the world's annoyances...

life doesn't normally turn out exactly the way we want it to be, the best thing that we can do is to work as close to what we have in mind and be settled with it. in other words, we live our lives to the fullest and enjoy every moment that is presented to us.

but enjoying life doesn't give us the privilege to do anything we want, it's a chance for us to realize our dreams and capabilities to a certain extent...an extent which doesn't involve the suffering of other people or animals.

nowadays, we are bombarded by news of war, violence, abuse, psychopathic behaviors, natural disasters, stupidity and lots more and these news grace the front page of every major dailies to the point of overwhelming the positive aspects of human nature. call it a media's way of sensationalizing the angles for maximum profit, but what if the only reason these happenings are reported more was only because we have less of the positive human attributes to tell?

i once told a friend that if i had the power to change the world, i would probably wipe out all humans on earth and make a fresh start just like what happened in the biblical deluge (not trying to be God-like, but just a habit. if things doesn't work, start all over again). but that wouldn't change a thing because knowing us humans, over time we would repeat the same mistakes again...it's all in our primitive nature to fight, kill and be stupid and heartless to the extreme.

us humans are unique, i think we are the only species in the entire universe which has the capability to make a change for the better. we are equipped with emotions, rationality, intelligence, determination and lots more and endowed with superb physical attributes in terms of strength and healing abilities...heck, even the handicapped possesses other special attributes to compensate what they lack. the best part is, we are still evolving and we have yet to uncover our maximum potential as a human being.

but sadly, we are too engrossed with our own superiority that we fail to see that the others are just like us. we use race, religion, skin color and other differences as an excuse to justify our actions. we treat the weak ones as our punching bag to prove that we are better than them just to feed our ego.

it's frustrating to see that we still haven't reach the commonality to understand each other and work together for a better world and to protect those who are weaker than us. my only wish right now is to eliminate the people with a heartless disposition regardless of whether they're portrayed as a loving father, mother, son or daughter.

what prompted this entry? well read this news. may the perps suffer an agonizing death...

seriously, the current world events are truly sucking the optimism and life out of me. i wish i was in a world where nature and modernization goes hand in hand, humans understand the importance of life, the air is fresh, communications is only via telepathy and the night sky is lit up by the splendorous shining of two moons. now that's my dream world.

yeah, the keyword here is dream...

image credit to Scenic Reflections

maybe the end of days is near and everyone's going to hell...just saying. ciao.

the downside...

okay, as per my previous posting i am now happily living the independent bachelor life. it's nice to come home where the cushions aren't strewn all over the floor, no glasses or plates left lying on the coffee table, the kitchen still in its neat condition and no irritating or annoying voices to spoil the evening mood. life is good, but just like any other norms all good stuff comes with a downside...and in my case, no one is here to pamper me with services fit for a king hahaha.

back in my old pad, my housemates who were also my colleagues treated me with care simply because of my rank. i dont mind being treated as their superior, but it does feel awkward most of the time.

maybe some of you don't quite get what i mean by that. okay, put it this way...whenever i feel like having something to eat, i just need to blurt out something which could indicate my hunger and the housemates would be quick on their feet to prepare a meal irregardless of what the time is...and most of the time, instead of preparing a simple meal or snacks, i would be presented with something like a big portion of 'nasi goreng pattaya', or fried eggs served with tomato sauce or onion rings served with chicken nuggets.

i'm not complaining, it's nice to be treated like a king (hahaha) without being asked. it's just that, it feels kinda weird to be treated as such by your own housemates who are technically strangers to begin with haha. yeah, but like i was saying, when i made up my mind to stay alone, i knew i would lose the privilege of getting the good services. but at times like these, i wish only they were around so that i could fill up my rumbling tummy! hahaha.

then again, the flat i'm staying in now isn't exactly fully furnished. there are three more items which i need before making it a home sweet home... and they are:

a) a fridge

b) a stove

c) and a washing machine

so even if i had invited my ex-housemates to spend the night with me, i doubt that they'll be able to come up with something to ease my hunger pangs hahaha. and if they were here, i probably would need to drive us to McDonalds which is just approximately 500 meters from my place or one of the nearby coffee shops haha. what can i say...i have me lazy bones hahaha.

hmmm...anyhow, might as well sleep my hunger away. goodnite peeps and ciao :)

a ramble of an update...

sooo...it's been more than a month since starting my term here at putrajaya. despite what everyone says about how dead this place is or how boring this place may be, i think i like it here alot hahaha. frankly, there's nothing much for me to complain about living here.

come tomorrow, saturday 30th october 2010, i will be moving into my own pad (which my big sis is anxious to help me do the touching ups haha) about 15minutes away from my workplace. it's nothing fancy, just a modest place for a single guy to live in. and since i just bought myself a new ride (my white rider! haha), everything seems to be going the way how it should be. i mean, i am excited to finally have my own place after living with a bunch of untidy guys who couldn't even keep the place neat for a minute!!

