if i could...would i?

having blessed with free will, freedom and a mind of our own, it's not surprising that we tend to come up with crazy (or probably radical) ideas of how we want to experience or experiment things first hand just to fulfill our curiosities. heck, this was how inventions and innovations came to be.

but sometimes, these curiosities can take a turn for the worse when the thoughts get a little bit on the dark side. because of this, i sometimes scare myself with the things that i conjure up in my head.

this may sound wrong in many levels, but there have been times when i had thought of seeing someone bleed to death from a single open wound such as a cut to the wrist or to any one major veins. gory accidents doesn't count as there would be blood all around, leaving them unsightly messy and probably unconscious.

some other times, i would imagine what it would be like to give the abusers, torturers and killers of humans and animals (out of greed or fun) a taste of their own medicine. would they appreciate what is being done unto them?

after having these scary thoughts, i asked myself if i have the guts to actually inflict pain on others and my sadistic side gladly responded 'yes'...but do i have the heart to commit murder? my conscience was torn at this question but as much i would like to see these people suffer, i could not take another person's life (and hopefully i would never face a situation where i have to) . i can just imagine the burden and guilt of having blood on my hands. correct me if i'm wrong but once you've taken a person's life, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

sadistically funny isn't it? hahaha :D

next post: psychopath vs sociopath...

the world's annoyances...

life doesn't normally turn out exactly the way we want it to be, the best thing that we can do is to work as close to what we have in mind and be settled with it. in other words, we live our lives to the fullest and enjoy every moment that is presented to us.

but enjoying life doesn't give us the privilege to do anything we want, it's a chance for us to realize our dreams and capabilities to a certain extent...an extent which doesn't involve the suffering of other people or animals.

nowadays, we are bombarded by news of war, violence, abuse, psychopathic behaviors, natural disasters, stupidity and lots more and these news grace the front page of every major dailies to the point of overwhelming the positive aspects of human nature. call it a media's way of sensationalizing the angles for maximum profit, but what if the only reason these happenings are reported more was only because we have less of the positive human attributes to tell?

i once told a friend that if i had the power to change the world, i would probably wipe out all humans on earth and make a fresh start just like what happened in the biblical deluge (not trying to be God-like, but just a habit. if things doesn't work, start all over again). but that wouldn't change a thing because knowing us humans, over time we would repeat the same mistakes again...it's all in our primitive nature to fight, kill and be stupid and heartless to the extreme.

us humans are unique, i think we are the only species in the entire universe which has the capability to make a change for the better. we are equipped with emotions, rationality, intelligence, determination and lots more and endowed with superb physical attributes in terms of strength and healing abilities...heck, even the handicapped possesses other special attributes to compensate what they lack. the best part is, we are still evolving and we have yet to uncover our maximum potential as a human being.

but sadly, we are too engrossed with our own superiority that we fail to see that the others are just like us. we use race, religion, skin color and other differences as an excuse to justify our actions. we treat the weak ones as our punching bag to prove that we are better than them just to feed our ego.

it's frustrating to see that we still haven't reach the commonality to understand each other and work together for a better world and to protect those who are weaker than us. my only wish right now is to eliminate the people with a heartless disposition regardless of whether they're portrayed as a loving father, mother, son or daughter.

what prompted this entry? well read this news. may the perps suffer an agonizing death...

seriously, the current world events are truly sucking the optimism and life out of me. i wish i was in a world where nature and modernization goes hand in hand, humans understand the importance of life, the air is fresh, communications is only via telepathy and the night sky is lit up by the splendorous shining of two moons. now that's my dream world.

yeah, the keyword here is dream...

image credit to Scenic Reflections

maybe the end of days is near and everyone's going to hell...just saying. ciao.

the single's pressure

okay, all i can say is that...the pressure is on! :)

mom called up a few days back and it started off with the normal caring mother's conversation, until the topic came up. i don't know how it happened, the next thing i knew,she was asking me 'when are you going to tie the knot?. everyone around you are'.

at that moment, i was lost for words but i did manage to blurt out my rare awkward laughter (it only comes out when i'm caught off guard) haha.

but here's a thought. my mom does have a point, i should start looking for a potential life partner right now...i mean, no one's getting any younger right? :). the only problem is, as much as i want to be in a relationship and have someone to come home to at the end of the day, i just don't feel like being in one. i'm quite happy with where i am now without the insecurities of being in a (probably) complicated commitment haha.

i realize that there's a chance that i might be happy, but i'm not really sure how to cope with sharing my life with someone else when i've been living mine being practically alone (but not lonely haha) all these while.

i mean, being in a relationship for fun and being in one for good are two different things. furthermore, i'm not (or at least i dont think) a romantic guy. i wouldn't know what to do to please someone and besides, i would rather rely on my rationality and logic rather than being guided by something unsubstantial like emotions. in other words, i'm a selfish guy with a lesson learned :p.

but if i were to look for someone, i would rather be with someone:
a) smart
b) witty
c) outgoing (ability to get along with my friends and family is vital)

and i would love to say pretty, but that would just make me shallow minded wouldn't it? what can i say, i do have an eye for beautiful stuff hahaha. so being good looking would be a plus.

so, how'd i came up with the criteria above? simple, all of it are the things that i'm not :). so am i that pressured to the point that i should be out there looking for someone else, nah..not really. i think i can still hold it off for a couple of years before i truly consider of settling down :D.

in the mean time, i need to head to the kitchen and prepare my dinner. hmmm, what should i cook on a saturday night? :)

cheers :p

what's in the name?

people, especially the Chinese have high regards for a good given name. in some cultures, it is believed that the name would shape a person (yeah, i pity those who were born into these shallow minded cultures haha). while others, although the name doesn't make a person, believes that a good name is able to bring recognition and fame..be it good or bad haha.

anyway, much to everyone's experience, we go along our life with other names aside from the one given by our parents or whatever was written on our birth certificate. these secondary names exists as a nick name or due to special features or characteristics or sometimes just for the sake of it.

take me for example, my given name is Jeremy. but over the years i've accumulated enough secondary names that i think i could name my sons with it hahahaha.

Names that i answer to can be categorised into family, friends, colleagues and others;

Family:

a) Jerry

b) Lo

c) Lops
d) Lopak (only in Kitobu :D)
e) Giruk (only in Ranau :D)

* for b-d, only extremely close family members are allowed to call me by those names. so if you're not family and have a death wish, try calling me that. well okay, i won't slit your throat open or cut out your tongue, but you'll be totally ignored :D

Friends:

a) Jerry

b) Jer

c) Jere

d) Jeer

Colleagues:

a) Jem

b) Jere

c) Jeer

d) Jay

e) JK

f) KC

g) JC

h) Kabin

My Ex-Boss (and i take the nicks as terms of endearment haha):

a) Koguts

b) Gringo

Others:

a) Justin

b) Gary

c) John

d) Pok (only from a handful of my Sarawakian friends)

e) Steve

(don't ask me why how'd this happened. they just said i looked like anyone one of the names hahaha)

if i had only finished my sunday school's confirmation class, i would've chosen Jethro as my second name. in all the biblical names, his was the coolest although one of the most insignificant characters hahaha.

the warring of religions...

it's either you have to like it, hate it or just ignore it. that's my thought when it comes to religion. i don't have anything against beliefs in general, but when it causes pain, heartcahe, injury or death i have my doubts on why people need to have a religion in the first place.

religions are meant to guide humans to be better people, and it teaches us to love and respect people for their differences. it pains me and a whole lot of like minded humans out there to read about people getting hurt under the pretense of religious duties.

i'm not condemning any religion in particular, i'm just saying it in a general context. who am i to judge who is wrong and who is right when i don't even know the answer to it. but one thing i do know and very certain is that, NO RELIGION TELLS ANYONE TO KILL, PLUNDER OR CAUSE HARM TO ANOTHER HUMAN. yeah, i am well aware of the religious wars which had happened in midieval times and i am still not in agreement with it either, i mean, to me it's already a blasphemy to any religion TO KILL IN THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY BEING. who are we to take the life of another person? Even if you call it a Holy War, a Crusade or Jihad, taking someone else's life is a sin, regardless of whatever reason!

i mean think about it, the Almighty gave us a brain to weigh the consequences of our action including the best possible way to tackle difficulties. we can't just resort to killing and murdering other people just because we have run out of ideas on handling tough situations.

some people just don't get it. they're too immersed with their belief to the point of being a fanatic that they fail to interpret the meaning behind their beloved scriptures. and it doesn't take a genius to know that there are limitations to where and when to kill a person. you can't just barge into a school, a hospital, an office or especially religious places of worship such as the Church or Mosques or Temples and start shooting rounds! these are places of sanctuary for heaven's sake!

