying to sell all these cheap stuff. it was extremely embarrassing and i should've quit sooner, but i just finished my high school exam and i didnt know what else to do so i decided to continue doing this to build my self esteem and confidence. and i made a right decision haha. i wasnt working for the money cos back then i didnt need much of it since i was more of a homebody hehe.
16. First Apartment
never had a chance to stay in one, but instead we rented a house during my college years hahaha. man...those were the days and i miss the guys a lot haha.
17. First Furniture Purchased New
does airbags count? hehehe
18. First Regret
being in an accident? shoudn't have been behind the wheels haha. then again, its an experience i dont wish to forget either :).
19. First Fight
hmm...with my eldest sister i guess haha (we used to fight alot!! right Gems hehehe)
20. First Big Book Report
never done this before :)
21. First Scar
on my head and only visible when i'm bald (yeah, i used to be bald alot of times during my secondary school years hahaha). an accidental gift from my eldest sister as well hehe.
22. First Surgery
that would be how i got my first scar hahaha.
23. First Hospital Stay
when i was born i think. was born 3 weeks premature so i had to stay a wee bit longer (if i'm not mistaken :)).
24. First Automobile Accident
driving downhill after our waterfall trip. damn.... :P.
25. First Trip to the Emergency Room
i think i was just 6 years old then when i decided to do something stupid like inserting a seed into my nose and couldnt get it out haha. good thing my dad was just leaving for work when he noticed there was something wrong with me and he rushed me to the hospital...i think that was when i had my first anesthetic as well hahaha
26. First Religious Experience
dont quite remember...wasnt much of a church goer then (and now) but i do believe in the Son hahaha.
27. First Album
Was it Jon Secada? hahaha
28. First Arena Concert
nope...never been to one :)
29. First Concert
i think it would be the KRU concert after the third day my grandfather died. while the others are still grieving, i was already over it and decided to have fun haha. didnt really like the group though but i just went out just for the sake of it :P.
30. First Movie That Scared the Shit Out of Me
not exactly a movie...Freddy Krueger: Nightmare on elm street hahaha
31. First Movie I Saw More Than Once
The willow
32. First Theft
stole some money from my mom/dad to just to buy stuff from the canteen hahaha.
33. First Run-In with the Law
good thing i'm clean :)
34. First Vote in a Public Election
I havent even registered!! hahaha
35. First Public Nudity
No way!
36. First Time Being Drunk
16 or 17 (couldnt remember) haha.
37. First Death of Family Member or Friend
weird...i couldnt recall any 'first' death
38. First Illegal Drug Use
marijuana..just for fun. it didnt even affect me the least! while everyone was laughing their ass out for no apparent reason, i was left there staring and wondering what the hell are they thinking hahaha.
39. First Funeral
i couldnt recall..
40. First Wedding
I think an aunt & uncle? Fuzzy memories hahaha
41. First Time I Felt “Like an Adult”
when i left home for college hahaha...
42. First time I Grieved
i dont quite remember...but it has something to do with my pet dying hahaha
43. First Forced Apology
dont remember...
44. First Time I Was Impressed with Myself
how i stood up for myself when i had my first fight with a classmate (i was 12 years old and since, no one ever dared to lay their hands on me hahaha).
45. First Bad Haircut
this happened quite a lot...couldnt recall the first one hahaha. Besides, i'm not much of a hair person :).
46. First Time Being Grounded
i dont think i was ever grounded cos...there's no point in grounding me when i'm always at home hahaha
47. First Piece of Clothing I Loved
i think my boxers hahaha
48. First Realization that Not Everyone Else is Like Me
Uh, birth? haha
49. First Computer Encounter
i think i when i was just 7 or 8. went over to my cousin's place who was like 10 years older than i was and he showed me how to use it :)
50. First Fight With A Teacher
hahaha, when i was 17. i was really in a rebellious stage, when my teacher called me up front for having long hair and threatened to cut it off i took matters into my own hands. i grabbed the scissors, started cuttting my own hair while looking straight at him in front of the entire class, slammed down the scissors and said 'satisfied?' and walked back to my desk. i think he didnt quite expect a reaction from me since i was always the good kid (heck, i was the assistant class and lab monitor haha), and all he can say is...'you're gonna regret this, you will not pass your exam until you apologised'...well, guess what..i failed my exam and i didnt even apologised although my guilty conscience was eating me inside hahaha. but i made my peace with him when i left though :).

there you go...50 first times stuff about me hahaha. ciao peeps..gonna be at a friend's place for a drinking session...been a week since i last had any hahaha.

ciao...

No More Drama - Mary J. Blige

'a new slate, a new change..'

i first heard this song a few years back, and ever since then this has been one of my favourite song ever by the singer. but back then, i didnt know why this song had an impact on me. i was never in an emotional predicament but everytime this song was on air, my heart would just melt as if crying.

but after several years, i now understand what this song is saying..and during my sabbatical from blogging and everything or everyone around me, i came across this song once again. i realized why this song had an effect then and now.

then, i never cared much about having a serious relationship..of being serious with anyone because i was practically waiting or looking for someone who could be totally in sync with myself. i met a lot of people but no one worth looking at twice, there wasn't any chemistry. i've had relationships in the past, but it was platonic..we were together just for the sake of having someone to spend our time with. this song reminded me how lucky i was of not having to go through the pain and heartaches of relationships turned sour.

after years of going through life without anything or anyone to care about, my time to experience pain and heartache finally came and it hit me with full force. i wasnt prepared for it though i've told myself over and over again that if 1 day i have to go through this phase, i will get over it quickly without any complications. yeah, saying it is damn easier than actually doing it. few weeks later i heard this song on air and that's when i knew what this song means and why is it significant during my sabbatical. the song became my pillar of strength to get through the tough times..but hey, i've learned to deal with it now and taking one thing at a time is definitely the best remedy to get over things.

anyway, listen to the song in my playlist and read through the lyrics. you might probably have an idea on what am i rambling about here :).

No More Drama

So tired, tired of these drama
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired

Broken heart again
Another lesson learn
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burn
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Noone's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I like the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No one's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears,
I'm tired of cryin everynight)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Avoid these drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning)
No drama, no more in my life

No more drama, no more drama
No more drama, no more drama
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of these drama

geez...Saturday afternoon drama hahaha.
You have a good Saturday aight :)..ciao peeps...