unfortunately, my mom doesn't really approve of me living alone (owh crap, i'm a momma's boy haha). her only worry is that i would be left vulnerable should anything happen to me. i don't blame her though, she's a mom..my mom after all :). and it doesnt help when i keep things to myself even when i do get sick :).

okay yeah, i do miss my mom, dad and my dog poco back home (as for my sisters...you guys are old enough not to be missed haha), and i do miss hanging out with good friends and having a blast with them. but i'm not regretting the least of choosing to expand my experience elsewhere :p.

i've been asked on several occasions on when am i coming back home, and truthfully, i have no answer to that. one thing about working in the hotel industry is that, our working schedule tend to change at the last minute...but i have every intention of returning home sometime in December, but till then i'll just enjoy my life here until that time comes haha.

owh, before i forget. a few weeks ago i was head hunted by an employment agency to work with a leading oil and gas company to lead the communications department somehwere here in west malaysia. they were looking for:

a) a guy
b) with experience working in the hotel line
c) preferably in the communications field
d) good looking

okay i made up d) hahaha. i never applied for the job and i was flattered to have been offered the position. i dare say that it won't be easy for them to look for a guy with the above criterias (i would know, been in the field long enough to know the market haha). but i had to turn down the offer since (as usual) i just started working in a new place and i love working with the current brand. but who knows, if i do get bored one day, the head hunter has given me his calling card to look for him should i ever 'decide' to try out greener pastures :).

there are a bunch of other things i'd like to write, but the moment i start putting my mind into words...everything that wants to be said suddenly goes blank hahaha. figures, maybe it wasn't as important as i thought it was :).

till then, ciao haha

picture taken is picture perfect?

i'm not much of a picture person, i mean..i try to avoid having my pictures taken most of the time, unless i'm intoxicated or i was in one of those 'i don't give a sh**' moment hahaha.

before, i never really understood the beauty of picture taking. i used to think that those who likes to take pictures are just vain to the core or too much of a show off (which i still think some are :p) and this mind set side-tracked my understanding of what picture taking is all about.

Having reached the big 3-0, a lot of things are suddenly revealing themselves, a certain level of comprehension unattainable due to the long practiced ignorance are finally surfacing and in retrospect, i do quite regret i haven't been much of a 'cam gigolo' to record my life events.

i don't see any harm of having our picture taken, but there's a limit to how much a person should be parading themselves in front of a camera. unless you're a good looking model with something to promote, try to minimize having your alone-self-shot-pose taken...but, there is an exception to it though.

When i browse through pictures, it's not the individuals' self-posing images which would attract me, instead, the surrounding or rather the story of what the picture is about. most of the time, there will be a focused subject which appears in the images and it's understandable if some (or nearly) all of it have that person's self shot taken because it's part of their life story like for example, a self-posed image of a person during his/her holiday or during a wedding. but if it's a random shot of doing nothing aside from vanity, it irritates me. ok, maybe one, two or even three of such image may be acceptable, but more than 10 or 20 is just just plain dumb (unless you're modelling for something)! hahaha.

I dont know, to me, a camera is a tool to capture the beauty and ugliness of life and of this world. 'A picture paints a thousand words' is more than just a corny line, it's as literal as it is because it plays with our imagination like how a novel would. it's like looking at a picture of a person standing beside a lake, we appreciate the surrounding beauty in the picture, the quality of the picture and in the end it makes us wonder if the person in the picture actually took a dip in the water, or why didn't that person do it or what was the person's thought at that moment or of the place or what else is there to be shared or why was he/she there in the first place and with whom... and so on and so forth.

like i said, a picture plays with our mind and imagination mainly because we see what is shown even when we're not there. we try to indulge ourselves in a picture because we are curious to know of what the real experience would be like if we were in it. unfortunately sometimes what the picture represents doesn't tally with what is it about and that's when we start to wonder and let our mind work its imagination. whichever way it is, a picture makes us think..a lot haha.

Geez, i may well be hated by the united vain people of the world or even the universe for writing about this, but it's just an opinion and i am well entitled to an opinion of my own hahahaha.

maybe i just need to chill eh? :)

a reminder...

"the morning sky is depressingly dark...but i like, it has a sense of tranquility amidst the chaos :)...", reads my facebook status message this morning. literally, it means exactly what was written. but its significance lies within the obvious.

for two days, i managed to confuse my fragile mind with unnecessary or irrelevant thoughts, ideas, assumptions, theories etc etc to the point of being deprived of a restful slumber. none of it was important, but things keep popping up in my head one thing after the other.

but as i was sitting at my desk looking through the window right across me, i could see the leaves rustling due to the strong wind and suddenly heavy rain started pouring down. in that instant, i realized that things aren't as bad and if they aren't as bad then definitely it couldn't get any worse :).