maybe the humans nowadays lacks compassion, apathy and empathy. if only they could feel what it would be like to experience the things they're doing to these people, maybe we wont be having this problem. just don't do to others what you don't want others do to you...

maybe the end of time is nearing...

the downside...

okay, as per my previous posting i am now happily living the independent bachelor life. it's nice to come home where the cushions aren't strewn all over the floor, no glasses or plates left lying on the coffee table, the kitchen still in its neat condition and no irritating or annoying voices to spoil the evening mood. life is good, but just like any other norms all good stuff comes with a downside...and in my case, no one is here to pamper me with services fit for a king hahaha.

back in my old pad, my housemates who were also my colleagues treated me with care simply because of my rank. i dont mind being treated as their superior, but it does feel awkward most of the time.

maybe some of you don't quite get what i mean by that. okay, put it this way...whenever i feel like having something to eat, i just need to blurt out something which could indicate my hunger and the housemates would be quick on their feet to prepare a meal irregardless of what the time is...and most of the time, instead of preparing a simple meal or snacks, i would be presented with something like a big portion of 'nasi goreng pattaya', or fried eggs served with tomato sauce or onion rings served with chicken nuggets.

i'm not complaining, it's nice to be treated like a king (hahaha) without being asked. it's just that, it feels kinda weird to be treated as such by your own housemates who are technically strangers to begin with haha. yeah, but like i was saying, when i made up my mind to stay alone, i knew i would lose the privilege of getting the good services. but at times like these, i wish only they were around so that i could fill up my rumbling tummy! hahaha.

then again, the flat i'm staying in now isn't exactly fully furnished. there are three more items which i need before making it a home sweet home... and they are:

a) a fridge

b) a stove

c) and a washing machine

so even if i had invited my ex-housemates to spend the night with me, i doubt that they'll be able to come up with something to ease my hunger pangs hahaha. and if they were here, i probably would need to drive us to McDonalds which is just approximately 500 meters from my place or one of the nearby coffee shops haha. what can i say...i have me lazy bones hahaha.

hmmm...anyhow, might as well sleep my hunger away. goodnite peeps and ciao :)

a ramble of an update...

sooo...it's been more than a month since starting my term here at putrajaya. despite what everyone says about how dead this place is or how boring this place may be, i think i like it here alot hahaha. frankly, there's nothing much for me to complain about living here.

come tomorrow, saturday 30th october 2010, i will be moving into my own pad (which my big sis is anxious to help me do the touching ups haha) about 15minutes away from my workplace. it's nothing fancy, just a modest place for a single guy to live in. and since i just bought myself a new ride (my white rider! haha), everything seems to be going the way how it should be. i mean, i am excited to finally have my own place after living with a bunch of untidy guys who couldn't even keep the place neat for a minute!!

unfortunately, my mom doesn't really approve of me living alone (owh crap, i'm a momma's boy haha). her only worry is that i would be left vulnerable should anything happen to me. i don't blame her though, she's a mom..my mom after all :). and it doesnt help when i keep things to myself even when i do get sick :).

okay yeah, i do miss my mom, dad and my dog poco back home (as for my sisters...you guys are old enough not to be missed haha), and i do miss hanging out with good friends and having a blast with them. but i'm not regretting the least of choosing to expand my experience elsewhere :p.

i've been asked on several occasions on when am i coming back home, and truthfully, i have no answer to that. one thing about working in the hotel industry is that, our working schedule tend to change at the last minute...but i have every intention of returning home sometime in December, but till then i'll just enjoy my life here until that time comes haha.

owh, before i forget. a few weeks ago i was head hunted by an employment agency to work with a leading oil and gas company to lead the communications department somehwere here in west malaysia. they were looking for:

a) a guy
b) with experience working in the hotel line
c) preferably in the communications field
d) good looking

okay i made up d) hahaha. i never applied for the job and i was flattered to have been offered the position. i dare say that it won't be easy for them to look for a guy with the above criterias (i would know, been in the field long enough to know the market haha). but i had to turn down the offer since (as usual) i just started working in a new place and i love working with the current brand. but who knows, if i do get bored one day, the head hunter has given me his calling card to look for him should i ever 'decide' to try out greener pastures :).

there are a bunch of other things i'd like to write, but the moment i start putting my mind into words...everything that wants to be said suddenly goes blank hahaha. figures, maybe it wasn't as important as i thought it was :).

till then, ciao haha

the denominations of faith...

