tempoRary insaNity...

everyone goes through that phase where things seem to be meaningless and whatever you're doing or have been doing all these while doesn't amount to be anything much. and when you start questioning your own existence, that's where things can turn for the worse...it's like pouring gasoline to a raging fire.

in situations like this, it helps to have like minded friends who are open as a book or a little bit crazy in doing things that you're into...say for example, a midnight dip by the beach after a drink under the drizzling rain with flashes of lightning and roaring thunder...yes, there's a danger in doing that, but life is full of risks and and it has been proven over and over again that despite the safety precautions that we take, we are never free from the dangers lurking around the corner. so if it's our time, there's nothing much we can do to change that.

after hanging out with my pal last night, it dawned on me how much i missed this type of company. open, unreserved and no or very little pretenses. i like the fact that these people who choose to hang out with me are not doing their best to change the situation but in fact go with the flow and see where the situation leads us and i love it when i can just say out my mind without having to worry about what other people might think. i like and miss the openness these people have.

coming back to the topic, everyone has that insanity streak within them and most are very good at covering it up. but why cover the insanity if it defines the person you really are? it's like telling van gogh to paint as to what his eyes see but not at what his heart feel. if your sanity makes you a better person, it's best to not hide it.

it took me quite awhile to get to terms with my own streaks. i thought that moving to a new environment i could at least be a different person, blend in with the crowd and be just like everyone else who are, to say the least, normal in everyday sense.

but my recent crisis communications workshop proved me otherwise when i failed in my situational interview. instead of just being who i am, i decided to try and act like i was one of those people in the room who were fluent with their responses. bad move, i was more afraid of being wrong by imitating others rather than being right for being me. besides, i was never an actor in the first place.

so who am i really? the answer is: i am an observer of actions and situations, i am best when i'm alone and better when surrounded by few trusted friends, i am an angry person who contradicts himself by smiling and laughing as a way to suppress the rage, i am strange in more ways than one, and a lost and confused lad in this new world of modern age. in other words, i am just like everyone out there who are still trying to find themselves...a unique individual and a normal human among the weird ones :Dyeah, i may be crazy...but i'm not stupid. stay tuned, things might get a little bit darker from here onwards hahaha.

ciao peeps :p

when the stout speaks hehe

it was just couple of days ago when the stress finally caught up to me. i couldn't think of anything else but to relax and have everything out of my mind. so i figured 'hey, what the heck, maybe all i need are a few glasses of beer and everything would be fine' and off i went to a restaurant nearby my workplace for the beer therapy :p.

after few months of sporadic drinking opportunities, i realized it didn't take much for me to get tipsy...3 cans, was all that was needed to get my world spinning hahaha.

during the alone time, i reflected to the places i've been to and people i've met (or saw) and it seems that everyone has their own ways of appreciating and enjoying life. i remember going to a pub few weeks prior and there was this girl who was dancing as if trying to get everyone's attention to herself. normally i would think that she may be..you know..a slut, but on that particular time, i didn't see it that way. all i saw was a girl dancing her heart out oblivious to other people's opinions, she was just having fun as the way she knows it.

then it hit me, i've been to engrossed with seeing how things appear to be rather than what things are really like..and at that same moment, i was hit by a guilt of not really appreciating the things which chances by me and for not enjoying what life really means! i live in my own world, my comfort zone when i could be out there making a difference. i'm afraid of making mistakes (especially the same ones) that i resolved to be in my safe place where i am invincible from anything :). but my world isn't complete and never will be because, it evolves based on my own evolution, it expands based on the experiences i've gathered and right now, its on a halt. i haven't been feeding it with the necessary information for it to continue spinning, i need to be out there and gain as much experience as i can for it to continue evolving :).

after thinking about this and some other random stuff, it occurred to me...I WAS SUPPOSED TO RELAX MY MIND FROM HAVING ANY THOUGHTS, i mean, THE ONLY REASON I WAS DRINKING WAS BECAUSE I NEEDED TO GIVE MY MIND A BREAK!!! hahaha. then again, i am at my best alone..most of the time, my ponderings provides me with the best lessons in life....better than going through the actual experiences hehehe. ciao peeps :)

ps: this is bliss..am on my off day and having my second can of guinness stout alone in my room :)