i'm not saying i've been on a string of bad lucks, no..nothing of that sort. it's just that there are times when we take granted of the things around us or moments when we successfully convinced ourselves the good things we have now should be better than how it is, that we failed to appreciate the little things in life. put it simply, i have a good life (to say the least) and everything seems to be in order...but deep down inside, i've always wanted more than what i'm having now. it may be greed or it may be a desire to be better which brought this kind of thinking, but whichever it is, as long as i'm doing it right than there's nothing to complain about..right? :).

i know i've said this before, but regardless of the repetitions, everyone seems to forget. so here i am again reminding everyone including myself to appreciate the little things because if the best things in life are free than the simple ones should be less complicated :).

happiness is a state of mind - FACT!!...hahaha

i couldn't exactly recall when was the last time i went for a drinking marathon, been too occupied with work this past few months which limited my alcohol consumption to once or twice every one or two weeks. which is good though, it actually helped alot in regards to my weight loss haha.

but for the past couple of days, i've been on a drinking spree with family and friends due to the long public holiday we are having and after all those booze and relaxation, it feels like i've been on a holiday for one whole month and i can't wait to get back to work because honestly speaking...i'm getting bored of not doing anything solid and being away from my desk feels like i'm missing out in something hahaha.

the long holiday was good, i mean i had a chance to reconnect with old friends and got to meet up with new acquaintances. i am so relaxed that, metaphorically speaking, my brain has been resetted and ready to accept new inputs and new ideas for improvement is pouring in like an unblocked dam flooding all those doubts and negativities into the dark abyss hahaha.

anyhow, just wanna share with you peeps how happy i am with my life right now. one of my cousins asked me 'aren't you tired of being single?' and my response was 'i am happy with where i am now, so no..i'm not'. which is true, i mean, everything is falling into place, i am heading towards my self contentment that i don't need any insignificant distractions to steer me away from my focus or drown me in insecurities, doubts or any of those menial emotional factors. yeah, i do miss having someone to be with me to share my good and bad times but...who needs a relationship when i can do that with my few good friends and family, right? hehe

okay...enough ramblings for now. gonna get ready for another drinking binge (yeah i know it's late but hey...there are places which opens until late haha). ciao peeps :)

ps: had a drunken discussion in one of our drinking session and one of the topics we touched on was on science. we had a debate on 'gyroscopic inertia' and i couldn't get it out off my head until today (partly because i have a thing with rotating objects hehe). damn it, i'm so curious to learn more that i've begun to read more on it and the worst part is...i'm was not even a science stream student! damn you physics!! hahaha. read up on it guys...quite an interesting concept :).

saturday blast...

the recent saturday was a blast for me, after being a hermit for the past couple of months i finally took the time off to enjoy myself. but bear in mind, if it wasn't for the invitation from the woman that made it happen (yeah shan, am talking about you muahaha), i wouldn't have even bothered going if it was something else...it's more like moral support to a friend in need (which would still be one helluva event regardless of my attendance haha).

what did i plan on doing if i wasn't at the party?..hmm, lemme see...probably nothing :). i was still a bit fatigued (not exactly hungover) from the session we had the night before, so i thought of getting an early headstart in slumberland. but since i've committed myself to attending this event, it would reflect badly on me if i were to cancel it at the last minute without any concrete excuse :).

when the time came, i hopped into my car and drove directly to Shangri-La's Tanjung Aru Resort's fun pub, the Blue Note, where the cocktail party for the official launching of LifeandStyle.com.my webzine (by invites only) took place (and i was approximately 30minutes late haha). it started a bit slow for me that night, i mean, i was still contemplating whether to mingle around or just be an observer but in the end..i decided to mingle and i think i've achieved my mingling quota which would cover the first and second quarter of the year hahaha. then again, the mingling around was only to serve my own selfish need, it's part of my job in the communications field to maintain rapports and relationships especially with the media people :). the moving around soon bore me, but good thing a fellow gidiot was around, which proved to be the other set of adventure i needed in one single night!

we didn't stay long for the event, two hours surrounded by strangers in a deafening and dim lighted environment is more than what i can handle :). i decided to join fellow gidiot Mel at the 'Hog Rally' which was held at the same venue but different location and that was my hiatus of the night hahaha.

i'm not much of a biker, but there's something about big bikes that can really turn on a guy (or maybe i'm just the only weird one who sees it that way hahaha) -in a non-sexual way :p. anyhow, i wasn't there for the bikes, instead i was there to be surrounded by familiar faces and of course....the free booze (what can i say, i'm a guy and a cheapskate. besides, the best things in life are free hahaha).

all in all, i would say the night turned out to be rather unexpected. i didn't expect to be entertained, i didn't expect to be having fun and i didn't expect how much i've missed out on life's little pleasures of hanging out with friends :). i really do need to get a life, well..not really. i just need to make time for life hehehe..

ps: pictures will posted soon enough...once i get my hands on them hehehe. ciao....

the interim...

life is a waiting game where everything which passess by us are chances of what we have been hoping for, chances which rarely reveal themselves.

the waiting game would proceed indefinitely, or until we decide to stop waiting and just grab whatever is presented to us. just like a fine wine which gets better as it ages, so does the waiting. the sweet sense of achievement and satisfaction when the time comes would be reminder of the things worth waiting for.

sometimes, too much waiting may well be the bane of everyman. when patience runs out and haste sets in, things would fall out of place and chaos might ensue but instead of redeeming the worthwhile anticipation, a burden of regret would be in existent.

then again, what do i know...i'm just a guy with a whole lot of excess baggage in his head :)...

goodnight peeps...

...is loving LIFE...:)

i know i've been quite for a while now and it's not because i've gone for a sabbatical..again haha, but everything has been great (more or less hehe) and i just don't know where to begin :).

for starters, moving back into the bachelor's pad with my cousin has been the best change so far. i love being independent (always has :P), i love coming home to a place where no one would tell me what to do and i love sitting in front of 'my' newly bought TV being immersed with tons of new and old downloaded movies from the net :). and the fact that i've been spending most of my money on kitchen supplies instead of booze makes me feel somewhat like a responsible person...and i love it hahaha.

but that's one thing about living in an all guys pad...they can be very messy (i'm quite a neat person) and it's like college all over again! hahaha. strangely enough, i don't mind doing the cleaning up. it actually lifts the boredom when you're not doing anything at all :).

as i was saying...life, so far, since the start of the new year has been great to me. i've learned to ignore all the petty troublesome stuff, avoiding any unnecessary conflicts and having fun without using much or any money at all and i've been looking at all the little good things instead of the big good and bad things...and one great thing about having this change of mentality is that, i seem to be having fun with or without company (although it is nice to have someone to laugh and chat with once in a while hehe) :).

this may sound a bit crazy (well, what can i say,..i am a bit off myself hahaha)...but sometimes when i'm walking alone and pass by any strangers, i would just smile like an idiotic flirt and it's so gratifying to be smiled back at in return :). why? honestly i dont know, it wasn't flirting that's for sure...probably because i see kindness in every smile :)...yeah i know, it's a bit naive for me to see it that way hehehe.

i'm trying to make a difference, in my own life and everyone around me. i know i couldn't change other people or make others do what i want, but if there's a slight chance that my existence could have an impact on their life, hopefully for the better, then i don't mind being where i am now or do what i do.

here's another naive revelation....i'm starting to believe that everyone is somehow rather connected with the people around them including the strangers. it's like there's a fine unseen thread which ties all of us together and when someone falls, we could feel the repercussion from the tug of the thread and the thread would only be visible when everyone are innocently at ease with each other, we can tell this through the shared laughter, smiles, respect..ets etc hahaha. be reminded, when this tie is severed, the end of the thread would connect to the next best person and it'll continue until it has found its former host :)...

i love living, i love my life and honestly...despite all the negative sides i possess, my positive attributes outweighs the stuff which may make me look bad and for that....i don't think i wanna trade the me now with someone else :).

ps: all i can think of right now is...so much stuff to do but so little annual leaves left hahaha...damn it...need to start planning for the right timing again hehehe...

ramblings of a tired and happy dude :)...

All these while i thought i was different, all these while i thought i was special and all these while i thought the stuff that are in my head only happens to me and no one else...the questions of life, the what and why and a whole lot more are the stuff which has been playing in my mind for as long as i can remember. well, suffice to say, i couldn't me more wrong.

apparently, we human share this commonality of trying to understand or grasp the meaning behind everything around us. the questions, simple it may seem are just few of the many difficult concept we have yet to comprehend. so, if it's that difficult, then why bother at all in getting the right answers?

well, everyone of us has this innate curiosity to know how everything works. knowing how things work gives us the insight to foretell the next course of action to take. but somethings are just not meant to be understood because it's there as part of our growth experiences and even if we try hard to get the best possible answer, who is to say that the answer is right or wrong? basically, it all comes down to us, knowing our true self and the ethics of doing the right things.

i've always been glad thinking i was different from my peers or anyone else, but as i mature, i realize that i was different because that's what i want to be and try hard as i might..i am no different than the rest of the population. so i looked back, searched within myself and asked 'what is it that i really want to do?'. the answer didn't take long to appear, all i want to do is to make a difference and hopefully bring a smile on everyone's faces..just that alone would actually bring meaning to my own not so pathetic life :)...the only set back is, i don't really know how to go about it and i want to do it on my own free time haha.

i'm not really sure if i had ever touched anyone's life throughout my own life's journey, but i can dare say that..i have been touched by nearly everyone i've gotten to know like my friends, family, strangers, those who used to be friends (haha)..yeah practically everyone i've come in contact with. they've taught me things to appreciate and the things to avoid, they've shown me the world from their own perspective and even though i am not part of their world, i can always use my power of imagination or reasoning to see things as they really are and apply it to my own perspective.

man..i'm rambling again, i just can't help it. sitting alone while having dinner at the nearby stalls right after the frisbee game gave me a chance to see the people around me; their smiles and laughters, the bonds and ties, their happiness and sadness, their clarity and confusion, emanates from within them like a silent beacon wanting to get noticed even if by strangers. but the most obvious thing that really stood out..was their appreciation for life itself. despite the challenges every human beings faces, it obviously shows that life is the only thing which keeps them going even when everything gets rough....and you know what..
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
SHIT HAPPENS! just learn from it hehehe

ps: okay...am now thinking of having beer while having durian hahaha. wonder how that would fare? :P

Remember

Death, a word and an event which either strikes fear in our hearts of not knowing what it really means or tranquility of anticipating the afterlife with open arms. Should death be feared? should death be condemn for the lost of loved ones?...

it's a cycle of life, a karmic retribution. when one person dies, another is born and death is certainly inevitable. it is neither black, white nor grey..it is neither good or evil yet to some, it strikes fear and hatred instead of looking at it as an end to all the pain and suffering,

hate them not, for they are here to ease the transition to the chosen planes...be happy to know that death is with them throughout their ethereal journey..


Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:Only remember me; you understandIt will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

by Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)

may His Soul Rest in Peace...

monday ramblings..blues out in the open..

Few days ago, i had a long chat with a good friend of mine. We haven't known each other long and have only met up for a few times. But the first time we met, we somehow connected on an intellectual level and since then, he somehow became the big bro i never had..

i was somewhat drunk and in need of someone to chat with. I couldn't think of anyone available who would be willing to entertain me during my time of need (and intoxicated hehe) so i decided to text him after not being in contact for several months. Initially, i wanted to rant about my own problems..i needed consultation but the moment he called up i realized that i was being self centred by wanting to talk about my stuff when he has a major crisis he has to deal with on his own. well, good thing i realized it soon..so instead of being too self absorbed about my problems we talked about his, but then again..his problem isn't exactly a problem but more like a dillemma.

let me make it simple and somewhat vague, one thing that needs to be known is that..they are not in what you may call a normal relationship. they have been a couple and lovers for the past 11 years and a relationship that long shouldn't be looked at lightly. but what's bothering him right now is that, his life long partner is now bedridden and he wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but to stay by his partner's side until the last moment. but due to work commitments and all, he's not able to be here and right now..all he can do is wait for that much dreaded call. frankly speaking, i can somewhat picture how both of them are feeling right now..

and another thing that bugs him the most is the fact that they can't declare their relationship to anyone including their families due to both sides families conservative beliefs and traditions and having to deny their relationship whenever they were asked how are they related hurts very much. this in a sense i can perfectly understand..being denied or denying the fact of the relationship can be very hurtful, but i'm not going into that any further.

so the next day, last Saturday evening, i decided to pay his partner a visit. but i couldn't bring myself to see him..besides, i dont think that person remembers me, we've only met like once or twice before and i didn't do anything worth remembering. i managed to drop by the nurse's desk, and peek at how that person was doing.

well..we did talk about the stuff which has been bothering me..and he did give out good advices. the advices which got stuck in mind was 'if you don't feel appreciated or if that person couldnt even express what needs to be expressed, then you should just get yourself out of the relationship and forget about the person. because when two person are in love, expressing what they truly feel shouldn't be much of a problem no matter how difficult the situation is...'. he has a point and i knew i should've done what he told me to. and after all the talking and advices, he finally said 'you're not gonna take into account what i've just told you, are you?' and i laughed out loud and said 'no..but that all depends..' haha and i knew what i should do then :).

i've been feeling quite mellow or calm for the past few days, been thinking alot about the prospect of being in love and i realized that if being in love entails all these hurt, pain and heartaches, why would anyone even bother of immersing themselves into one? then again, i've made my choice and i've decided to face any obstacles which may arise throughout the course and hopefully in time, everything will get better...

one thing i've learned is, no matter how big or difficult your problem is, there's always someone who has an even bigger stuff to deal with which would make your own problems minute in comparison. so dont fret, just deal with it the best you can..

anyway, didn't get anough sleep last night...i was tossing and turning in my bed and i think i dreamt of seeing what everyone was doing..and honestly, i didnt like what i saw. then again, it's not my place to complain and i have no rights to as well...

geez...this sucks. the attack of monday blues? muahahahaha...ciao peeps :)

Decisions and Confusions...