I'm not a religious person and i don't go to church unless there's a special celebration going on (i.e Christmas or Easter haha). it's not that i don't want to, but i feel unworthy to step into His holy place because of the things i've done. Only until my burden of guilt has been lifted, then maybe i would start going every week. But if i do go to church, it wouldn't be for the sermons. the songs can easily put me at ease rather than listening to the priest preach...so that only goes to show what kind of Christian i am haha. just because i don't go praying every week doesn't mean i don't have any faith, because i do and no one can take Him away from me :).

For some people, i may be seen as a bad Christian for not doing my weekly responsibility..the heck, i don't really care what other people thinks. I have nothing against Christianity, but i do have something against the institutions which makes up the different denominations there are for the contradicting opinions on how the Bible should be interpreted. i mean, it's bad enough that nearly all religions are claiming the ultimate rights to be the one and only true way to God's promised kingdom that we still have to fight amongst ourselves, the Christians, to claim the right to be the one and only chosen denomination.

maybe it's not my place to argue about this, i just feel like sharing my two cents worth (which is quite worthless in a literal sense haha) on this topic. i may not be religious, but i've read the bible cover to cover on numerous occasions and there isn't one single paragraph which mentions anything about denominations...so it's quite sad to know that these differences existed only because of some pompous guys who claimed or thought they were chosen to be His shepherd. my deepest apologies if i have offended anyone, but it would really be appreciated to have an open mind when reading this entry.

i've been listening to gospel songs quite a lot nowadays, maybe it's a sign for me to start being a practicing Christian haha. As i listened to the songs, a realization which has been buried for more than a decade resurfaced; why do we need several denominations (or religions for that matter)? Put aside the difference of opinions, it doesn't change the fact that we believe in the One and Only Creator of all things. so then, why can't all of us work towards the same goal?

Speaking of religion and God, there is one thing (among others haha) which can easily piss me off. i somehow hate it when people blames Him for all the shit they're going through and when they are doing really well, they somehow conveniently forget that He exists...a real shame.

Then again, we are only humans who are constantly on trial...not to mention confused. so if you're not sure on where you stand or what to do, just try not to think too much about it. instead, do the basic thing on what He would've wanted us to do, which is to have faith.

Our God is a jealous God, and yet at the same time very forgiving for His love knows no boundaries.

darn it...i'm rambling again aren't i? hahaha. it's already 1.41am and the grogginess from the lack of sleep is killing me hahaha. Goodnite and ciao peeps :).

groggy in control hahaha

sometimes i think i am a walking contradiction of myself. i say things that i am not only to prove myself stupid that i am haha...but when i say sometimes, it only means it doesn't happen quite as often i thought :P..

for example, i've always believed (or probably convinced myself) that i am a loner, a guy who prefers his solitude more than anything else, an independent guy who doesn't rely much on anyone to live life. well, most of it are true..and the rest are just my confused psyche interpreting the things i couldn't understand :).

okie i've said in my previous entry that i am a loner by choice and an observer of everyone and everything around me. sometimes it's sad to know that my preference irks some people into baseless assumptions haha. once again, i dont really mind..because when i do make friends, i try to project who i really am so the next time if things doesn't work out, i can always tell myself that 'ive' given them hints on what type of person i am' (most of the time that is hehe) and some do understand it, while others are..simply put..plain sensitive hehehe.

i've been analyzing myself lately and realized that, as much as i appreciate my privacy or reclusiveness, there are moments that i do need someone around to pull me back to reality (a reality which i'd much rather not be apart of haha) because the world i envisioned, or practically saying 'my world', is much more tolerable. hey, i'm not saying that my life in real time sucks (hmm, not entirely though hehe), but it's whole lot better because in my world..i am invincible and void of any vulnerabilities (yeah, a Superman except there aren't any kryptonites that can weaken me haha).

as i was saying, there are moments when i do need people around me..but if i was given any choice, i dont think i could ever be lonely even if i wanted to simply because i live in an overpopulated world of humans and as long as there are humans around i could never be alone :).

the same concept applies to the people whom i'd like to avoid from seeing or meeting. it's like, it doesn't matter how hard you've tried to avoid them, but there will come a time (eventually) when we would have to face them whether we like it or not and all the efforts of trying to stay away from are simply washed down the drain.

