'life is to be experienced, not understood' - author
for the past couple of months, I've been extremely angry with myself for the stupidity which led to my own personal problems. and this anger seemed to have expanded to the people around me leaving some of them wondering if they had done anything wrong towards me. honestly speaking, i do feel guilty about my own actions..but i just couldn't give a damn, i have no time to think about others when my own being needs tending to.
like any other situations, there's always a catalyst which triggers these human emotions. all the happiness, sadness, sorrow, anger, love, etc are all caused by some external motivations and it's only human for us to experience either one or some of it at once. but does experiencing all these really makes us human? does ignoring any one of it makes us any less human? spend some time to ponder on the questions.
as i was saying, i was extremely pissed off at everything around me, even the little things seem to be of major annoyance. the one thing which has ever made me felt alive, my source of joy and happiness became my source of anger.
i used to be angry at a lot of stuff before, for no apparent reasons and the anger would subside soon as it appeared. but this time my anger persisted for a period of time, probably because, this time i had a reason...
during my course of anger, i decided to delete my other blogs. i know it was unnecessary, but i felt like i needed to be away from everyone (which is quite impossible cos we live in a world surrounded by people/humans/or whatever you may call them), so i thought by deleting my blogs...i would, metaphorically speaking, be cutting myself off from the world. after a while, i decided to cogitate on this matter and a realization hit me...the anger is gradually turning into hatred. thats when i decided to let the loneliness in once again cos thats the only world i know free from any form of hatred (yeah i know..i'm strange :p) or any other emotions, the neutral zone.
our existence goes through a series of changes by levels or stages, so does our experiences and emotions. take my anger for example, the initial pain that i felt somehow turned into anger, and from anger it was evolving to hatred. that's just how life is, it's all about levels and stages. well, if you cant relate to that, maybe this will do...joy to happiness to ecstasy/bliss :). skipping either one level would only mean temporary impression but going through all of it..hmm, my guess is that it will be permanently etched in mind and soul :).
well, am doing a lot better nowadays. being ignorant isn't such a bad thing, it's just the defense mechanism acting up as a form of protection from committing or undergoing the same mistake again.
hasta luego pueblo :)