Decision making is another facet of life which we constantly have to go through in the course of our living years. And for some, a simple yes or no to every decision making point is not as easy as it seems.

over the years, we have encountered numerous events and situations which requires careful considerations for better outcome of what is decided. in some aspect, coming to a decision and getting on with it can be relatively easy and in certain areas, even after deciding what needs or should be done for the best can leave an impact on an individual...and in time, irregardless of whether we made the right choice or not, we are still left with that empty feeling of having made the wrong choice and in that instant, we realize that..it would be better to stick with the wrong decision then having to regret it in the future.

the questions then remains, if a right decision has been made only to feel lost and empty, how do we know how to make a right decision? can a right decision be the wrong one? what are we supposed to base our decisions on? gut feelings, instinct or past experiences?

these crossroads can truly be a dilemma. if a right decision can feel so wrong and the wrong ones can feel so right, isn't it safe to say that there aren't any right or wrong decisions in life? what matters is how we feel in the end, we know we've made a grave decision when we feel like crap after making it.

but if we look deeply into ourselves and ask what is it do we really want, the answer can be right under our nose. if you think that you can't let go of the one thing which brings meaning to your life cos if one day, that one thing precious were to disappear and you can't bear the fact of living without it's presence, it is apparent what your choice would or should be like.

but then most of us still fear making a decision, we fear of not knowing what would happen if we did make that move, we fear that everything would change once we have finally decided on what should be done, and we fear of the repercussions..

well, life's like that...it sucks, but in time someone or something will come to your life and show you the other side of what you can only dream of and bring meaning to your seemingly dark and meaningless journey of life. the myriad of emotions such as happiness, anger, love, hatred, etc all blends in to form an alternate confusing world of euphoria and confusion. but hey, look at the bright side...at least you have experienced it while others are still searching and yearning to feel what you're feeling. so for the time being, cherish the moments while it lasts..and whatever decision you have come to, be reminded that there would be obstacles along the way and going through and overcoming the obstacles are part of what makes the decision more worthwhile.

hmmm...another senseless ranting on a Sunday afternoon...you have a good day now okay :)..

hasta luego...

another retrospection...:)

there will be a time in our life when we look back and reflect at our life's journey, pondering on our achievements and the things we are still chasing for, and in that short period of contemplation we realize that we haven't exactly achieved or attained much of what we have been dreaming of.

Everybody dreams of becoming somebody prominent or just plain wealthy, or finding that one person whom we have been waiting for all these while. but when the chance to actually materialize these dreams, some of us might get cold feet...afraid of the repurcussions which may occur or getting out from the comfort zone is just too much of a hassle.

then again past experiences has a part in shaping our future by altering our perception of the things around us and changing our mindset to be more wary of our and everyone's next move. this in turn may either make or break us, depending on how we deal with the situations.

the question now is...how or what exactly are we supposed to do in achieving or attaining what we've been waiting or dreaming of? simple, take a chance...there is a 50-50 chance of we either crash and burn or be prosper and happy. but one piece of advice, never let your guard down. if you have built a protective wall around yourself, don't take it down for temporary happiness because once it's down, you're vulnerable to any sudden attacks. and also, look deeply into yourself and get acquainted with the real you, who knows..they might have an insight of what is and isn't to every situation..

geez...pardon this latest entry, just had a short argument with one of my directors. hey, i may be a small fry in the company but i'm tired of doing last minute requests for them and after my long break, i've realized that the only way for me to go far in everything i do is to be a nasty geezer (was gonna say bitch, but the term just doesnt suit me muahahaha :). then again, i know my boundaries when to argue and when to keep shut, as long as i'm right..i dont mind fighting for it..

ciao peeps..

trust and jealousy...

trust is a two way street and vitally important for every relationships to work out. without it, all sorts of problems may arise which may result in an ugly ending. but how exactly does trust works? well, for starters, learn to share..as they say, sharing is caring (yeah right...).

one thing that is certain to surface with the lack of trust are the insecurities and most of all jealousy a.k.a the green eyed monster (but not to be confused with envy). with every secrets kept and minimal explanations to the dubious or questionable actions, the green eyed monster is bound to crawl out from the abyss and plant seeds of insecurities poisoning the mind with non-existent facts and wild imaginations contrary to what actually transpired.

come to think of it, it's only natural for a human to have this ugly feeling. if the heavenly beings can be subjected to it which led to their fall from grace, it is definitely acceptable for a human to succumb to the emotion itself.

so how do we overcome it? well, trust is a two way street.. which means it takes two people to make it work. share your thoughts and actions with your loved one, tell them what is exactly in mind and keep any secrets at a minimum and safe level, we don't have to share everything because people or human in general are intrinsically secretive so the least that every couple should do is to add a dash of honesty in whatever they are doing. it is relatively easy to act on it.. when you're really in love with your better half, but it can be somewhat complicated if you doubt your own self.


don't be afraid to say out what you really feel inside or what you really think because when two people are in love, everything they say, do or think matters to each other even the tiniest and seemingly irrelevant ones. Bear in mind that love knows no boundaries and it's blind, everyone would seem perfect in the eyes of their loved ones irregardless of how ugly, fat, short etc etc you are because if they can't accept who you really are, they definitely are not looking at you in your entirety.

then again, look at the bright side...when your better half is jealous, it only shows how much they care for you because if they don't..hmm, it could probably mean they don't love you as much as you think they do :).

crap...my brain is not getting enough oxygen due to the grogginess of being sleepy hehehe, so pardon this entry. i'm not even qualified to talk about stuff like this hahaha..

buenas noches pueblos :)

love sucks..big time...

