Tuesday, April 22, 2008


after weeks of ruminating in life's complexities, i am beginning to see the person i really am and the person i can be or am meant to be. i may well have digressed from whom i thought i was before but the deviation is not too far off though.

Life is complex, and sometimes it shrouds our judgments and decision. the nature of these complexities are visible in our surroundings but its domain resides within us. life is complex because of what we did or are doing, life is complex because we just don't know how to deal with what it presents to us but more importantly, life is complex because we have yet to grasp the meaning of life itself.

but a wise person once said (which i dont quite remember who, and this isn't his exact quote..just the gist of it) 'that to get to know life, you have to know yourself'. what he said has some truth to it. the way we relate to one another is based on who we really are, our own life's experiences, our own desires. an indicator of the person we are lays in what kind of group dynamics we belong to, cos face it...the only reason we do stick with the group or with our friends is because we can relate with them or to be close to something they have that we dont. for example, a person may want to hang out with a doctor cos he's a doctor himself (the rule of relativity and proximity) or a person wants to be with a doctor because thats the closest thing he/she of becoming a doctor :)...get my drift? hehehe.

i myself was a victim to the these complexities, and for sometime...i felt lost, confused and got totally out of touch with myself. in my previous entry i proclaimed i was a loner, in a way i am. but i wasnt a loner to the extent of ignoring everyone else around me (well, maybe i was...hehe), i'm just a guy who prefers his privacy :). but past events has amplified and distorted my own definition of loneliness to the point of thinking that people are nothing more than scumbags (which, some of them are :))

but given enough time, everything then became clear. before any of these confusions arose, i lived my life to the best of my capabilities. although being alone has always been a preference, i knew how to appreciate the people and things around me,..appreciate my own life. i was glad to have those people whom i have been calling friends, i was quite happy (am not really sure whether i do understand the meaning of being happy with friends though :)) with how things are.

then confusion entered without notice, and everything was in chaos causing turbulence from within. i lost sight of the person i am, the person whom everyone was comfortable with. i ignored everyone and everything and stayed in my dark corner of loneliness where no one can touch. i needed to retreat to a place where being weak can be molded into becoming something invincible.

the moment i stepped into the light, i thought everything was fine...instead, it got worse. i became more self absorbed and less tactful of the people around me. the invincibility conditioning was a bit too high and i let it persist for quite a long time, i kinda liked what i had become...an emotionless bastard, oblivious to the fact that i am not alone and can never be alone no matter how much i tried :).

maybe the full moon the past couple of days has affected my brain waves because i began to ponder on the question of individuality..the question of 'who'. i looked back to what i have been doing and to the people i have known, i realized that what i have been doing these couple of months isn't what i would be doing in my rationale state.

i used to be a person whom people would come up to with their problems, someone who would listen without judging, someone whose opinion and judgment matters...that someone whom everyone is comfortable being with as a friend, the tactfully sarcastic wise guy who is always in control :). i wasn't exactly emotionless back then, it's just that i was wise enough to not let my feelings interfere with my perceptions of what is and isn't, just a focus to the black and white but not the grey area :).

i wouldn't have come to this conclusion if it hadnt been for the people who saw me through my episodes of denial, those who showed me that i was needed even if it wasnt said..the wise people who gave me subliminal advices knowing full well of my own stubbornness if they were to give me the advices on face value haha.

i've learned that everything happens for a reason, every mistake made is just another yardstick to self improvement, just ignore the past and look to the future and be very wary of the past if you do want them to be in your future. it's either start off on a new slate or proceed from where you left off, simple as that .

you know what...i am now content with who and where i am now. i am beginning to accept the unfortunate turn of events and i am beginning to enjoy life the way i used to :). So hello world!! the sarcastic bastard is back again and this time it's for real! :).

ciao peeps!! :)

No comments: