my life in a while...

When i first started blogging, it was meant to be an outlet to express my cluttered thoughts. Only the Man above knows what sort of craps go through my mind at every single moment for the past many years and having an overactive imagination didn't help the least in lessening it :).

It's quite difficult to elaborate more on what i mean by 'clutters' and 'craps'. I was, I am and have always been on a quest to better understand myself and everything around me (yeah, I am and have always been a confused lad :P). And this quest has led me to read more and observe the people around me which brought more questions than answers. Just like mathematics, even if we can calculate the equations in our head, we still need to jot it down on a piece of paper for record or visual to better assess the accuracy of such calculations, and in my case, i had to put my thoughts into words to justify the meanings of my perceptions.

What i didn't expect was, a few people took a liking to what i wrote...especially the entries which involves my personal views about stuffs and my personal life (i believe everyone needs to read something like this once in while as a comparison to their own life and help them realize their own advantages and vice versa or they're just plain nosy :p).

But as of lately, i couldn't bring myself to write as much as i used to. There are a lot i'd like to blog about and share with my readers, many things has happened ever since the start of new year, but the problem is, soon after i start an entry, i would stop halfway (and sometimes after only a few sentences) and leave it hanging just like that. it's like, my insipration has a very low mortality gauge hahaha.

So what exactly has been going on with my life lately? i've been swamped with work to the point of not being able to hang out with friends, i've been an ass to my colleagues who thinks that i am an enquiry counter and a miracle worker, i'm more in control of my life without being distracted by any unnecessary things, my average drinking session is only once a week, i'm losing weight dramatically in just a matter of weeks and one major thing which keeps me sane despite all the stress and confusion i have to go through is...i count my blessings :).

Now, these are more or less what has been going on with my life. i could elaborate more on it but i dont think anyone would like to read a long entry on what i have been doing hahahaha...

ciao peeps...till next time.

ps: will try to blog more often once my inspiratin gauge has been rectified :)...

of Sol and Luna, the real me?..

tonight shall be another full moon, well..not exactly a full moon but 96% full. did you know that more babies are born during full moon, some believe more accidents would happen at this time around and some people associate the full moon to erratic behaviours. yeah...nice.

I remember growing up loving the Sun more than the Moon. i loved feeling being embraced by the life giving heat and ray of the sun, the bright surrounding everywhere i look. it made me felt safe, alive and most of all..i can play around with a clear view of everything. i didn't really love the night time, but i've always been impressed with the night sky, especially during a full moon and i could spend hours just looking at the diamonds in the sky (which is only visible when there were blackouts or if i was in my dad's hometown in Ranau). In a way, i grew up loving the celestials, but i wasn't the only one. my cousin and i would sometimes stay up late at night and talk about personal stuff, religion, philosophy, astronomy, future, possibilites and most of all...the subject of the forbidden art or magic haha. but we'll get into that some other time..

i started loving the silvery full moon after realizing i was a depressed self centred lonely bastard..if the sun was my source of life and courage, than the moon is my source of energy and wisdom..that's how i look into these two aspects of my intrapersonal being. but in time..i seem to drift away further from the sun and started spending most of my time basking in the silver ray.

taking a walk in the middle of the night became a nightly routine, the long lonely walk was a breath of fresh air and everything seems to be still at night. there were less people walking around, less noise and less disturbance..exactly how i loved it :). i didn't care about the dangers, i felt overtly invincible and nothing and no one can harm me. i continued doing it without coming to any harm :). during these long walks did i realize that human sucks..being human sucks, and getting rid of yourself from any emotional bind was just the way to go..and i was right. i led a stress free selfish life from then onwards but not without a price. i couldn't control my anger and i would be pissed off at any little things..

yeah..i was invincible in every possible way, but one thing i failed to see was the consequences if i were to let down the invincibilty shield and be downright human..suffice to say, it sucked big time!! well, that was the past, this time..i've learned from it and solidified the invincibility twice the strength hahaha...

anyways, am not sure why i'm doing this entry...probably this is my way of telling 'i am still human irregardless of my bastardly ways?!!' haha. well, the hell with it...i have my mood swings, come to think of it i may be a manic depressive, who knows hahaha.

in your face peeps :)...gomenasai, just felt like letting off some steam :)

star-less stroll and ramblings...

as of my last post, i got extremely bored at home so i decided to go out and entertain myself. i didnt plan on going out alone earlier and i wanted to invite a friend to spend my time with, but after giving it some thought i dont think i'm ready to be out hanging out with anyone just yet.

so there i was driving alone at approximately 10pm down to my usual waterhole only to find it crowded, on a weekday!! i was in the mood to spend sometime having fun by myself so i had to move to another place where i dont think it would be crowded, someplace i can be anonymous. i did find the place and made myself comfortable with a mug of stout, but after a while i didnt feel like spending more time in that place cos i felt like an outsider so i finished my stout and left.

well, i was still in the mood to drink..so i drove around thinking where else can i find cheap booze while maintaining my anonymity until i came to a place which is close by to where i live. the place looked like it had a bar and karaoke cos their headline said 'CAfe & Lounge' but if i knew they meant it literally i wouldnt have stopped by hahaha. so i moved out from that place and came to another place nearby. i was practically at the staircase when i heard a bunch of unruly women speaking out loud. suffice to say i was turned off by such unlady like behaviour hahaha...

probably tonight wasnt meant for me to be drinking, so i decided to head home straight instead hahaha. and by the time i reached my house, i can feel the stout doing it's mojo on me...yeah, i was becoming slightly tipsy (strange isnt it...probably after having been inactive in the drinking arena, my ability to hold my liquor is somewhat diminishing hehe).

anyway, as i propped down on the sofa watching tv, my mind started wandering off by it's own. i began to reminisce of the past and trying to foresee the future. i realized that i'm letting my past into my present which in turn would affect the future and i needed to do something before i fall into the same situation again (being away from everyone..).

but dont get me wrong, letting the past into the present isnt exactly a bad thing at all. sometimes we can learn a lot from it. but to gain from the past, we must have a clear understanding of the present and the only way to do so is to get over previous events in order for clear judgment to take control. thats where my problem lies, i have yet to get over the past :).

anyhow, things has been looking up to me partly because of my ignorance. and being ignorant is the only thing i think i'm good at after years of conditioning myself to loneliness.

oh crap...with these mood swings, one might think i'm manic depressive (maybe i am...shoud get myself checked out sometime) hahaha. i really gotta stop all these nonsense muahahahaha. will post again someday when i do feel like it okie...

buenas noches y grato suenos le tu :)