Monday, June 9, 2008

monday ramblings..blues out in the open..

Few days ago, i had a long chat with a good friend of mine. We haven't known each other long and have only met up for a few times. But the first time we met, we somehow connected on an intellectual level and since then, he somehow became the big bro i never had..

i was somewhat drunk and in need of someone to chat with. I couldn't think of anyone available who would be willing to entertain me during my time of need (and intoxicated hehe) so i decided to text him after not being in contact for several months. Initially, i wanted to rant about my own problems..i needed consultation but the moment he called up i realized that i was being self centred by wanting to talk about my stuff when he has a major crisis he has to deal with on his own. well, good thing i realized it instead of being too self absorbed about my problems we talked about his, but then again..his problem isn't exactly a problem but more like a dillemma.

let me make it simple and somewhat vague, one thing that needs to be known is that..they are not in what you may call a normal relationship. they have been a couple and lovers for the past 11 years and a relationship that long shouldn't be looked at lightly. but what's bothering him right now is that, his life long partner is now bedridden and he wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but to stay by his partner's side until the last moment. but due to work commitments and all, he's not able to be here and right now..all he can do is wait for that much dreaded call. frankly speaking, i can somewhat picture how both of them are feeling right now..

and another thing that bugs him the most is the fact that they can't declare their relationship to anyone including their families due to both sides families conservative beliefs and traditions and having to deny their relationship whenever they were asked how are they related hurts very much. this in a sense i can perfectly understand..being denied or denying the fact of the relationship can be very hurtful, but i'm not going into that any further.

so the next day, last Saturday evening, i decided to pay his partner a visit. but i couldn't bring myself to see him..besides, i dont think that person remembers me, we've only met like once or twice before and i didn't do anything worth remembering. i managed to drop by the nurse's desk, and peek at how that person was doing.

well..we did talk about the stuff which has been bothering me..and he did give out good advices. the advices which got stuck in mind was 'if you don't feel appreciated or if that person couldnt even express what needs to be expressed, then you should just get yourself out of the relationship and forget about the person. because when two person are in love, expressing what they truly feel shouldn't be much of a problem no matter how difficult the situation is...'. he has a point and i knew i should've done what he told me to. and after all the talking and advices, he finally said 'you're not gonna take into account what i've just told you, are you?' and i laughed out loud and said 'no..but that all depends..' haha and i knew what i should do then :).

i've been feeling quite mellow or calm for the past few days, been thinking alot about the prospect of being in love and i realized that if being in love entails all these hurt, pain and heartaches, why would anyone even bother of immersing themselves into one? then again, i've made my choice and i've decided to face any obstacles which may arise throughout the course and hopefully in time, everything will get better...

one thing i've learned is, no matter how big or difficult your problem is, there's always someone who has an even bigger stuff to deal with which would make your own problems minute in comparison. so dont fret, just deal with it the best you can..

anyway, didn't get anough sleep last night...i was tossing and turning in my bed and i think i dreamt of seeing what everyone was doing..and honestly, i didnt like what i saw. then again, it's not my place to complain and i have no rights to as well...

geez...this sucks. the attack of monday blues? muahahahaha...ciao peeps :)

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