Friday, April 25, 2008

floods and frustration!

today has to be my most frustrating day this whole week. having gotten the news that i might have to cancel my pre-planned trip, i was stuck in a jam due to the flash floods which hit certain areas along the Tuaran-Inanam road. crap... the only consolation was, i was in a four wheeler and i wasnt the one driving hahaha. if it was me behind the wheels, i might've already screamed at everyone and everything around me haha (nah, i wouldnt hehe).

yeah, the flash floods were quite bad. cars were stranded by the roadside waiting for the water recede, school children had to get off their school bus and wade through the water just to meet up with their family at the other end (and the time then was already 7pm!).

it's sad to know that events like these are still happening in developed areas. with all these developments going on, one would expect that problems like this would be eradicated by now...apparently not :P. who are we supposed to blame now? the people or the government?

my teacher (yeah, like more than 10 years ago haha) told me once that flash floods are caused by irresponsible people who doesn't care much about environment through thoughtless littering causing blockage to our irrigation system. but for the past few years, it's quite obvious that everyone nowadays are aware of the dangers posed and has been more civic minded when it comes to cleanliness and environmental conservation. or are these flash floods a testament to our ignorance to be more civic conscious and that what we have been doing all these while are just masquerades to what needs to be shown?

or is it possible to say that all these developments are just a facade to show to everyone that we are living in a so called developed state when in fact we cant even overcome this constant pressing matter? it's strange isnt it that everywhere we go, there are developments around and most of these developments involves the irrigation system. nearly everywhere we turn, there would be someone constructing ditches and all but whenever it rains, the same problem would appear. so, is there something wrong with our urban planning schematics?

gosh, why do i even bother thinking about trivial stuff like this? hahaha. anyway, i arrived home safely and i shouldn't be complaining..besides, i dont have the rights to complain what the government does since i didnt even vote in the recent election..heck, come to think of it i havent even registered! hahaha. lets look at this as a lesson for our citizens' rights before really getting into the real fight hahaha.

ciao peeps :)...

frustration!

DAMN IT!! I'm never gonna plan anything again. from now onwards, i'm gonna live in spontaneity and ignore any future plannings! so much for a well planned holiday..for someone like me who doesnt really look forward into doing anything, this sure is a bummer..

End of May should've been my holiday period. i was supposed to be free from anything work related for 1 whole week and this has been pre-planned from way before. i havent been on a long holiday (which i strongly deserve!) for quite sometime and after cancelling my last planning (which was supposed to be in March) due to work commitments, i decided to rechedule it to a less hectic period in the office, hence the May planning.

but as of today, looking at all the media VTP's coming in May..i realized that i would be extremely busy with all the back to back arrivals. aww man, where the hell is the justice in that?!! i knew we would be having several media coming in to the hotel but i've worked my schedule around them to fit in my initial plan and i thought everything would work out just fine. just a moment ago, my boss told me that i might have to cancel my trip as our media arrival is more than what was expected! wtf!!

this is not fair, definitely unfair. i dont mind cancelling my trip if they were to reimburse my airfare (there you have it, its not exactly about the plan but more about the money spent haha). then again, look at the bright side...if do cancel my trip, i would be saving on my expenses there right? NO, the hell with optimism!! i need a break, a long break. i've been working like a dog and i think i'm at my limit so before i blow up in front of everyone, i need to have that long holiday! haha.

i have yet to receive the full portion of the itineraries and yet to be informed of the remaining group coming in. but based on my own list, i would be extremely occupied from May 13th onwards dealing with the media outdoors which means i won't even have time for myself. damn stupid bastards...

this is just another example of why life sucks most of the time hahaha

ciao peeps...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

life in rambles

Going through life thinking everything will turn out fine if we just do as what we're being told to or do everything by the book is nothing more than living in a prison of our own doing. there are so many things out there that are yet to be discovered. i've said this once too many that life is not meant to be understood but to be enjoyed. the enjoyment in itself lies in the process of discovering what life is all about and in order to do that, we have to try everything at least once.

yeah, life may suck most of the time, but it is up to us to make the best of we know how. you cant expect everything good to fall onto your lap just by sitting around doing nothing do you? haha. we should be out there in the open looking beyond the horizon for every good opportunities that may pass by, grab it by it's horns and make it one of our memorable life's experience.

sadly enough though, not everyone understands this notion. about 95% of the world's population are constantly seeking for that one thing which makes them complete, the very thing that brings meaning to their life. but in the process of searching, they lose sight of the little things which, when added up would make up for the whole item which they have been searching for.

life is strange, everybody experiences life in different levels and degrees. the way we perceive what life is depends on the person's perception of the things around him. some regards life as a temporary fun and a lifetime of suffering while others view life as plethoric and beautiful. in my case, i see life as a big blank canvas waiting to be filled up while we're the artists and our experiences are the colors. the canvas would only come out beautifully if we mix all the colors together regardless of whether they are ugly or unsightly because what makes it beautiful doesn't lie in the colors or what is drawn but more so the meaning it represents.

finding the answer behind the meaning of life is nothing but a waste of time. thousands and millions of years have passed since our earliest ancestors tried to justify the reason behind their existence, our existence. but up until now, no one has the answer to this life long questions and people will still be searching for the answer until the last man on earth returns to sand.

all we need to understand is that, life is unpredictable. the best thing we can do now is...just go with the flow and experience life as it is...

geez...rambling again hahaha.

ps: i have strange mood swings...i might write something similar in the future which contradicts everything which has been written here hahahaha. then again, who cares..this is just a rambling of some sort hehehe..

ciao peeps :)

25 things i learned from my mother...

Found this while browsing through other people blogs and it brought a smile to my face :). enjoy peeps..

25 Things i learned from my mother.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.


3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.


7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!


13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!


15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.


17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!


18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.


19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?


20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.


21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.


22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.


23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?


24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.


25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

taken from: http://www.okayarms.com

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

blogs blogs blogs...

as of tonight, i am now actively blog hopping to everyone's blogs..and when i say everyone, i meant every blog that i lay my eyes on hahaha. havent been doing much of blog hopping recently, but after stumbling on Sabahanblog.com i now have (practically) everyone's blog in my hands muahahaha (ehem ehem...).

if i had known of this site earlier, i would have made my transition from Wordpress to Sabahanblog instead of Blogspot (not that i have any problem with it or anything hehe). One thing about Wordpress is that, altering the outlook is quite troublesome, you actually need to pay them for the HTML editing function (not that i'm good with it hehe) which i actually did pay for it only to regret it in the end cos i dont have any f*****g idea how the HTML thingy works hahahaha. besides, i tried tinkering with the syntax and all only to make it worse (though not that obvious...only i knew what wasnt right haha). i was quite worried with the transit here to Blogspot as there were rumors running around that this site is more susceptible to virus attacks (or was it viral...aaaahh, whichever haha).

okay, so as i was browsing through the blogs in Sabahanblog.com, a message suddenly appeared in the window which went like this 'Error establishing a database connection' and i went like 'WTF!!', just when i was being familiar with the blogs available the server had to be in error. geez...then again i figured since this site is quite new, they're bound to face some technical glitch (well, which site doesnt? hahaha). anyway, i did sign up for an account with them (which i am still figuring out why :P)..probably the extension sabahanblog somewhat interested me hahaha (quite shallow arent i? hahaha). maybe i need a blog which caters to my sabahan side...errr wait, which part of me isnt Sabahan? hahaha.

having more than a blog is quite a hassle to say the least. i used to have more than 3 blogs at one time and maintaining each one of them isn't easy. needed those blogs as an outlet to the different sides of me but as time passes, the need to separate myself into different sides became an impractical move. we live in a pretentious and biased world, everybody only see what they want to see and because of this, everybody acts the way how people would want to see them as. i was no exception as well, but having realised the hypocrisy i decided to make a final change (to this blogging arena hahaha). so here i am with the same old me, but better (man, such pride and vanity...oo wait, i'm a Leo, i should have both traits hahaha). seems like i will be exposing myself again in the blogging world soon :p.

crap, it's 11pm...i should be catching up with my Z's now. goodnite peeps :)...

rain..the soul calmer :)

been quite sometime since i last played under the rain..well, not exactly play per se :). it was raining quite heavily this evening at my work area and since i parked further out at the parking lot, i didnt have much of an option to be dry to reach my car.

i started with a fast pace when i realized that it wouldnt make any difference even if i were to run, so i took my time strolling my way to the car under the rain while thinking this has to be one of those stuff i havent been doing for a very long time. when i reached my car, i didnt get in it straight away...i actually sat down on the lot divider and basked in the falling rain. it felt good..real good, in a melancholic way :).

i've always loved the rain, i am one of those who gets weirdly excited when it starts raining. during college days years back, i would be outside the house enjoying the downpour. well, i wasnt alone though, one of my housemate would join me in the 'get-yourself-wet' session and apparently, only the both of us has this weird knack of rain fetish (can it even be called a fetish? hahaha). to make it even worse...i love the sound of thunders and flashes of lightning as well haha, we'll get to that in my future entries (if i remember hehe).

i'm not really sure about what others think of the rain, but personally i think it's one of God's greatest gift to earth and man. i dunno why, but getting soaked under the rain has always been a calming and relaxing remedy to my being. the only way i can explain it is that..it feels like all the things that has been bothering you are washed away in the rain and you're left with this renewed hope of everything will turn out fine. hahaha, i bet none of you can fathom what the hell i'm rambling about here hahaha.

if i were to associate myself with the 4 elements (earth, fire, wind, water), i might probably be torn between wind and water. why? well, one similarity these two elements share is that...it gives out a sense of freedom, the feeling of being able to fly. if the wind symbolizes soaring freedom, then the water symbolizes static drowning. i lost you there didnt i? hehehe. okay, imagine this...imagine the wind passing through you while your arms are wide open and eyes closed (remember titanic hehe), if you just let your imagination soar, you might experience a feeling of flying and if you do open up your eyes and look up to the skies you might be able to grasp what freedom really means.

as for water, just picture yourself submerged underwater (which i think everyone has experienced it). you can either just be still and feel the calmness and tranquil silence or swim around as if you're actually flying :). yeah, come to think of it..thats what i would normally be doing in a swimming pool. but instead of swimming around, i would leave my body submerged and just bask in the silence (although doing that in a public swimming pool is a bit difficult cos you can never escape the sound water splashes hehe). but i think the water happens to be one of my biggest weakness as well...i have this this fear (or phobia??) on colored waters or deep waters. hey, i am good swimmer but that doesnt mean i'm not afraid of these situations (even the deep end pool freaks me out sometimes haha).

newsflash, there's a price to pay for those people who intends on doing rain basking as a hobby. take good care of your own health or you might catch the sniffles...cos i just did huhuhu :P. dang....:)

hmm...didnt think i have much to say about this :).

ciao peeps :)..

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

retrospect...

after weeks of ruminating in life's complexities, i am beginning to see the person i really am and the person i can be or am meant to be. i may well have digressed from whom i thought i was before but the deviation is not too far off though.

Life is complex, and sometimes it shrouds our judgments and decision. the nature of these complexities are visible in our surroundings but its domain resides within us. life is complex because of what we did or are doing, life is complex because we just don't know how to deal with what it presents to us but more importantly, life is complex because we have yet to grasp the meaning of life itself.

but a wise person once said (which i dont quite remember who, and this isn't his exact quote..just the gist of it) 'that to get to know life, you have to know yourself'. what he said has some truth to it. the way we relate to one another is based on who we really are, our own life's experiences, our own desires. an indicator of the person we are lays in what kind of group dynamics we belong to, cos face it...the only reason we do stick with the group or with our friends is because we can relate with them or to be close to something they have that we dont. for example, a person may want to hang out with a doctor cos he's a doctor himself (the rule of relativity and proximity) or a person wants to be with a doctor because thats the closest thing he/she of becoming a doctor :)...get my drift? hehehe.

i myself was a victim to the these complexities, and for sometime...i felt lost, confused and got totally out of touch with myself. in my previous entry i proclaimed i was a loner, in a way i am. but i wasnt a loner to the extent of ignoring everyone else around me (well, maybe i was...hehe), i'm just a guy who prefers his privacy :). but past events has amplified and distorted my own definition of loneliness to the point of thinking that people are nothing more than scumbags (which, some of them are :))

but given enough time, everything then became clear. before any of these confusions arose, i lived my life to the best of my capabilities. although being alone has always been a preference, i knew how to appreciate the people and things around me,..appreciate my own life. i was glad to have those people whom i have been calling friends, i was quite happy (am not really sure whether i do understand the meaning of being happy with friends though :)) with how things are.

then confusion entered without notice, and everything was in chaos causing turbulence from within. i lost sight of the person i am, the person whom everyone was comfortable with. i ignored everyone and everything and stayed in my dark corner of loneliness where no one can touch. i needed to retreat to a place where being weak can be molded into becoming something invincible.

the moment i stepped into the light, i thought everything was fine...instead, it got worse. i became more self absorbed and less tactful of the people around me. the invincibility conditioning was a bit too high and i let it persist for quite a long time, i kinda liked what i had become...an emotionless bastard, oblivious to the fact that i am not alone and can never be alone no matter how much i tried :).

maybe the full moon the past couple of days has affected my brain waves because i began to ponder on the question of individuality..the question of 'who'. i looked back to what i have been doing and to the people i have known, i realized that what i have been doing these couple of months isn't what i would be doing in my rationale state.

i used to be a person whom people would come up to with their problems, someone who would listen without judging, someone whose opinion and judgment matters...that someone whom everyone is comfortable being with as a friend, the tactfully sarcastic wise guy who is always in control :). i wasn't exactly emotionless back then, it's just that i was wise enough to not let my feelings interfere with my perceptions of what is and isn't, just a focus to the black and white but not the grey area :).

i wouldn't have come to this conclusion if it hadnt been for the people who saw me through my episodes of denial, those who showed me that i was needed even if it wasnt said..the wise people who gave me subliminal advices knowing full well of my own stubbornness if they were to give me the advices on face value haha.

i've learned that everything happens for a reason, every mistake made is just another yardstick to self improvement, just ignore the past and look to the future and be very wary of the past if you do want them to be in your future. it's either start off on a new slate or proceed from where you left off, simple as that .

you know what...i am now content with who and where i am now. i am beginning to accept the unfortunate turn of events and i am beginning to enjoy life the way i used to :). So hello world!! the sarcastic bastard is back again and this time it's for real! :).


ciao peeps!! :)

Monday, April 21, 2008

black out!!

