reflection of the past..

'Every decision you make - every decision - is not a decision about what to do. It's a decision about Who You Are. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do' - Neale Donald Walsch

was dead bored last night so i decided to browse through all my pictures in my photo albums. started with the baby albums and moved up to the current ones and i was hit with the realization...something had gone wrong somewhere along the line of growing up.

i was a picture of a happy child, nearly all of my baby photos shows a boy with a glowing smile. but i couldnt remember any of those events now, everything seems a blur. if i were to recall my younger years now, i can only come up with from 10-15years ago..before that, i can say i've forgotten.

the smiles continued in all my pictures, throughout my adolescent years..until now. but none of those pictures reflect what i really felt then. i smiled and laughed just for the sake of it, but come to think of it..i dont really understand the reasons why. the pictures i had clearly shows i had quite a number of friends and acquaintances, we seem happy..i seem happy, but was i? i dont quite remember..

when i came to the pictures of my exes and see how comfortable we were, i asked myself..we were happy, but was there any love involved or affections? none of the above, well..the feeling was mutual anyway. the relationships were based on the need to be with someone, the physical proximity and we understood that. when we parted, none of us got hurt.

honestly, i still couldnt grasp the meaning of friendship. forming the bond is easy, but maintaining it seems to be the hard part. i keep asking myself, who am i to them? would it make any difference if i wasnt around? so i came to my own conclusion, friends are nothing more than a pebble you pick up on the streets. we collect them during the course of our journey, and when we do get tired of it or have reached our destination, the pebbles will be thrown away because they have cease to serve their purpose. guess what, we're the pebbles. sad isnt it...

i still couldnt figure out what went wrong. back when i was a kid, i imagined myself doing great things when i grow up. i imagined myself being a happy succesful bugger living all alone with a cat and a dog (note that i didnt consider anyone to be in my pathetic life :)), but everything's a total opposite now (but i do have a dog though :)).

you know what, maybe i should stop living in my own world and be out there mingling with other people. it's high time i get to know the people around me for who they really are. yeah, maybe...

ps: i know i look fat, this was taken a few months back! hehe

ciao :)~