"At the end of the day,
when it comes down to it,
all we really want is to be close to somebody.
So this thing where we all keep our distance
and pretend not to care about each other,
it's usually a load of bullshit.
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to,
and once we've chosen those people,
we tend to stick close by.
No matter how much we hurt them.
The people that are still with you at the end of the day,
those are the ones worth keeping.
And sure, sometimes close can be too close.
But sometimes, that invasion of personal space,
it can be exactly what you need."

-Meredith of Grey's Anatomy

My junior in college posted this in my friendster's comments and she is darn right about one thing..this does remind me of myself, of who i was before and who i am becoming to be once again. been thinking about this for quite sometime but couldn't come up with the words to explain it.

everybody out there is always looking for that somebody to care, somebody to share their happy and sad moments with. but finding that somebody is never that easy...even when you think that somebody is the one for you, life always has their own weird and perverted ways of twisting things around. you may think you're in love and being loved in return, and you may think that you're the only person which matters to that person only to find out in the end that we are just victims of lies and deceptions.

sometimes being in love can be painful, and the pain is more hurtful than any other physical injuries. and as time goes by, we learn to handle the pain and hurt our own way and the best way of doing it is by ignoring everything and pretend everything else doesn't matter. in time, we distance ourselves from anyone and avoid any kind of relationships because of the fear of getting hurt again.

but being ignorant wouldn't stop what we truly feel inside cos no matter how hard we try to ignore everything, we just can't lie to ourselves. yeah, we may be able to deceive everyone around but never ourselves.

experience has shown me the ugly sides of a relationship, and contemplating about it every minute of the day has made me a wiser person. i now know that if a person can't express what they truly feel for you, than get yourself out of the relationship. there's no point being in a relationship when deep down you know you're not getting the attention and affection you should be getting. and if that person says that they're incapable of showing any form of affection, do not prolong the relationship any longer. be strong and forget about what happened in the past and start looking into the future, dont blame yourself for the failed relationship if you know you've done your best to show how much you really cared for that person cos it takes two to make a relationship work.

anyway, letting go is never easy...but we need to realize that's the best thing to do for everyone's happiness. loving someone requires sacrifices, and if you really do care about that person..just let them go and wish for their happiness and never look back at your own decision..

hmm..this is too early for an emotional entry isn't it :)

so long and goodbye..

ciao peeps...

of Sol and Luna, the real me?..

tonight shall be another full moon, well..not exactly a full moon but 96% full. did you know that more babies are born during full moon, some believe more accidents would happen at this time around and some people associate the full moon to erratic behaviours. yeah...nice.

I remember growing up loving the Sun more than the Moon. i loved feeling being embraced by the life giving heat and ray of the sun, the bright surrounding everywhere i look. it made me felt safe, alive and most of all..i can play around with a clear view of everything. i didn't really love the night time, but i've always been impressed with the night sky, especially during a full moon and i could spend hours just looking at the diamonds in the sky (which is only visible when there were blackouts or if i was in my dad's hometown in Ranau). In a way, i grew up loving the celestials, but i wasn't the only one. my cousin and i would sometimes stay up late at night and talk about personal stuff, religion, philosophy, astronomy, future, possibilites and most of all...the subject of the forbidden art or magic haha. but we'll get into that some other time..

i started loving the silvery full moon after realizing i was a depressed self centred lonely bastard..if the sun was my source of life and courage, than the moon is my source of energy and wisdom..that's how i look into these two aspects of my intrapersonal being. but in time..i seem to drift away further from the sun and started spending most of my time basking in the silver ray.

taking a walk in the middle of the night became a nightly routine, the long lonely walk was a breath of fresh air and everything seems to be still at night. there were less people walking around, less noise and less disturbance..exactly how i loved it :). i didn't care about the dangers, i felt overtly invincible and nothing and no one can harm me. i continued doing it without coming to any harm :). during these long walks did i realize that human sucks..being human sucks, and getting rid of yourself from any emotional bind was just the way to go..and i was right. i led a stress free selfish life from then onwards but not without a price. i couldn't control my anger and i would be pissed off at any little things..

yeah..i was invincible in every possible way, but one thing i failed to see was the consequences if i were to let down the invincibilty shield and be downright human..suffice to say, it sucked big time!! well, that was the past, this time..i've learned from it and solidified the invincibility twice the strength hahaha...

anyways, am not sure why i'm doing this entry...probably this is my way of telling 'i am still human irregardless of my bastardly ways?!!' haha. well, the hell with it...i have my mood swings, come to think of it i may be a manic depressive, who knows hahaha.

in your face peeps :)...gomenasai, just felt like letting off some steam :)

incoherent ramblings...continued...

hiding behind the person who we really are can sometimes suck big time. the pretense of living the life of what other people might admire or living a life of what other people expect of us or what they wanna see can really take a toll on our life..