Darn it, now i'm pretty sure i wont be able to survive in the city without any electricity..or technology even!! hahaha

yeah, we had a blackout..and i think it was a massive blackout as nearly the whole of Sabah was affected by it (which hopefully is just an exaggeration hehe). anyway, i was damn bored not knowing what to do.

so, in order to pass time while waiting for the electricity to resume, i decided to make the night more bearable...by drinking hahaha. yeah, was going through the stuff at home when i chanced upon the leftover of a bottle of Sheridans hahaha. but i wasnt alone though, i called up my cousin next door to join me for a drink cos at a time like this, it's much better to have a company :).

as i was saying, the black out was really bad this time as it effected nearly most areas in this state. i would expect to read the complaints tomorrow in the dailies from residents and business owners of the losses which has incurred due to the inefficiency of the relevant authority. sad idiots..

hey, i'm one of the consumers okay, and i was also affected by it. but i am also a human being, and a rational one as well. it wouldnt be right to blame the relevant authorities for what has happened, newsflash...shit happens and nothing is perfect! hahaha

the blackout persisted for about approximately three hours and the moment the electricity was back on, i actually gave out a loud sigh of relief hahaha. well, i think thats all for now. need to get a bath, i smell like a dog :). i was playing with him before the mentioned drinking session hehe..

ciao peeps :).

off today..

probably i really do need to get a prescription for my sleeping difficulty. havent been sleeping well lately (ever since that day...or weeks prior to that day). but last night was the worst, i was sleepy and tired from not doing anything but hard as i try, i just couldnt get myself to doze off.

i knew the reason why..i had a lot of things running in my mind, past events kept popping into mind and i was reflecting on what i did wrong, what happened and how can i overcome it. yeah, all these kept me awake..so instead of just lying and turning around in bed i decided to log into the internet, ..until 5 in the morning.

i woke up at around 7 am and contemplated whether i should stay at home or go to work, and after 15 minutes of pondering over the matter i came to a decision to stay at home. texted my boss and told her that i am applying for an Emergency Leave for the day and since i'm not much of a good liar, i told her the exact reason why. well, my leave was approved right away and i stayed in bed for the next few hours...

i dont really like staying at home that much during a weekday, i'd much rather spend my time in the office than staying at home doing nothing at all. at least, there's something for me to do in the office...

anyway, since i will be at home for the whole day today i might as well bring my dog for a walk...yeah thats it, havent been spending much time with him due to my schedule :).

i noticed it was a full moon last night, and the night before when i took a break to have a ciggy out at the verandah. i felt compelled to take a moonlit stroll like i used to do before, but i decided to go against it cos it was already 5am and there are already people preparing to go to work, basically..there would be people around and they might be suspicious of seeing me walking around aimlessly.

anyway, might be loggin off soon and continue my afternoon nap.. :)

ciao peeps..

Sunday, April 20, 2008

the cruise...

well okay, island hopping was cancelled. instead, we went for a river and sea cruise. and guess what, i nearly turned down this opportunity just so i can accommodate my other plans but good thing my judgement got the better of me (see, trusting the instinct is always the way to go hehe) or else i wouldnt have known what i had just missed hehe. but fyi, this is an impromptu activity..i was just absorbed into the planning for no apparent reason hehehe (yeah right :))

anyway, we started off with the river cruise along the mengkabong river (and 2 bottles of Moet Chandon toloosen everyone up :)), had a chance to see the mangroves in the area and even visited one of the local houses there to experience their traditional delicacies (which was only a coconut, 'penjaram' cake, coffee (which i didnt have any cos i'm more of a tea person, maybe its the chinese in me hehe). we stayed at the village for more than an hour before proceeding with the next activity.

let me be more clearer with the activities chronologically. we parted from the dock at 4.30pm and went straight for the river cruise. the river cruise took us about 30minutes where all the time we just cruised along the river while enjoying the natural scenery, the mangroves and dropped our baits for the crab catching activity and headed straight to one of the local houses. by the time we finished our 'village' experience, it was already 6.30pm and the sun had already set (damn it, was really looking forward for the cocktail while watching the sunset hehe). we then went to pickup our baits to see if we caught any crabs in our trap and we did, i managed to catch myself a female river crab and the biggest one compared to the rest muahahaha (well, the rest mostly caught baby crabs and disgusting looking sea cucumber hehe).

since there wasnt much activity to do left as it was already getting dark, we had the captain to head out to open waters for a night view of the city. i couldnt stand sitting in the boat cos i needed to feel the wind blowing on my face (or else i might get sea sick), so i stepped out from the boat and just stood along the narrow walkway on the boat side. when we reached the town it was already half past 7. its actually a new perspective for me to look at the city from across the sea, the lighting were just nice. we stayed there for a few minutes before heading back to where we started from and by the time we got there, it was already 8.45..and by that time...i was already drunk (with the cheapest wine around, the Hardy's) hahaha. didnt even get to go for my ex-colleague's farewell hehe.

well, enjoy the pics i had taken throughout the trip :).
















ciao peeps :)

Saturday, April 19, 2008

decision making (another ramble)...

today was supposed to be a fun-filled day for me. i will be island hopping later this evening and we will be having cocktail at sea while watching the sunsets and at night, i will be at Rumba to celebrate an ex-colleagues farewell (which according to them my attendance is vital to this event, the extent of these people would go to get me out from my comfort zone hehe). but awhile ago, another friend (yeah, aside from kupi there's another person who never gets tired of looking me up no matter how many times they've been turned down haha), Tom, invited me to join them for a function at Magellan today later this evening and i gladly accepted. but after considering my schedule, i figured that i wont be able to make it for the magellan function and i might even be late for my ex-colleagues farewell event.

so decision has to be made, i decided to turn down (once again) Tom's invitation cos i definitely wouldnt be able to make it and informed the other party that my attendance so far is still tentative.