now the question here is, after indulging yourself with something you really like doing, something which might guarantee from stumbling on the person/s suddenly took a turn when the person/s are suddenly indulging themselves in the same thing? would you run away and move on to another thing or stick to it because you really like doing what you're doing now? well, the solution is especially hard to get when the person/s, knows full well that you're part of the thing but still decides to join in...

probably selfish and ego plays a part, or probably some dark ulterior motives are at work here haha. then again, that's something about humans aka people. they tend to be pretentious in geting what they want. it's quite difficult to fathom another person's mind because they may act and say one thing but the fact is, there's something they're after. heck, then again..what the hell do i care...if this happens to me, i would just opt to ignore or just move somewhere else.

haha, i bet most of you must be wondering where do i get all the pessimism from. hmm, how do i put this...well, i am human after all, and with that comes years of social experience hehe. but mind you, i am much of a pessimist as i am an optimist :).

ps: selfishness and ulterior motives sucks hehe. some people just doesn't know what it takes to make friends..hehe. man...midnight rambling on a Tuesday? yeah, that's what happens when you let the creativity flow and grogginess take control hahahaha.

goodnite peeps, and have a good dream...

the incomplete wall...

imagine a wall, a sturdy wall which has been built along the years...a wall without any cracks and a perfect barrier from any invaders...

then one fine day, the wall fell apart because one insignificant brick wanted to see more of what's on the other side of the wall..it crumbled slowly at first before all of it came crashing down and the only thing that's left is the base which once held everything together. imagine that..a wall which practically took a lifetime to build was destroyed in just a short time.

after much struggle of trying to rebuild what was destroyed, each brick finally came together to form the once proud protective barrier, but something is just isn't right. even with the new and improved form, there's that same brick which keeps falling down as if saying 'there might still be hope cos once i do decide to be in place, all will be lost for good'...

so there lay the brick on the ground, losing hope as days go by. it's just a matter of time until the brick settles in its place and the wall is finally complete.. and nothing else can get through ever again, creating a world of total bliss in pure ignorance and a perfect barrier from the harsh reality of the other side of the wall...

for the time being, the incomplete wall would have to wait patiently and look down with mixed emotions at the solitary brick until it finally decides to return and fill up the gaping hole...

until then...there's still hope...

ps: wat can i say...i just think too much hahaha

ciao peeps..and goodnight...

tipsy rambling

just got back from my solitary session..and i've finally found the place where i can be alone, a place where nobody would come up to me and be friendly hahaha.

nearly made another mistake today, decided to be friends with my ex but decided otherwise cos..come on peeps, how do you expect to be 'just friends' with someone you ever cared about, someone who doesn't give a shit bout' what you feel? good thing rationality kicked in just in time or else i would be torturing myself over the same mistake again hahaha.

anyhow, been fighting the onsets of getting the fever for the past couple of days...it wasn't easy, but good thing there were alcohols around hehehe. right now my right foot and left knee hurts, and my phlegm has traces of blood in it hehe. but i dont really mind, cos i know i would get this way with the sudden change of weather hahaha.

honestly, i hate being on the downside...i hate feeling miserable with my own life and i hate feeling weak. then again, these are just some of the things i should be experiencing after having been protected by the defensive wall built throughout the years.

ps: like i said, a bit tipsy hehehe. i've finally found a new port for my solo drinking session :). life's good :P....

good nite peeps...

entertainment...

Will be having the two 'gidiots' who thinks 'gero' starts with 'g' over at the hotel for dinner... if you guys dare to back off at the last minute, am really gonna make your life miserable okie muahahaha.

on a lighter note...

Dear Yolanda and Melissa,

I am looking forward to meeting you gals tonight for a night of stupid sarcasm (and remarks) and cold idiotic laughters. As you know, i am one fragile human being who couldn't afford any rejections, especially last minute change of plans...not to mention a stressed out hardworking lad who would do anything beyond the norm if the supposed plan for tonight were to suddenly change (if you know what i mean).

So for our sakes (i'm just not ready to be in jail for what i might do), do honor our threesome date (well, foursome if we count the photographer, which i assume you have forced him into submission to be your designated driver).

