Friday, May 16, 2008

midnight rambling...

i was quite sure to be able to fall asleep early tonight, and after bidding my goodnight wish, i lay in bed, closed my eyes and hope the sandman would bring me good dreams to dream about. 5 minutes passed, then 10, then 30 minutes but i still cant seem to doze off. my mind was running wildly with thoughts of irrelevant stuff, must be because i slept 13 hours straight the day before hehehe. but i am damn sleepy, i just cant sleep! even with my eyes closed, i can see vague shapes and figures moving around like what you would see inside a lava lamp.

and then the thought of death appeared in mind, wasnt exactly sudden, been thinking about it for the past whole week for no apparent reason. it wasn't exactly an obsessed thought, but more like the 'what if?' kinda thoughts :). hmmm...i must've telepathically linked my brain waves to someone who has been thinking about this for quite sometime, now i just need to figure out who hehehe, just kidding :).

yeah, i thought of 'what if i died all of a sudden tonight, or what if i had a fatal accident anytime soon? would it affect anyone? would it make any difference if i was suddenly out of the picture? would anyone cry?

i retrospected my own past, and from what i can see and conclude is existence doesn't really matter. i've been too self absorbed all these while that i've ignored everyone else thinking i can survive without anyone's assistance..which in a way i have. even with my selfish disposition, i still have my good sides though..such as, i dont judge people, i take pleasure in observing what other people are doing, i try to help out any friend in need whenever i can (or want to hehehe)....hmm, you know what..apparently i dont have that much of a good side as i thought i would, damn it hahaha.

anyway, that doesn't really matter :), what i wanted to say was, i envisioned my own death. i envisioned that only few people would come to my funeral, not because i have made a difference in their lives but just out of respect for my family. no one would exactly shed a tear cos i havent exactly been a good friend or companion, not to mention a good son and brother hahaha. and then i thought to myself...why do i need to care about all these when i'm already dead?! hahaha.

if i were to die today or anytime soon, i dont think i have much to regret. i've seen and experienced what life has to offer, although there would be a lot of stuff i'll be missing out but it doesnt really matter cos i've seen what i would be missing in the eyes of friends and strangers.

come to think of it, i've never been afraid of dying. i grew up thinking that i would be better off dead than alive hahaha. but if someone did ask me if i was ready to die a couple of months ago, i would definitely say 'no' cos back then, i had a reason to look forward to everyday. but nowadays, life is gradually returning to how it was before and i am gradually moving into the shell where i've spent most of my waking moments in :).

one thing a good friend of mine and i share in common about death is that, we would like our funeral to be a happy occasion, not a sombre one. we would want everyone to laugh about and even make jokes of our death...well, he got his wish alright :).

so, do i really want to depart soon?...hmmm, honestly, i dont know. life does sucks and i dont mind dying, but it is not my place to determine where or how i should die. i may have the means to do so, but not the authority, only the Big Man up there is allowed to do that...besides, i'm not a suicidal idiot who thinks that death is an easy way out of life...

death is actually an interesting topic to talk about..there's nothing gothic or gloomy about it, in fact, the topic itself is as rewarding as life cos for me, to understand what life is truly about means to understand what death is...:)

man...what the hell am i rambling here..this is what you get when coming up with an entry while being groggy with sleepiness. i know i'm gonna regret this tomorrow morning hehehe...

goodnite peeps..

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