well, life's like that. we never seem to get everything we want in life, we cant have or do two things at once. if we want something, the other thing has to be let go. everyone are free to make their own choices on which one to keep and which to let go, at their own expense...

but most people doesnt really look at what really matters to them, they only settle for the things which is easy and practical for them but not the important ones. and in time, they would regret for having made the decision and wished that things were the other way around.

making decisions are never easy, the external factors plays a major part in decision making instead of internally. people who trusts their guts always seem to end up happier than those who makes their decision according to what they're expected to choose. what's the cause of these difference? well, for starters, those who trusts their instinct can always say 'this is what i want and this is what i chose...' which, if things doesnt work out he has no one else to blame but himself.

then again, sometimes making decisions based on what should be done instead of what needs to be done can create a dilemma. we may want something but decided not to go after it because say...it is against your principle or ethics. but if we think about it closely, if we really do need it that much than there's no harm in fighting for it right?

anyway, i myself have my own regrets of not fighting for the thing/s i need..but that's my fault and no one is to be blamed for that. for now, i'll just settle with what i have now :).

ps: geez, cant i come up with a rambling which makes sense? geez...hehehe

ciao peeps :)..

Cocktails Galore!!

Le Meridien KK recently organised a cocktail making competition held at Rumba and nearly every hotels participated in the event. The competition lasted for about 2 days in which i managed to watch it on it's final night.

Basically, the event was held as a selection round where the winner and first runner up will be representing the state in the Cocktail Making competition which will be held in Frangipani Bar, Changkat at Bukit Bintang, Kuala Lumpur on the 23rd and 24th April 2008.

honestly, the event itself wasnt as what i expected it to be. i was expecting the participants to show off some acrobatic skills with the bottles but sadly only few of them (more like a couple of them) had that bar tending flair, even the enthusiasm level was dissapointing :).

anyway, enough with my comments, here are some pics i took that night :)





and on the side:

from left: Leon D.(Le Meridien Revenue Manager), Nazri N. (Writer/ Journalist), Thelcadora J.(Le Meridien Marketing Communications Executive)
next update might probably on Rumba and their current band! hehe

ciao peeps :).


Friday, April 18, 2008

drunken ramblings...

'after having been a hermit and abstaining from drinking for nearly a month, drinking alone feels somewhat awkward. i'm finally beginning to feelsomewhat bashful of having to drink alone hehe. not a biggie though, probably time is all that's needed in getting used to being alone in a public place :).

the first thing i noticed when entering my usual waterhole is that this place has gotten a bit smaller. with the recently added hoarding, the environment seemed to have changed. then again, the new look didnt dampen my mood to drink though hehe.

i managed to sing a couple of songs with no applause from the crowd (not that i'm expecting any :)), i didnt care how i sang it because i'm singing for my own pleasure (at the expense of other people's suffering hehe). i'm not singing to impress anyone or gain attention, if i wanted to do that i would've joined a reality tv show haha. the hell with what they think, i am my own man and i dont owe the crowd anything hehe.

one good thing about going for a solo night out is that, i'm free to leave anytime i want to without having the guilt to stay for the sake of someone else. and besides, i dont have to strike up any conversation with anyone hehe.

it seems that everyone around me are happybeing surrounded by their peers, and i bet, to them i must've looked weird being all alone at the bar. a thought then crossed my mind...are they really happy or are they just going along with the group dynamics? i wouldnt know unless i asked them, so i decided to not know hehe.

i have yet to understand what amistad really means. but i refuse to think about it at this moment because i know, if i try to think about stuff like these, i tend to think beyond the question itself and confuse myself in the end leaving the question left unanswered hahaha. hey, that's just me, always blowing things out of proportion (in a good way :))

maybe for once i should stop thinking about the consequences of events. but honestly, i cant. my forecast and guesses are usually right on the spot and thats the only defense mechanism have against the harsh reality of life. i tried being spontaneous once, and it happened t0 be one of my biggest mistake ever (and still recovering from it hehe). since then, it has solidified the importance of trusting my own judgments :).

this is cool, i mean being able to jot down my thoughts while being intoxicated haha. then again, all inhibitions are loose when you're high, maybe i should be doing this more often. get drunk and just let the real me be out haha (naaahhhh haha).

i can see the people around me are still having a blast with their friends, but i no longer stand out cos i can see few tables are occupied by lone rangers just as i am hehe. okay..my song is up.. gonna stop for a few minutes hehe..

......................................................................................
.....................
...........

just finished singing my song Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down, and guess what...i was applauded haha. waddya know!! haha.

one of the staff who happens to be an acquaintance informed me that that Sean had just died. okay, this is like the third time people come up to me just to tell me the news. who the hell is Sean!!?? i dont even know the guy! the first person who told me about his death got this reply: 'people die sooner or later, it's just a matter of when and how. dont bother about death cos our turn will come uninformed', sounds a bit cold doesnt it, what did they expect me to answer?!! hahaha.

this was what i wrote when i was drinking at the bar. i stopped cos i was getting too drunk, but instead of going home, i decided to visit another bar for a new perspective and managed to make a fool of myself with someone i just met haha. well, who cares right? haha :))

ciao peeps...

accident prone..

just got in the office with a throbbing hangover..geez, i regret going out drinking last night. anyhow, my solo nite out was kinda good. been nearly a month since i had any alcohol in me :).

anyway, the outing could've ended worse. was practically drunk to the point of not being coherent in my conversations and nearly had an accident. yeah, you read right..i was in a potentially life threathening self imposed accident..good thing i was driving a 4 wheeler instead of my kancil :).

i dont quite remember how it happened but i knew i was driving fast. probably turned the steering wheel too much to the side resulting the vehicle to get on the island and finally made a partial 180 turn on the other lane..cool eh haha.

honestly, i didnt panic the least..i think i was composed enough to be in control of the wheel, or maybe i was too spaced out with what happened my body went into auto mode and handled the situation by itself to minimise or avoid more damage haha.

well, this isn't exactly the first time i've been in this kinda situation. my first accident i had was when i was 17, few days after receiving my driver's license :). we were driving an old convertible (well, i was driving hehe) when suddenly i lost focus driving downhill. i lost control of the wheel and my cousin was thrown out from the car several yards away while i was still stuck in my seat in the overturned car. i remember crawling out from the car feeling a bit asphyxiated, frankly..i couldnt breath at all due to the impact of having slammed my chest on the steering wheel.

i didnt really care about what happened to us, i was more concerned with the condition of the car haha. i saw my cousin sitting on the road looking a bit lost and i think he was trying to catch his breath as well and from the look in his eyes, he seemed very distant as if everything around him doesnt register. remember the overturned car which i crawled out from...well, this might sound weird..i managed to lift the car and put it back on its wheels, and i dont remember how exactly i did it haha.