i know i've posted something like this in my previous entry, but i'm still not through with it :). it's still intriguing to wonder why people can't act, say or do what they want and just be themselves. sometimes, looking at those who dares to be themselves, those who doesnt give a rat's ass about what other people think can be annoyingly envious, and these people in my opinion are the happiest people in our damned population.

but then again, those who couldn't afford to be themselves should be given the hats off as well...it's not easy to be someone else for the sake of others and in some cases, just looking at them trying hard to retain their superficial identity can be quite heartrending.

look around you, look closely at your friends and family, and you're bound to notice that at least one of them are tough in the exterior for God knows why. there might be several reasons to it, probably the tough exterior serves as an armor or padding to the pain they are or will be experiencing..probably they're just afraid to succumb to their own emotions based on past experiences or they are probably born with low self esteem...

but how long can a person put up a facade, what would the impact be if they were to submit themselves to what they're afraid of? i bet if they did finally submit to their own self and things doesn't work out as what they expect to be, the hurt and pain would be magnified by many folds...

being human sucks..big time...

before i leave, i let you people ponder on these questions: what or who are we really afraid of? are we afraid of ourselves or what other people might think? are we willing to let go of what is dear to us for the sake of other people?

goodnight peeps...

midnight rambling...

i was quite sure to be able to fall asleep early tonight, and after bidding my goodnight wish, i lay in bed, closed my eyes and hope the sandman would bring me good dreams to dream about. 5 minutes passed, then 10, then 30 minutes but i still cant seem to doze off. my mind was running wildly with thoughts of irrelevant stuff, must be because i slept 13 hours straight the day before hehehe. but i am damn sleepy, i just cant sleep! even with my eyes closed, i can see vague shapes and figures moving around like what you would see inside a lava lamp.

and then the thought of death appeared in mind, well..it wasnt exactly sudden, been thinking about it for the past whole week for no apparent reason. it wasn't exactly an obsessed thought, but more like the 'what if?' kinda thoughts :). hmmm...i must've telepathically linked my brain waves to someone who has been thinking about this for quite sometime, now i just need to figure out who hehehe, just kidding :).

yeah, i thought of 'what if i died all of a sudden tonight, or what if i had a fatal accident anytime soon? would it affect anyone? would it make any difference if i was suddenly out of the picture? would anyone cry?

i retrospected my own past, and from what i can see and conclude is that...my existence doesn't really matter. i've been too self absorbed all these while that i've ignored everyone else thinking i can survive without anyone's assistance..which in a way i have. even with my selfish disposition, i still have my good sides though..such as, i dont judge people, i take pleasure in observing what other people are doing, i try to help out any friend in need whenever i can (or want to hehehe)....hmm, you know what..apparently i dont have that much of a good side as i thought i would, damn it hahaha.

anyway, that doesn't really matter :), what i wanted to say was, i envisioned my own death. i envisioned that only few people would come to my funeral, not because i have made a difference in their lives but just out of respect for my family. no one would exactly shed a tear cos i havent exactly been a good friend or companion, not to mention a good son and brother hahaha. and then i thought to myself...why do i need to care about all these when i'm already dead?! hahaha.

if i were to die today or anytime soon, i dont think i have much to regret. i've seen and experienced what life has to offer, although there would be a lot of stuff i'll be missing out but it doesnt really matter cos i've seen what i would be missing in the eyes of friends and strangers.

come to think of it, i've never been afraid of dying. i grew up thinking that i would be better off dead than alive hahaha. but if someone did ask me if i was ready to die a couple of months ago, i would definitely say 'no' cos back then, i had a reason to look forward to everyday. but nowadays, life is gradually returning to how it was before and i am gradually moving into the shell where i've spent most of my waking moments in :).

one thing a good friend of mine and i share in common about death is that, we would like our funeral to be a happy occasion, not a sombre one. we would want everyone to laugh about and even make jokes of our death...well, he got his wish alright :).

so, do i really want to depart soon?...hmmm, honestly, i dont know. life does sucks and i dont mind dying, but it is not my place to determine where or how i should die. i may have the means to do so, but not the authority, only the Big Man up there is allowed to do that...besides, i'm not a suicidal idiot who thinks that death is an easy way out of life...

death is actually an interesting topic to talk about..there's nothing gothic or gloomy about it, in fact, the topic itself is as rewarding as life cos for me, to understand what life is truly about means to understand what death is...:)

man...what the hell am i rambling here..this is what you get when coming up with an entry while being groggy with sleepiness. i know i'm gonna regret this tomorrow morning hehehe...

goodnite peeps..

My Name is Rose

Cant help but to share this with you people out there...there will be more of this in the future, so heads up :)

First day of college our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?'

I laughed and enthusiastically res ponded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was cur ious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake..

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me..

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Fru strated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.'

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER GETTING OLD IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a Living by what we get. We make a Life by what we give.