Yours sincerely,

The gidiot who knows Gero is not spelled with a 'G', but most probably with a 'Y' :).

ps: cynically laughing at self for own craftiness...hehehehe (do it with a little bit of cheekiness when reading the laughter sound)

drunken rambling hehehe

did an experiment today...just wanted to prove my theory that getting over someone is alot easier when you have someone with you...theory proven...and i had fun. getting over is a synch now...:).

ps: dead drunk, had a good time (extremely good). i'm still certain that sex without any feelings sucks...then again quite fun. no strings attached. i'm single and have no obligations hehehe. everything's good :).

man, i am smart...once i'm challenged to do something, once i've proven my theory....everything are just idiotic hehehe.

goodnite....

hehe...

buenos dia pueblos :). otro nuevo dia por nuevo experiencias, excepto...el tino algo es perdida, un vano triste...de cualqier modo, no por problema. apenas quiero con boquear yo echar ese persona :).

just needed to get that off my chest :P...

ps: pardon the grammatical errors okie...still in the learning process :P..

morning peeps...

updated (12.21pm):
cual estoy diciendo?!! tienes caido pues algune otra..geez.., muy inocentada de me..lo siento..

aaahhh.....:P

man...hungover (whats new? hehe) and in no mood to work. darn it... even came in late for work today, good thing the boss isn't around for this whole week hehe..

getting drunk wasn't part of the plan when i decided to have a nite out last night..and after having 4 sets of tiger at hunters, my friend and i decided to join my cousin at Raz until the wee hours. dang...should have just went straight home that night, better yet..i shouldn't even think about having drinks on weekday!

felt a bit down and needed something to drown it off, but i should've known by now that drinking isn't the way to deal with life's intricacies. so does that make me an alcoholic? hehehe. maybe i should enrol myself in a rehab clinic :p...

anyhow...this shall be my last entry for the today..will update this blog tomorrow. ciao peeps...

what's up? :)

i need more sleep!!! that's all i wanted to say hehe. woke up quite early today (quite? that's an understatement for someone whose hobby is sleeping!!!), say at 4.45am. needed to be at the hotel by 6.00am since there's a photoshoot going on at the club. the shoot ended pretty quick though, by 8am we're already done, which is good actually..if only my office hours starts at 8.00am!!! dang...

yeah ok..so, i had about an hour to burn, but instead of going back to the office and start working 60 minutes earlier than usual, i decided to do something else..drove to Tuaran town and got my headlight and brake light fixed, yeah and fueled up. okay replacing the bulbs cost me about RM5..which is quite unexpected..but when i fueled up, i realized that a full tank for Kancil is about RM60 (and gauge meter didn't even point to the max), wtf!! it used to be around RM40 for a full tank, the RM20 makes a lot of difference. then again, was quite glad i didn't get myself a new ride cos i've been thinking about it since early this year :).

normally, i wouldn't mind having my meals alone..but today, i felt like having a company so i called up Sabas and we had breakfast at one of the Chinese shop around. then again, another reason i looked him up was because i needed to pay him the registration fee of a direct marketing thingy i enrolled as his downline hahaha. will blog more on that someday when i have fully grasped their business mechanism hehehe.

okay...a friend asked me last night what's new with me. been quite sometime since anyone asked me that question and in a way...i was flattered, my reply was 'biasa2 jak..'. can you see the egoistical answer i gave out without giving it much thought hahaha. yeah, i was proud...what i wanted to say was 'well, life sucks..but i'm coping'. but if i were to tell him that, he would start grilling me with the details (or probably annoy me with his nonchalant attitude) and i'd rather keep things to myself than get sympathised or ignored hahaha.

so what's up with me? well...'besa2 jak lah' hahaha. but i'll be moving back with my cousin in Sepanggar (confirmed) by next week, and i won't be going out as much as i have been (not that it matters anymore :p) especially on weekdays (too far from town and the fuel hike is taking its toll hehe). no more internet-ing at nights and will be spending most of my time after work probably with badminton and the playstation (yeah..and books as well :P) haha.

life is good though...it only gets worse when you expect more from it :). deal with it realistically, let it progress naturally and everything will definitely fall into place :). another lesson learned...

ps: just got my renewed road tax after it expired in March hahaha. it was delayed cos i wanted to synchronise it with the car insurance hehehe :p...fyi, am getting a bit tired going out in big groups, right now am looking forward to hanging out with only 2 or 3 pax per group..big group gives me the headache, too much effort in trying to understand what's going on in their heads :).