within 15 minutes, people began to crowd the place. so we left the car there, took the minibus home (the people in the minibus was giving us the look, but who wouldnt...we had visible wounds and blood on us haha). the moment i reached my house, i came up to my mom who was in the kitchen cooking and said 'mom, i was in an accident', let her take a glimpse of how i looked like and went straight to my room.

my cousin on the other hand had more drama with his family. everyone was panicking but he kept his cool, his parents even took him to the hospital for a thorough check up haha. anyway, i was still in pain, there was pain on my chest and ribs and i had a bad headache as well and all these persisted for quite sometime. i didnt come out from my room for several days, didnt even go to a checkup cos i didnt dare to face my parents hehe.

well, i managed to drive home safely though. looking back, most of the accidents i had happened while intoxicated. nothing bad hasnt happened yet, but if this continues, pearly gates(or in my case the hellmuth) would definitely be calling :).

am tired and extremely dizzy..will write more afterwards :)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

reflection of the past..

'Every decision you make - every decision - is not a decision about what to do. It's a decision about Who You Are. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do' - Neale Donald Walsch

was dead bored last night so i decided to browse through all my pictures in my photo albums. started with the baby albums and moved up to the current ones and i was hit with the realization...something had gone wrong somewhere along the line of growing up.

i was a picture of a happy child, nearly all of my baby photos shows a boy with a glowing smile. but i couldnt remember any of those events now, everything seems a blur. if i were to recall my younger years now, i can only come up with from 10-15years ago..before that, i can say i've forgotten.
the smiles continued in all my pictures, throughout my adolescent years..until now. but none of those pictures reflect what i really felt then. i smiled and laughed just for the sake of it, but come to think of it..i dont really understand the reasons why. the pictures i had clearly shows i had quite a number of friends and acquaintances, we seem happy..i seem happy, but was i? i dont quite remember..

when i came to the pictures of my exes and see how comfortable we were, i asked myself..we were happy, but was there any love involved or affections? none of the above, well..the feeling was mutual anyway. the relationships were based on the need to be with someone, the physical proximity and we understood that. when we parted, none of us got hurt.

honestly, i still couldnt grasp the meaning of friendship. forming the bond is easy, but maintaining it seems to be the hard part. i keep asking myself, who am i to them? would it make any difference if i wasnt around? so i came to my own conclusion, friends are nothing more than a pebble you pick up on the streets. we collect them during the course of our journey, and when we do get tired of it or have reached our destination, the pebbles will be thrown away because they have cease to serve their purpose. guess what, we're the pebbles. sad isnt it...

i still couldnt figure out what went wrong. back when i was a kid, i imagined myself doing great things when i grow up. i imagined myself being a happy succesful bugger living all alone with a cat and a dog (note that i didnt consider anyone to be in my pathetic life :)), but everything's a total opposite now (but i do have a dog though :)).

you know what, maybe i should stop living in my own world and be out there mingling with other people. it's high time i get to know the people around me for who they really are. yeah, maybe...

ps: i know i look fat, this was taken a few months back! hehe

ciao :)~



Emotional test..

my daily morning routine in the office is to check my email messages, no..not the corporate email but my own personal ones hehe. i would spend at least an hour pretending to be busy all the while surfing the net looking for information or just..you know, surfing hehe.

at times, i would only be doing my works say after lunch (lunchtime is at 11am and i normally take it on time and finish it in 15 mins, a quick lunch hehe). anyway, got this in my email and i thought it would be nice to share this for a glimpse into my pathetic life. and just so you know, i didnt peep at the answers when doing this :)..enjoy..

Copy, Paste, Don’t look at the bottom before you do the thing or it won’t
work! This is scary but pretty accurate.


1. Which color is better? Red, black,
green, blue or yellow?
- blue

2. What’s your middle initial?
- K

3. What month is your birthday?
- july

4. Which color do you like more, black
or white?
- nothing in particular, but i'd say black

5. Name one of your friends.
- jonathan

6. Your favorite number?
- 7

7. Do you like flying or driving more?
- flying as in levitate? i would choose flying if i knew how to, so might as well settle with driving

8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
- damn it, neither..but if i had to choose i would say..the lake? (geez, just thinking about the colored waters gives me the creeps...)

9. Think of a wish, but don’t write it.


–Answers–

1. If you chose:
Red: You are alert and your life is
full of love.

Black: You are conservative and
aggressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are
laid back.

Blue: You are spontaneous and love
kisses and affection from the ones you
love and give good advice to those who
are down.


Yellow - you are a very happy person..

2. If you’re initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and
friendships in your life.


L-R: You try to enjoy your life to the
maximum & your love life is soon to
blossom.

S-Z: You like to help others and your
future love life looks very good.

3. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for
you and you will discover that you fall
in love with someone totally

April-June: You will have a strong love
relationship that will last forever.

July-Sept: You will have a great year
and will experience a major life-
changing experience for the good.


Oct-Dec: Your love life will be great,
and eventually you will find your soul
mate.

4. If you chose:

Black: Your life will take you on a
different direction, it will seem hard
at times but will be the best thing for
you, and you will be glad for the
change.


White: You will have a friend who
completely confides in you and would do
anything for you, but you may not
realize it.

5. This person is your best friend:

6. If it is:

1-50 you are a very lovable person and
you have a great life.

more than 50 is nothing

7. If you chose:

Flying - You like adventure.

Driving - You are a laid back person.

8. If you chose:

Lake - You are loyal to your friends,
your lover, and yourself. You are very
reserved and not emotional
.

Ocean - You are spontaneous and like to
please people sometimes.

9. This wish will come true only if you
repost this with the title:

Emotional Test. Dont Cheat!

hmmm, accuray percentage??....only 50% haha

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

smile..

a smile is a facade to hide what you really feel inside,
a mask which cloaks the darkness in your soul,
or the intricacies of life's complicated course..

a smile is nothing more than a confusing curve,
throwing off mixed emotions of everything confound,

what is it with smiles which makes people happy,
what is with smiles which makes people melt,
and what is it with smiles that stimulates loath and anger?

remember this,
no matter how tough life may be to us,
the only thing we can afford to make things better is by smiling,
so smile when you're sad,
smile when you're happy,
smile when you're angry and
smile when things doesn't turn out the way you want it to be,
just smile, and let everyone wonder why..for eternity..

geez...

friends and acquaintace...

i've mentioned before that i'm a loner, always have been and would probably always be. i think 1 contributing factor to this is that, i dont trust people that easily. but dont get me wrong, having a trust issue doesnt affect my social capability, i think i can get along well with people (most of the time). in other words, i am superficially friendly hahaha.

i'm not on a quest to gather new friends or acquaintances, i'm fine with how i am right now. besides, i couldn't even tend to the ones i know now, probably my selfishness exceeds the need for human relations hahaha.

well, i've learned the art of self entertainment from an early age..and thanks to that, i dont need anyone to cheer me up when i'm down or be there for me for anything else. i am well equipped for fun...with or without anyone hehe. strange eh...thats me :).

i did a test once to find out how long would a so called friend look me up after ignoring every invitations for a night out or for a gathering. apparently, people would start ignoring after the first month..which is good, at least i've eliminated whom to hang out with. but for those who stayed on, keeping up with the invitations even after knowing what my answer would be..those are the people worth hanging out with (not that i have the time to be hanging out hehe).

sometimes, having to know a lot of people feels like a hindrance. i dunno why, but thats just how i feel. i just dont trust them enough to be closer, to be part of their group. i've seen enough lies and pretense in people to know that they're not to be trusted (that includes me...hey, it takes one to know one right :)).

i never blamed anyone for my lack of friends, if any, i'm the one to be blamed for pushing away any potential good friends. i have long known of my shortcomings, my weaknesses..of how much different i am than anyone else. my perspectives of the things around me differ to those of my peers and it used to be a trouble blending in. but i've learned to ignore them and do my own thing..and has been doing it ever since :). so in a way, no one really knows the real me, just as well cos i dont think anyone can handle the real McCoy (my short term relationships can vouch for that hahaha).

some of the things that you would never see me do:

1. Be flattered (i dont believe in flattery cos i dont flatter other people unless i really mean it)
2. Cry (It took me at least a decade to shed my tears, and i think its gonna take another decade or more to do it again)
3. Be in a fight (i've learned to fight my own battles in reality and metaphorically, so i expect everyone else to be able to as well. would only be in a fight if it involves moi hehe. come to think of it, exchanging blows seems to excite me..the pain itself is a God given stimulant :))

so, my verdict for a potentially good friend who updates you of the happening stuff around(based on my previous blog)is: http://josiekupi.blogspot.com hahaha.

hmmm...i think thats all to it :)

ciao peeps..

Monday, April 14, 2008

dream blab 1

had another weird dream again last night, well...it's more like 3 for the price of 1. i had 3 different dreams continuously in a night.

couldnt exactly remember what the other 2 was about, but i know it's a spooky dream. what i can remember is the 3rd dream which came before and after the other two. confusing isnt it? :)

well, it actually went like this...right before dozing off, i remember hearing the sounds of traditional gongs being played from a distance, the sounds of what you may hear at a traditional wedding. i knew i was entering dreamland cos right before getting to bed i looked at my watch, it was 12.30am and i know there weren't any weddings going on. i ignored what i heard, and as i dozed of, the music became louder until it sounded like i was at the reception itself. since everything was beginning to sound real, i decided to wake up. and i did, only to find myself waking up in a dream..cool eh, a dream within a dream hehe.

i woke up in my own room and on my bed, there were lights and music outside my window and i can see a wedding reception going on. i couldnt remember the rest of the details (i should've typed this out in the morning when it was more clearer), but i do remember a girl in her white wedding gown dancing alone on our yard, she danced and danced until she was actually hovering above ground up reaching up to my window level with only few feet apart. she was beckoning for me to follow her but i refused. all this while i was at my window just looking at what she was doing until the beckoning, i knew this was a dream so i decided to ignore her and started walking to my bed.

just as i was about to reach my bed, she reappeared outside my other window which is close to where i placed my bed. she was with another guy in his wedding tux, well..i remember the guy looking tired as if drained and she looked pretty furious. her eyes were popping out and she had her teeth clenched, i was surprised and that surprise took me to another dream.

now picture how this transition of dreams happen, it feels a lot like being yanked from one place and transported to another. this time i was transported to a house, apparently my family had just bought the house. the moment i stepped into the house, it sent chills to my spine but i didnt care cos the place looked nice..a bit dark but nice. i couldn't really remember much what happened after that, but i do remember someone dying and dissapearing and i do remember our caretaker resembling the woman in her wedding gown i talked about earlier.

i think the next dream i had was having wings and flying around looking for something before coming back to where i was before the transport. this time the woman in the wedding gown was drifting further and further away from my window crying, arms outstretched as if begging for help. she did cry out something before dissappearing but all i can recall upon waking up is the word 'Dangai' or 'Danggai'...

strange isnt it :). anyway, i seem to be dreaming alot nowadays..and most of these dreams involve flying. and guess what, i think i'm getting better at it..i mean the flying hehehe.

ciao peeps...

Amazing HUg!

When it comes to animals, my preference has always been cats (not that i have any problems bonding with other animals hehe) and one of my biggest dream is to be hugged by a lion and other large felines (not to the extent of being eaten by them hehe. would be happy enough if i get to at least touch them :P).

Cats are quite unique, they're practically intelligent solitary animals with an EQ (EQ is equivalent to a human's IQ measurement) higher than a dog's. but strangely enough, every cats that i ever had seem to be very arrogant and not at all affectionate. but there's one cat in particular which i think understands me more than the rest.

I had a cat once by the name Gandas, a spayed stray which wandered over to my place not to look for food but just stay there. there's something in his eyes which doesnt call out for attention, sympathy or TLC and i was somewhat attracted by it. Day by day he would come over and at times go through the food left on the table and mom would be screaming her lungs out haha. in time, i was able to get close to him and finally hold him.

being a teenager, i didnt have much of a life..spent most of my time at home cos i wasnt much of an outgoing person and whenever i do get bored, i would take a long walk alone in the middle of the night (that was before i owned a car) or just sit behind my house and stare into the darkness. but i was never really alone during these solitary moments, Gandas would always find my location and sit right beside me staring straight ahead into the darkness as if imitating what i was doing. and the strange thing is that, he wouldnt budge unless i make a move from that place.

he stayed with us for nearly 3 years, nothing special happened except for the reduction of rodent infestation in the house. unfortunately, he passed away when i was in Sandakan during my practical training...

well anyway, enjoy this clip :)..



ciao :p..

sarcasm to lift up the monday blues :)..

For those who are in the service industry, i bet these would make up your day hehe. enjoy :D.

Happy working peeps...may your Monday suck big time! hehe



ciao :)..