good morning peeps :) hehe...

flirts and boundaries...rebounds and mistakes...

one thing sucks about breaking up is seeing your ex with another person or flirting with one. well, it only hurts when your feelings are still as strong as before...

okay, now let's talk about flirting. everybody flirts, even when you're currently attached with someone and basically, flirting is quite harmless...as long as it is within boundaries. personally, there are only two reasons as to why people flirt...to be at ease with that person without any ulterior motives or to gain something in return, either a relationship or just plain sex with no strings attached.

for the lonely bastards (including myself), flirting is a process of getting into a relationship..the first step of getting to know the person we're interested with. but for most of those people out there who already has someone with them, flirting is all about getting their rocks off! damn f***ers :).

there are ways to detect if your current partner is flirting with someone else, and it varies according to how well you know them. sometimes it could be the look in their eyes, their gestures, speech and mostly...their actions. there's no point to further elaborate on this, anyone can sense it themselves and the hunches are always on the dot.

but does flirting constitute to cheating? not exactly..as long as no physical contacts (sex or tongue wriggling hehe) are involved, the cheating element does not exist. so okay, is it still advisable to flirt around when these contacts doesn't apply? my opinion, no. personally i think when someone even considers of flirting around, the chances of cheating or being cheated is there, and that's one thing i dont understand..how can a person even think of flirting around or scouting for a ONS (one night stands) when they're currently attached.

when i was in my recent relationship (which totally failed), i couldn't think of anyone else to be (or do it) with but that one person only, never once did i cross the boundary..hey, come to think of it, i didn't even flirt with anyone at all... see, i am strange, i dont think i can get it up with anyone random hahahaha. was going to talk about open relationships, but it is obvious what my stand would be right? :). my motto was, don't do what you dont want your partner to do, in that way..you have every reason to be mad when he/she does what you didn't do :).

we get to be very vulnerable after every break up, and some people would even try to take advantage of your situation. but they can't be blamed, to them..this may be the only time they can show their sincerity to form a relationship with you, which is always touching. and sometimes, we fell for it probably because of being blinded by the need to love and be loved in return. but as your heart heals, you realised a mistake has been made...yeah, you may have feelings towards your current spouse, but you also know that there's someone out there whom you're totally in love with, but there's nothing you can do..well there is, you just don't know how to go about it..you're just so indebted with what the person has done you would rather settle for what is (right now) than what could've been, and you bet on your chance thinking that what you feel for that one special person will pass like your other flings..but what if it doesn't. would you regret not acting on what should've been? (like i'm the one to talk hahaha) :).

anyhow, had my own share of experience in this (strangely enough, i got calls, text messages and approaches as if knowing i just broke up haha) ...i never felt so hurt before and all i needed was to have someone to be with me irregardless of who they are or what they look like (yeah, i was dead desperate hehehe). i knew where my desperation was leading to, and if it wasn't for that advice from my so called big bro, i would be in a rebound-relationship by now. good thing i wasn't, cos i know i would totally regret it :).

dont worry peeps, am not pissed off or melancholic, just needed to get some stuff off my chest...one piece of advice though..always trust your instincts when something doesn't smell right :).

ps: man..i dont like what i'm seeing, you're doing it again hahahaha. oohh, my right knee is bruised..have no idea how it happened. damn it :)...stop it boy, you're rambling again..dont be a gidiot for everybody's sake (err..ok kah tu Yo/Mel, gitu kah mau eja gidiot tu? hehehe)

ciao peeps :P...

Dream Blab...24.07

For the past three days, i've been having strange dreams which has left me feeling a bit lethargic waking up every morning. the dream's not exactly unusual as i used to have this kinda dream all the time but it somehow stopped for nearly a year...until now.

what's strange is that, i never had a similar dream 3 days in a row (okay..used to have a continuous same dream but only for two days max). what i meant by similar is, same concept but different settings. i dreamt i was flying and the feeling it left me was good enough to be real, the best part is...i knew i was dreaming while doing it (lucid dreaming?). couldn't remember well the first two dreams but i clearly remember my dream last night.

i had the ability of flight, not in a corporeal sense..ethereal probably. i was alone, yet i was happy. i was flying around going through trees, buildings, bodies and other material objects without any worries and i can see the people around me without them seeing me. but the people didn't interest me, i was more interested in flying around and seeing everything pass by me in super speed...yeah, i was in my world.