Sunday, April 13, 2008

David Archuleta- The Next Idol

okay, i'm not the kinda guy who goes for all these reality tv shows. but after listening to this Archuleta guy singing, i kinda fell in love with his voice :).

he has a great voice, and browsing through youtube gave me a chance to see him perform aside from his AI stage breaks and everytime i listen to him sing my heart somehow melts (this is not an exaggeration hehe). it's as if his innocence, sincerity and passion flows through in his songs.

i may be impartial when it comes AI cos i dont watch the others perform, only DA makes the show worth watching hahaha. frankly speaking, the rest of the contestants doesnt really attract me. they sing for the sake of singing (i know they're good), but in DA's case, he sings cos he loves doing it and it shows. winning doesnt seem to matter to him (heck, i bet he's still gonna be a singer even if he lost..and a damn popular one at it :)).

the only other male artist which has ever made me feel this way is Michael Buble (still love the dude hehe), but comparing the both of them in terms of whois better wouldnt be fair to either one :p. for me, both of them are similar in many ways but on a different level :). one obvious similarity is that, they sing their hearts out and thats the only thing i look at when listening to other people sings. heck, if Buble were to come down to Malaysia to perform i wouldnt think twice about getting the tickets hehe :p.

yeah, i may sound like an infatuated schoolboy rambling about stuff like these, in a way, i am...to their voice that is hehe. but enough rambling, enjoy this you tube of DA performing :).



ciao peeps :)..

sunday rambling...

yesterday's charity event left me exhausted, and hard as i try to get some rest i couldn't get my eyes to shut. in the end, i spent my time logging on to the internet watching my animes online until way past midnight.

when i woke up this morning, i felt a pain on my left arm..couldnt raise it nor stretch it like i would normally do when i wake up every morning. crap, seems like i've pulled a muscle or two after the tug of war we had yesterday...which means i wont be able to do much exercise again probably for the whole week. then again, i've been getting scratches and bruises and i dont remember where i got them or how i got them...its a small mattter anyway, nothing to fuss about :).

well, for the past weeks (nearly a month) i've been avoiding from consuming anything alcoholic (except for that one time when i had to judge the cocktail/bartender skills) and i've been doing some exercises such as sit-ups and light jogs. Apparently, prior to this i had regained my earlier weight of 87 kg after taking a break from any form of physical exercises for 2 whole months, and after the 3 weeks of exercises and dieting, i'm finally down to 80 kg. my goal is to be 75 kg by end of April hehe. what i really need to do now is to start going to the gym, and i was thinking of doing that after i've reached my weight goal :).

anyway, i planned on sleeping in until the afternoon on this Sunday. but after having used to waking up early every morning, i had to abandon the plan :P. the moment i woke up, i logged into the internet to check my emails and proceeded with my online anime. and then it hit me, i've been relying too much on the internet too pass my time that if one day we decided to cancel this account i would probably go crazy of boredom (well, not exactly..i still have my sketch book and paperbacks to kill time hehe).

i used to rely on the internet (specifically saying my networking sites and blogging platforms) to gather new acquaintances. but dont get me wrong, i wasnt looking for anything in particular. i just wanted to see how many people i befriended shares the same views and beliefs as i do, sadly none haha. i did find other lonely people out there, but their loneliness isnt on the same level as mine. their loneliness are more to desperately seeking for attention cum searching for love whilst my loneliness was...a choice i have chosen for myself, a self induced loneliness hehe.

nowadays, my internet needs are more to checking emails/messages, follow up on the world news, updating my blogs, paying bills and watching animes. other than that, i dont think i have any use for the internet. probably losing interest is just another one of the signs of becoming old hehe (but even if i do get to live to an old age, i dont think i would ever get tired of watching cartoons haha).

honestly speaking, i really have no idea what to do today. you might think that i should go out and spend time with my friends, but you know what...i'm not exactly bored to the point of i need to be with someone just because i'm alone hehe. might probably continue watching my anime after this, take a nap before going to church later this evening and go for a jog after that. hmmm, sounds fun right? welcome to my world hehe.

ciao peeps, may you have a good Sunday today :)

Saturday, April 12, 2008

another charity event...

Today is one of those days where mingling with people brings meaning to my life. we held another charity event especially for the Sabah Society of the Blind and i must say, as tired as i was with it, i had a really good time.
the fact that i was actually helping these people having fun while at the same time having fun myself was a gratification to the max. but ignore the fun part, it's what i learned from them which matters :).
most of us here are born with a complete physique and senses, but about 97% of our time we take granted of what we have. none of us really appreciate the things which has been given to us, we keep complaining about our appearance and keep trying to change how we should look.

what i've learned from these people is that, appearance doesnt really matter. cos what we see isnt exactly what needs to be seen, we may be good looking on the outside but the plain fact is that...beauty is only skin deep, what matters is the person inside.

in this event, we held several games..and it amazed me how these people were capable to participate in these games without being able to see. but one thing that touched me the most is their ability to lead life like any fully able person does. they run, they laugh, they work and they have fun, and throughout my observation i noticed none of them cared much about their handicap. furthermore, their self confidence is something to be saluted, and this is purely visible from the young ones. they weren't shy to come up to people and speak their mind.

i had a chance to chat with one of the kids, i didnt plan to make small talk with them cos i was only interested in observing. well, this 11 year old kid was sitting beside me when he asked about the orang utan at our Nature Reserve. it started out simply like this:

'how many orang utans do you have here?', he asked catching me off guard because only adults would ask me that kinda questions.

'7, but they're all babies...', i replied nonchalantly.

'babies?, where are the adults?'

'we dont keep adult orang utans here, when they come of age they would be sent to Sandakan', at this point, the conversation seemed to interest me. i no longer wanted to speak to him like a kid, i was ready to answer all of his questions in the same manner i would reply to an adult.

'Sandakan? at the Sepilok Orang Utan Rehabilitation Centre?'

'yeah, how did you know of the place?

'it's in the text book. isnt it strange for us to be 97% similar with them, they're the closest thing to us humans than any other animals. why do you think that is?'...okay, this reply surprised me. not everyone knows of this trivial fact, including the adults. most people just doesnt bother to read facts like these anymore...

'well, i'm not too sure about that. God works in mysterious ways', i replied feeling a bit embarassed myself.

after that topic, we had a lengthy conversation but mostly about him because i was interested to know about his lifestyle. Apparently, he's one smart kid, always the first in his class, he leads quite a normal life despite his eyesight. no one really teases him for being blind, and everyone around him is supportive of what he does. in other words, a very normal one indeed.

after the event has ended, i imagined what it would be like if i were to become blind..and i came to a conclusion that it would take me many years to get used to not being able to see (that is if i dont commit suicide first hahaha). then again, come to think of it...in a way, i am blind. my ignorance has blinded me to see what needs to be seen around me. i only see what i want to see, not what needs to be seen. but i hope, in time..i would wake up with my eyes wide open and see this world in its entirety and complexities. and when that time comes, be rest assured my sarcasm would definitely be right on the spot so be prepared hahaha...for the time being, i'll remain blind for my own good :)..
enjoy my pics muahahaha :D


ps: i look kinda old for my age dont i? hehe..
ciao peeps..