all was good, i decided to fly higher up in the clouds when suddenly a hooded man of 7 or 8 feet tall appeared right after passing through the second layer of night cloud. i wasn't surprised, but i felt a bit weird seeing him as he looked like he was vertically stretched :p. the moment he appeared, the plane..the surrounding suddenly changed. i was no more surrounded by people, instead i was in a cloud covered crimson evening colored surrounding with only few trees and a building which looked like an abandoned institution. i figured i must be in another dream...

this man...aside from his unusual unproportionate height, i couldn't recall seeing him with a face. but i know he has a face, only that when i try to think of it...his face becomes a blur, like faces morphing continuously at high speed. anyhow, it doesnt matter. what matters is, i was taught a new technique of flying which is, a clear view of everything around while flying at high speed...and yeah, i was taught how to maximise my speed as well :).

i played around with my new found lesson, we even played tag (man, this guy was super fast even when he's not trying!!) when out of the blue, another person appeared out of nowhere. he seemed local enough (no pun intended), dark skinned, a bit short and looked really dumb haha. we stopped and the man went to the new guy. i was told that the new guy couldn't fly, and after seeing him fail everytime trying to get off the ground, i flew higher and smiled to myself while looking down at him (yeah..maybe i am evil hehe).

i suddenly thought of flying higher, i wanna see what's beyond the cloud and i can see the worried look on the man's face. he wanted me stop but i didnt see the harm of it, i wasn't Icarus and there wasnt any Sun around..even if there were, i wasnt wearing any wings made of wax and feather, so i continued higher when i saw the man hovered directly above me and told me not to proceed any further, but by then..i suddenly felt tired, and got back on the ground for a short break. and the moment i touched the ground...my alarm clock rang!! damn it, wtf??!! i woke up feeling quite lethargic, it felt like i've only slept for less than the actual 6 hours (felt like i didn't sleep at all...) i had a good dream..and frankly i didnt wanna wake up. darn....

ps: trying to recall something the man said to me....

anger...

sometimes when confusion kicks in and you dont really know what to do, what's left is the anger..the unquenchable anger of not knowing what the hell is going on and how to deal with it. and this anger, the fire within, is the only thing which gives us that inner strength to cope with everything around us...

and at times, the anger changes its form to hatred..although only temporarily, but whois to say it wont be permanent? probably not now, not tomorrow...someday.

ps: geez...damn pissed off right now, wish i can turn back time and undo everything...

mood: duhh, am pissed off so bug off idiots....man..feels like my brain is on fire...


hey...waddya know, it's my 100th entry...a good time to be pissed off at...f*** it, i dont give damn anymore...

ps: hmmm...probably i am suffering from mild depression hehe (waddya know, a sarcastic smile there...damn it..)

goodnite...and ciao peeps...

babble and ramble...

okay..here i am in the office on a sunday. was extremely bored at home so instead of lazying around doing nothing, i decided to come in and do some menial outstanding tasks and paperworks since i'll be off tomorrow hehe..

well..finished doing my paperworks in just a short time and i decided to do some filing and clearing up and realized that i havent been diligently doing my filing for the past 2 years. no wonder my place was a mess before hehe. anyhow, things are a bit organized now and i'm pretty sure i'll be able to do my work better (fingers crossed :P)..

so, you might be wondering why i took my day off tomorrow..well, no special reason. i was told to plan my leave (i hate planning my leaves, it's not like i have much to do when i'm on leave...) and coincidently our rowing team will be going to Sandakan for a competition and they invited me to tag along (what can i say, i boost their mood with my sarcastic remarks and my angelic yet devilishly sly smile hahaha).

so okay, i applied for leave as we were supposed to leave on friday and be back on monday but after giving it a long hard thought, i decided to not join the team cos come on..what am i supposed to do when they're out there competing! cheer them with pom-poms? hahaha. i cancelled the trip and now i'm left with my remaining leave :).

was thinking of going for another round of movie marathon but there aren't any good movies playing which i havent seen yet..i could play with my dog but just the thought of playing chase with him tires me hehe so here i am, stuck in the office contradicting the fact that i'm one hardworking bloke when the fact is i was just damn bored and lazy to be hanging out at home hehe.

man...am hungry, gonna log out soon and head out to KFC, been craving for it for quite sometime (nah, not really..been dining there several times last week hehe). so ciao..

hope you guys had a good weekend..